ABC is working overtime this week to solidify the absolute worst American stereotypes overseas by sending in a contingent of the nation’s most garbage citizens via an obnoxiously large cruise ship to invade quaint European towns with television cameras and cultural mockery. Why so angry, Europeans? Quit your crying and clean up these Starbucks cups that the crew littered on your cobblestone streets.
This week, The BacheloretteS are taking their men to Bruges, Belgium, and our viewing party is joined by a Belgian fact-checker who has never watched an episode of this show before but who’s about to watch his hometown be desecrated by 20 wannabe influencers. Gonna be fun!
“It’s not on the coast,” shouts the Belgian eight seconds into the episode when he sees a crude illustration (presumably designed by a second grader) that shows the cruise ship sailing into Bruges. Maybe this is one of those newfangled cruise ships that can sail on land.
The men gather at the edge of the boat and point in awe over the railing. We cut to B-roll of the charming town of Bruges before them. “That’s 10 miles away!” shouts the Belgian. WOW, we should hire a fact-checker for every episode. I, for one, am shocked to know that not everything we see on this show is accurate or real.
Gabby is living her best life on this empty cruise ship — getting ice cream without waiting in line. Goals! But Logan, a man whose head will fall off if he removes the oversized silver chain around his neck, is still agonizing over the fact that he has feelings for Gabby, even though he is supposed to be Team Rachel. There’s no better way to work through your feelings than standing along a balcony, gazing off into the distance, so that’s exactly what he does. The closed captioning says “Tense Music” as he walks along the side of the ship. Will he jump into the sea and disappear forever? Sadly, no.
Logan goes to Rachel’s room to chat / dump her. He buries the lede and starts his speech by telling her that he feels honored every time she puts a rose on him. Rachel, assuming this is a love visit, is sooo happy to hear it, but then he tells her — in his best Batman voice — that he doesn’t want to continue his journey with her. Closed captioning tells us “Somber Music” is playing now. Will Rachel fling herself into the sea and disappear forever? Sadly, no.
Rachel is pissed that he has accepted soooo many roses from her (read: two) when he was having doubts. I don’t like Logan, but in his defense, he knew these two women for about three days before he was forced to commit himself unequivocally to one of them. It’s not outside of the realm of possibility that he’d meet two hot girls and kinda like both of them. He keeps trying to explain all the things he likes about Gabby, and Rachel is like, “Yeah, I get it.” He leaves her room and Rachel’s downward spiral that began weeks ago picks up speed until it reaches maximum velocity and she sobs in a bathrobe in her cruise ship bed.
Group Date
Meanwhile, in the midst of all of this, a date card arrived for Rachel’s guys: Tino, Zach, Meatball, Ethan and Tyler. The men are walking through Bruges doing totally normal Bruges things like watching grown men wrestle in a vat of melted chocolate. Let’s take this over to the Belgian fact-checker for review, shall we? “Chocolate wrestling” gets a look of sheer horror and a big “what the fuck” from him. Oooh, that one hurt!
While the men learn more about the ancient Belgian ritual of chocolate wrestling, JPalm shows up at Rachel’s room to make it all better. Oh, I bet he could make it all better if you know what I'm sayin'. She feels like a failure as the Bachelorette, but JPalm — who was a total failure as the Bachelor — assures her it’ll all be OK. Rachel, I’m confident that Logan dumping you will not keep you from achieving the ultimate goal of this show: getting Instagram famous. Rachel decides to cancel the date and the men are very disappointed to miss out on seeing Belgium Rachel.
Meanwhile, Logan shows up at Gabby’s room and she is wearing an oversized sweater tucked into mom jeans. Hot girls can get away with so much. Logan tells her he has feelings for her, and Gabby admits that she is interested, but she wants to check in with her friend first. Rachel gives her the green light to pursue Logan but she secretly (and also vocally) hopes Gabby sends him packing.
That night, Rachel shows up to meet Tino, Zach, Meatball, Ethan and Tyler for a cocktail party. She immediately tells the guys that they can leave if they want to, and I’m just curious if I’m allowed to leave…? Yes? No? Maybe?
Ethan uses his time to tell Rachel how much he loves making her smile, and Tino uses his time to show Rachel that he is just as needy as she is. He says he felt “unseen” today when she canceled the date, but all in all, they kiss while “Romantic Music” plays. She gets some kissy kissy time with Tyler in a hall of mirrors, and then Zach tries to have a conversation with her while she drunkenly strokes his face. Ultimately, she gives the rose to Tino. Tino is gonna win the whole thing, right?
