Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Private Lives of Nashville Wives is a show that is now on television. Dozens of people colluded to cast, film, edit, write (yes), and perform on this show, and the result of all of that work is now here. How is it? So boring. Most of the women seem nice. Two of them want to be reality-TV famous. One of the husbands seems like an unctuous creep. The kids are all right. It was filmed last summer, and everyone looks so warm. So very warm.

Let's meet the cast and recap the very little action, shall we?

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Sarah. She wants to be a singer. "I want to be the next big thing," she says. She is married to Dallas Davidson, who is very successful. He wrote "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," which means he has a lot to answer for. "It's constantly filled with music and it's extremely sporadic," says Sarah of Nashville.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Erika. She is married to Bryan White. She used to be in soap operas. She's been a stay-at-home mom for ten years, and feels like she is not taken seriously.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Here is one of Erika and Bryan's sons, not taking his father seriously. This kid is the best person on the show by a mile.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Gary Chapman and his wife Cassie. She used to be a Hooter's girl. She seems nice enough. He seems creepy.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Betty Malo. She is married to Raul Malo of The Mavericks.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Jenny Terrell. She is a VP of some sort at Living Social.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Jenny's husband has a neck tattoo.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

This is Ana, twin sister of Betty. Ana and Betty suck. Ana and Betty love hamming it up for reality TV, though: They argue for an entire segment about picking up a dead pig for a roast. That description of the action was exactly as scintillating as it sounds.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

A dead pig.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Cassie and Gary's home in "Nashville." Look at how warm and green it seems! Do you remember summer?

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Gary Chapman shows off his gun. "It's like a Roger Rabbit cartoon gun."

"In most parts of the country when you hear gunfire in your neighborhood, it's something you should be concerned about. But that's not the case here in Nashville. So you just have to assume it was something that needed shooting." —Gary Chapman

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

The children are not impressed. "Do we have to shoot it?" they ask. Erika proceeds to be a good mother and tell the children never to touch guns, and to find an adult if they ever see one lying around.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

The adults shot a watermelon.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Betty and her husband and sister had their party with the pig. This guy was there.

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Sarah, who wants to be a singer, sings.

The End.

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