The Grammy Awards: music’s most televised night! (Apologies to my numerous readers who have won a Grammy.) When intrepid Cream leader D. Patrick Rodgers asked me to recap the Grammys, I said yes because I assumed I had done something wrong and this was my punishment. The Grammys are always an interesting case because the production involves a million different performances, few of which are ever good or interesting, plus a lot of talking musicians. Very famous musicians, for whatever reason, are the least likely of all creatives to experience what human beings call “shame.” It ran a little long. I’m going to be as concise as possible.
“Someone who grew up on the Grammys” is how Beyoncé is introduced. I won’t make fun of her dripping wet Flashdance sequence to “Drunk in Love,” because Beyoncé is wonderful and I adore her. Jay-Z comes out to do his raps. (Music Fact: Beyoncé and Jay-Z are married.)
LL Cool J is the host. He reminds the audience of the 1980s and 1990s, when he was a rap star. (“My hat is like a shark’s fin.” -LL Cool J.) Daft Punk is French, we learn from LL. Kendrick Lamar is from Compton. Keith Urban is from Australia. The Beatles are from Liverpool. (Music Fact: People are from places.) “Do what musicians always do. Make some beautiful nooooise!” screams LL.
Anna Kendrick, the first of several actresses attempting to raise their profile, and Pharrell Williams, wearing a Jamiroquai-style mountie hat, present the award for Best New Artist.
Best New Artist: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
“Wow, we’re here on this stage right now,” says Macklemore. Ryan Lewis, setting a trend that will follow him throughout the course of the night, is not allowed to speak.
Lorde sings her song “Royals.” It is a popular song. I hear this song on 101.1 The Beat fairly regularly. Sometimes they mix it with other songs that include the phrase “Maybach Music,” which is funny. When Lorde sings the part “I’ll rule / I’ll rule / I’ll rule” in the chorus, I like to pretend she’s saying “Ja Rule” instead.
“I want you all to listen to every word of this next song,” LL Cool J commands. Especially the kids. It is a piano song by Hunter Hayes, a 9-year-old boy. Is this song about telling teens not to kill themselves because of bullies? There are inspirational quotes behind this song, including a quote from noted woman-beater John Lennon. Yoko Ono is in the audience. (Music Fact: John Lennon hit her.)
Hunter Hayes is not a good singer.
Some Guy and Anna Faris come out to present. I missed out on who that guy was because I had to cancel recording the Grammys to make sure Bob’s Burgers got recorded.
Best Pop Duo or Group Performance: Daft Punk, Pharrell, Nile Rodgers, "Get Lucky"
Everyone is doing their thing, be it the robot thing or the park ranger thing or the Nile Rodgers things. “Dude,” says Pharrell.
“Get Lucky” is a good song.
Steve Coogan (It’s NEVER gonna happen in America buddy, give it up) introduces Juicy J and Katy Perry. (Music Fact: I don’t know who Juicy J is.)
They watched Once Upon a Time and have some kind of dark forest thing going on. There’s a demon horse. I thought Juicy J would be a woman, but Juicy J is a man. Broomstick stripper pole. Flames. The End.
There was a Cover Girl commercial with Katy Perry on during the break. (Fashion Fact: Cover Girl is drugstore makeup.)
Now there is a performance from Chicago and Robin Thicke, answering the question, “What is the one thing no one has ever asked for?” “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” (Music Fact: It’s 25 or 6 to 4) (Zing) is the first song they sing, and Robin Thicke could not be any more unnecessary. “Beginnings.” “Saturday in the Park.”
CAN YOU DIG IT?
“Blurred Lines.”
Keith Urban and Gary Clark Jr. perform a song. It’s a ... country music song? Gary Clark Jr. is a music performer and guitarist, from what I gather. Keith Urban has dedicated his life to nurturing that Johnny Rzeznik haircut circa 1998.
That chick from that show your grandpa watches has been assigned to some kind of Tweet mirror and walked in on Taylor Swift being groomed by a rando before sending out a Tweet picture and then the chick from the show jumped in on the picture and it was awkward for everyone all around.
There’s a Tegan and Sara Oreo commercial, and so far it’s the best part of the night.
John Legend does a slow piano song. He is full of feelings that I do not feel. He kinda sounds like Chris Martin at times, if you close your eyes (which I did).
Charlie Wilson and Kevin Hart give the award for Best Rock Song. Quick thing: Kevin Hart’s show Real Husbands of Hollywood is quite good, especially for a show that featured Robin Thicke during the first season. Music Fact: The average age of the nominees for this category (all male and almost all white) was 56 years old. Rock.
Best Rock Song: Something that Paul McCartney did with the Foo Fighters.
Taylor Swift. There she is, doing her thing. Taylor Swift. Girl is tall.
Bruno Mars (who is a good singer and handsome and great) introduces Pink and Dude from fun. She’s keeping it fresh by doing that same spinning Cirque du Soleil shit again. It’s like your friend who has one really good card trick, so he does it at every party. That’s the way Pink is with curtains.