Gabby’s Group Date
Gabby takes her guys on a Belgian boat and then to make Belgian waffles and then to play Belgian soccer against Belgian kids. They go play a traditional “Belgian game” of Rock Paper Scissors where if you lose, you get slapped across the face with a dead fish. Fact check? This is not a real Belgian pastime.
That night, the guys gather on their cruise ship home for a cocktail party when Logan shows up. “Dramatic Music” plays. Then “Tense Music” plays as Logan tells the guys he’s here to pursue Gabby. This feels incredibly awkward, like Logan was hired for a key position at your company but you didn't know the position was even open or that there was money to hire for a new position or that Logan was being considered or that Logan is even qualified.
The guys use their one-on-one time to tell Gabby how awkward it is for Logan to be there, but no one dwells on it too much. Nate tells her it’s a little odd but he wants her to pursue every relationship and he supports her. We all think Nate is gonna win, right? The man is wearing a gold safety pin earring and I’m still rooting for him — that’s how you know it’s true love. Gabby makes out with basically every other guy on the date and then gives the rose to Nate.
Rachel’s One-on-One Date
Did you think this episode was almost over? So did we, but we’re just now starting the one-on-one dates. Good lord, make it end. Rachel and Aven take a horse-drawn carriage to a cute little shop. Every shop in Belgium is legally required to sell one of three things: chocolate, waffles or fries. Which one do Rachel and Aven stumble upon? Chocolate, of course. Next, they meet some lace-makers, who give Rachel a wedding veil. Rachel and Aven make out allllll over Bruges and, honestly, what better way to spend your time in Europe?
At dinner, Aven opens up about his upbringing and how he split his time between his mom and dad growing up. He tells Rachel that his mom made him a bracelet, and he loans it to Rachel to give her confidence and security. I think in order for Rachel to be confident and secure, she needs to be given an entirely new personality, but a bracelet is nice too. They walk outside and make out while a very intense fireworks show goes off behind them, and you just know the entire town is trying to sleep and muttering “damn Americans” while ABC pollutes the night air.
Gabby’s One-on-One Date
Johnny the Stoner gets the one-on-one date and he meets Gabby — first leg-wrap hug of the season — at a brewery. Or, as Johnny calls it, “a beer farm.” Does he think beer is harvested on a farm? How does that work exactly? Does the beer flow through the fields like a stream? Do you tap a beer tree to harvest the beverage? Oh, look, there’s a lager tree. On the other side of the farm, we’ve got stout trees.
Gabby and Johnny go to a “beer spa” where they spank each other with beer branches and soak in giant vats of beer. They laugh a lot and honestly this date seems fun. That night, they defile an entire religion by having dinner in a fancy church. At dinner, Johnny talks about how he feels depression and like he’s at an all-time low. Johnny the Stoner, I beg of you, go to therapy. At the end of the date, Gabby says — and this is a direct quote — “I love the inside of Johnny.” I bet Johnny would love the inside of you too, Gabs.
Rose Ceremony
The cocktail party starts with some awkwardness because of Logan. I, too, feel awkward about Logan, but mostly because of his sparkly neckwear. Gabby and Nate have a cute moment where she gives him Belgian chocolate for his daughter and he cries (and maybe I do too).
Logan brings Gabby some raw fish so she’ll slap him. Whatever you’re into, my man. She slaps him about 12 times and then they kiss while “Romantic Music” plays but I think it should be “Gagging Music” because honestly, can you imagine making out with a man whose face was just caressed by a dead fish?
JPalm announces that it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and we haven’t seen a single second of Rachel’s cocktail hour conversation. Maybe so many of her guys left that everyone gets a rose this week? Hey, JPalm, do you want a rose too? We’re running low on suitors for Rachel.
Nate and Johnny already have roses from Gabby, and Tino and Aven already have roses from Rachel. Gabby gives her remaining roses to Jason, Spencer, E-Rich and Logan. Rachel gives her remaining roses to Zach, Tyler and Ethan.
That means Meatball is leaving! And so are Mario and Mike. Meatball, Mario and Mike sound like the guys the Mafia sends after you to get their money. Say hello to my little Meatball!
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 7 (4 women, 3 men)
Drinks Consumed: 21
Fake Belgian Pastimes: 2
Belgian Fact-Checkers Who Will Never Watch This Show Again: 1
