It is the penultimate episode before my summer vacation, and there is MAD. HOT. DRAMA. Contract signing! Headphone wearing! Record listening! And what's that, a hug between father and son? You bet your sweet chapped ass it is. This is the kind of hot shit that can only go down in Nashville.
Rayna & Deacon
Guess who is having trouble buying a liver off of Deacon’s sister? Rayna is! She is in her bustling office and gets word that news has broke about Deacon’s cancer — the phones are ringing off the hook! This is great bidness, gonna sell lotsa records. But oh no Deacon’s garbage sister has ripped up and returned Rayna’s million-dollar check! You’d think Rayna would have figured that out when it didn’t clear.
Then there is a scene that shows Rayna sadly walking into her house and not answering the phone. That is literally all that happens.
Rayna gets a lil’ drunk and listens to one of her and Deacon’s old duets and starts weeping. He enters the room, and she comes clean about trying to buy him a liver from his sister. She does not know what she’s going to do without him, after his seemingly inevitable death! They both cry and cry and cry. Deacon decides to skip a big important (sure) show at The Bluebird. Deacon’s all sad (understandably) because it feels like everyone’s already talking to him and about him like he’s dead.
So they DO decide to go to The Bluebird after all! Hooray! If it weren’t for characters saying they are not going to do something, letting that cause about 10 minutes of drama, and then doing that thing anyway to great acclaim, I do not believe we would have a show. Here is a perfect example of that, actually … Deacon’s sister walks right into The Bluebird at the end of the episode and says she wants to help him live! But she makes a mean face at Rayna! Oh no!
Juliette
This show takes place at three main locations: The Bluebird, from the side of a stage, and on a private jet. Juliette and Avery are on a jet right now, basking in her rooftop show success and thinking about how they can expand it into a full tour. Also Juliette forgets her baby exists for a second! Whoops! She is more into Avery and Success, it seems! I don’t actually care! The baby wasn’t even crying! Then they do it real quick and Juliette gets testy when an awkward Glenn, pretending not to know what just happened, says Rayna wants to talk to her. Avery says she’s “tired.”
Juliette goes to see Rayna, who has just found out that she can’t purchase organs off of hated family members. She is obviously gutted by the revelation that she cannot gut. Distant and distracted, she basically ignores Juliette and leaves the meeting. Juliette tells Bucky that she has been doing all the work and promotion, will pay all the fines for her rooftop concerts, and will deliver a completed album in … two days! Gee, I wonder if that tight schedule will interfere with her parenting duties, thus causing conflict with her husband Avery?
Talking to Avery, Juliette stretches the truth a lil’ and says that it was actually Rayna that demanded she finish an album in two days. Avery has just found out about Deacon’s cancer, and will represent the couple at his show at The Bluebird that night. Juliette will stay at home to work … with the baby!?!?!
Juliette has her headphones on, calls the assistant/nanny, and bails for the studio. She didn’t even hear her dumb crying baby! The nanny instantly sells her out and snitches to Avery. She says she doesn’t think the baby has been fed or changed for hours. Avery rolls into action to go have a srs talk with Juliette.
Avery stages a postpartum depression intervention on Juliette. She is, of course, angry. You know who is at this meeting? Apparently her doctor, and dude looks like he’s in an Interpol cover band. (Stella’s Divers will be at 8 Off 8th next Monday.)
Scarlett
Pretty convenient when your uncle is sleeping with one of the biggest names in town, huh? Scarlett, a cross-stitched pillow that says “Bless This Mess,” is with Gunnar at Highway 65 and about to sign with them. We are just rounding up the third season of the show and yes, this is basically how it all always happens for new people in town. Just generous record deals left and right. But the pair isn’t even looking at one another across the table. I don’t actually care! Take the money and run you dumbasses. Scarlett wants to keep looking at other labels, but it seems more like an excuse to start a fight with Gunnar. You know what? I am tired. Everything is awful. All of these people are the worst.
Scarlett talks to Unkie Deke about her hot label probs after discussing his cancer for all of about five seconds. She says it’s so hard to be a group when she and Gunnar are fighting all the time. Left out: She is starting the fights. Deacon says she doesn’t have to marry him, she just has to sing with him. Scarlett chuckles, and I commend the show for passing up the opportunity to bloviate about how singing is, like, the most intimate thing people can do together (it is not).
Speaking of talking about real problems for five second and then fading, Gunnar’s old girlfriend is so excited she got to speak to her son! And that she gets to visit him soon! But whoops Gunnar’s manager is on the phone and tells him they need to stop fighting and take a deal ’cause he’s gotta make that $$$.
Jesus CHRIST Gunnar is an asshole outta nowhere! Scarlett and Dr. Boyfriend show up to The Bluebird and see Gunnar and … Kid’s Mom. (There have been 87 named characters on this show, give me a break.) Kid’s Mom is polite and cordial, Gunnar is like, “SORRY SCARLETT WHAT WHERE YOU SAYING WHEN DR. BOYFRIEND CUT YOU OFF?” Only he did not cut her off at all! These two buttclowns deserve one another.