Ariana Grande and Miguel. Ariana Grande, like Hunter Hayes, is 9 years old. I like Miguel.
Best Pop Solo Performance: Lorde, “Royals”
Honestly, Lorde will be fine as long as she never moves to Los Angeles.
Black Sabbath is there to introduce Ringo Starr, like how in 30 years Korn will introduce Dave Grohl.
Jamie Foxx. Oscar and Grammy winner and obvious dickhead. He rambles about how he talked to Jay-Z backstage and objectifies Beyoncé and no one, no one, would cry if he were shot dead on the stage right then and there.
Jay-Z won ... something* and thanks “God, sorta” and calls the Grammy award a sippy cup, lol.
LL Cool J says it’s the anniversary of Def Jam records. Every year is the anniversary of something.
Kendrick Lamar is slumming with Imagine Dragons. Imagine Dragons sounds like the name of a band that writes original songs about Final Fantasy games. It is, in all sincerity, a wonderful performance. Kendrick Lamar is a good rapper and a good performer and, like all rappers, is a million times better and more interesting with a live band.
Also, the camera wasn’t looking at Taylor Swift for a minute so she popped up to dance hard at the raps.
Kacey Musgraves is a singer who has become so popular that I’ve learned how to spell her name. She sings that song. You know the one. I like her backing band, because it’s like “Do I know that guy? Oh wait, no, he just looks like eight dudes I’ve seen around town.” Have to remind myself that her hair is probably 60 percent extensions before I consider growing mine out.
Julia Roberts comes out to “Lay Down Sally” and talks about The Beatles. That isn’t just a very boring Mad Lib written by your Aunt Jean, it’s a thing that happened at the Grammy Awards last night.
Paul McCartney and Ringo star do a song together. I saw Paul McCartney at Bonnaroo, and it was great. I cried like eight times. Too bad they had to follow Kendrick Lamar.
Gloria Estefan and Marc Anthony. They are Latin musicians so they present an award together.
Best Pop Vocal Album: Bruno Mars, Unorthodox Jukebox
I like Bruno Mars. So much.
Jeremy Renner is there for some reason. Kris Kristofferson is there. Willie Nelson is there. Feel like I just discussed this when I recapped the CMAs. Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton. Fun Merle Haggard fact: Kinda hot, back in the day. Pillow-lipped and bedroom-eyed.
They do a medley of Country Classics and everyone in the crowd pretends to care and gets nervous when the camera hits them, because they don’t know the words.
Some chick and some dude come out. They remind us that two country music people (George Jones and Ray Price) are dead.
Best Country Album: Kacey Musgraves, Same Trailer Different Park
“I can’t even. I can’t even.” -Kacey Musgraves
“And now, ladies and gentlemen, the star of How I Met Your Mother *snicker* Neil Patrick Harris.” -LL Cool J
NPH introduces Daft Punk and Stevie Wonder.
They do “Get Lucky” which, as we've established, is a great song. This entire thing is now a celebration of the magic of disco and funk and cocaine. I love it.
Cyndi Lauper pops out, lookin’ fly. She says “beautiful tapestry” in that great Cyndi Lauper way. Introduces Carole King. And some lady. Sarah Hair Barrettes.
Song of the Year: Lorde, “Royals”
REAL song of the year IN MY HEART is “Locked Out of Heaven”
Jared Leto. Never really got it. Doing a Lou Reed tribute. I typo’d “doing” as “dong” at first and considered keeping it, because of Jared Leto.
Metallica. You’re familiar.
I’m told the song they did was “One.” I am not familiar with Metallica.
Smokey Robinson and Steven Tyler. STEVEN TYLER IMMEDIATELY STARTS CATERWAULING. Steven Tyler is a mistake of a human being. He is the absolute bar-none worst and the world will be a better place when he sits atop his throne in hell. Smokey Robinson is very gracious (for a terrified man). Smokey Robinson did not deserve that.
Record of the Year: Daft Punk, “Get Lucky”
Eighty-seven Frenchmen on stage with some robots and Pharrell and Nile Rodgers; it’s like some kind of sex dream you keep to yourself.
Queen Latifah, introducing the gay song from Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (no homo).
Oh THIS is what Macklemore does? Gonna eat spaghetti now.
Thirty-three couples decide to get married and make a televised mistake. And now Madonna comes out to sing, just in case you weren’t sure if this was a gay mass wedding or not.
In Memoriam Segment. It is up to you to decide who was the most important dead person. I got choked up at Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly (age thing for me), so he’s my answer.
Billie Joe Armstrong and Miranda Lambert do the Phil Everly tribute — I know this is what they are doing because I looked it up. (I was still eating spaghetti during this part.)
Alicia Keys, Yoko Ono and Someone Else now.
Daft Punk wins Album of the Year
Grammys love disco.
I love disco.
We all love disco.
Cocaine.
Good night.
ETA: Nine Inch Nails and Queens of the Stone Age and Lindsay Buckingham and Dave Grohl.
ETA II: Cocaine.
* Jay Z won Best Rap/Sung Collaboration for "Holy Grail," his collaboration with Justin Timberlake.