Gunnar tells Scarlett she’s gotta stop being weird toward Kid’s Mom (Kylie!). She is not being weird? Then Scarlett says Gunnar is being rude to Dr. Boyfriend. The two of them are just snipe snipe snipe. Dr. Boyfriend and Kid’s Mom Kylie are like, “Hmm what is the deal with THESE two monsters?” Oh my God then Gunnar accuses Scarlett AGAIN of “Goin’ around all fancy, pretending to be something you’re not.” Scarlett’s “fanciness,” I want to remind everyone, consists of the following: 1. Not having mental breakdowns 2. Having a nice boyfriend 3. Wearing attractive human clothes and not blankets with head-holes cut in them. I hate Gunnar. Anyway then she gets a call from Deacon and he asks her and Gunnar to fill in while he skips the show.
They do a song. Scarlett pronounces “Claybourne” like “Clay-burn” instead of “Clay-born.” They sing a sexy sexy song and their dates are making awkward eyes at one another. After their set, they make it up and agree to be bidness partners and sign with Highway 65. Wow for a second I definitely did not think that was going to happen! (JK it was inevitable.)
Ugh OK then their significant others are like “What’s the deal with ur relationship???” And Kid’s Mom Kylie was like, “Scarlett was throwing shade,” and maybe I’m just ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED but I did not notice this and, more importantly, don’t care enough to go back and double-check. I’ll just take her word for it.
Teddy
Teddy Conrad, the most incompetent Mayor since McCheese, is meeting with a prosecutor (or whatever) to cut a deal for his many many many many many crimes so they can nail a … state senator? Not even like a Congressperson, just a rando state senator. CALL ME STUPID but isn’t the mayor of a capitol city a much higher target? And it’s not like this senator is being investigated for, like, murder or anything, he’s basically up to the same shenanigans as Teddy, having been involved with Lamar. Uhhhh Teddy invented that game! But he bristles at being asked to wear a wire, because he is dumb as hell.
But of course he does it anyway. He goes to meet Senator Grifter at a fancy bar. Haha Grifter guy was like “You know I never dealt with Lamar directly, it was Tandy who I mostly worked with. But she’s got a new life in California!” Hahaha. IDGAF about any of this.
Will
Will went on vacation with his new co-writer boyfriend, but won’t kiss him in public now! They share a many hug on the street instead. Will then goes on to play … some fancy bar for a lot of women. Also Luke is there! And also Will’s dad is there! In a cowboy hat! Looking menacing! Oh no! Will and his pa have a heart-to-heart about abandonment down by the riverfront. It seems that Will’s pa believes he has “turned his life around” (i.e., not gay any more) because he got married to a kinda famous lady for a minute. K!
Will and his pa go to one of Luke’s Wheelin’ Dealin’ Stealin’ Peelin’ parties. Handsome kind understanding songwriter Kevin meets Will’s pa, and is normal and nice. Will is nervous because his father appears to still be an asshole bigot. But then his dad says he had prayed for a reunion and that he loved him and then they hug! Everything is going to be OK! OR IS IT???
He goes to tell Kevin about the love. Kevin astutely notes that his dad probably only gives a damn because he’s a rising name in country music. Will is hurt, and goes home rather than staying with Kevin. Meanwhile, Luke has been given an iPad full of vaguely incriminating pictures of Will and Kevin at their getaway. There is shirtlessness and light touching and standing next to one another. A tabloid wants to run the photos and out Will. I think they could get ahead of the story by saying the two songwriters just went to the cabin and did a lot of acid together. It is plausible!
Layla
Layla has been DROPPED from Jade’s TOUR because JEFF did a sneaky TWEET from Jade’s PARTY and Jade got MAD and now MEGHAN TRAINOR (kewl song about how dudes wanna fuck you and not fuck skinny girls v v empowering). Poor Layla is crying over the missed opportunity, and Jeff is pretending like it’s all her fault. He tells her that she should be the Taylor Swift to Jade’s Katy Perry and use Twitter to get out of the mess. Yes, all three of those women were referenced in a scene that lasted [starts timer] 56 seconds.
While Layla’s recording a song, Jeff has been Tweeting mean shit from her account. He has also taken charge of her phone, and receives a call from Bucky who is none to pleased about these Internet Tweet Wars. Why, it has made HuffPo! Jeff tells Bucky he’ll take care of it. Jeff tells Layla that Bucky loves it. Jeff y u gotta be so villain bb?
He also wants Layla to sign a contract giving him, like, I dunno, rights and money in perpetuity forever. He is very abuser about it, all “Only I can take care of you baby, do you wanna be alone???” But Layla wants to be famous and believes Jeff can help her do that, so she signs. Then they kiss. Y’all gross. (I love them.)
Maddie & Daphne
Visiting Tandy in California. LOL K.
interpol video directed by floria sigismondi
