First kisses! Boys that can’t express their emotions! Crying in the backseat of a car! Are we watching a home video of your first school dance? Nope, it’s just a new episode of The Bachelorette.
Shout-out to Megan Seling, who filled in as resident recapstress for me last week while I was on vacation (aka visiting my family in Cleveland, Ohio, aka The Mistake on the Lake, aka Home of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and a river that once caught on fire because it was so polluted, aka Land of the Reigning NBA Champions of the Universe — go sports!). Megan posted a photo of her beagle, Johnny Waffles, in last week’s recap, so now I feel like I have to post a photo of my beagle, Sir Augustus Liam Floydingshire III (aka Gus), to keep the universe balanced.
Here’s Gus when he was a wee little pup recapping Alex Michel’s season of The Bachelor. JK, he wasn’t alive during Alex’s season of The Bachelor. None of us were. Honest question: would any of you notice if The Bachelorette recaps evolved into the Beagle recaps? Just an idea Megan and I are floating. On with the show …
Intro
The gang has travelled to Buenos Aires for the week and JoJo does a thing I hate, which is when people are speaking totally normal English and try to say a Spanish word with an accent and end up sounding dumb. Thanks for welcoming us to Bway-nos Add-res, JoJo. A Midwestern accountant from a medium-size firm joins JoJo on a bench. Oh, wait, nope, that’s just Chris Harrison. He asks JoJo if she can believe she’s in Argentina and she says she can’t. I’m guessing it’s because she didn’t realize Buenos Aires was in Argentina. Did YOU know that? Honestly? Really? Fine, point to it on a map then.
JoJo also says she can’t believe she’s halfway through her “journey to find love.” It has gone “so fast.” Um, that’s probably because when you spend 20 minutes looking for love, the first 10 minutes pass by fairly quickly.
One-on-One Date
The date card arrives and it is addressed to Wells, Nashville’s hometown hero. (He is not a hometown hero in any sense, but he’s the last guy we have standing so let’s rally around him, shall we? Spoiler alert: it’ll be a short rally.) The date card says “Bésame, bésame, muchacho.” The guys immediately know — and were not prompted by producers at all — that it means “Kiss me, kiss me, boy.” Wells admits that he’s the one guy left who hasn’t kissed JoJo. Admitting that to a room full of frat boys on ’roids is his first of many mistakes tonight.
The bros make it super awkward when JoJo arrives by being a bunch of second grade girls and asking if they’re going to kiss on the date. Robby, the manscape capital of the world, worries that if Wells’ first kiss with JoJo isn’t perfect, she’ll send him home. “Brochacho,” Chase says, and we laugh (according to my notes).
Wells and JoJo start their date by browsing an Argentinian market where he buys her things with ABC’s money. Next, they go watch some weird/cool performance art that involves people in a see-through pool that’s suspended over JoJo and Wells’ heads. JoJo and Wells partake in the performance art and Wells frets about how to lose his kissing virginity to JoJo. He tries to make a move and chokes about 12 times. It is painful to watch, especially when the world’s worst high-five turns into the world’s worst kiss on the cheek. Wells, have you ever interacted with a female before? A sister, an aunt, a lady clerk at the grocery store? Get it together, man.
https://www.whipclip.com/embed/ekh0b
JoJo and Wells swim around in the performance art pool for a bit and at the last possible second, he finally kisses her … while wearing spandex. Interesting choice. JoJo cheers for him, and I die inside.
That night at dinner, Wells admits to feeling a little “tingle in his heart.” I’m not a doctor, but I think you might want to get that checked out, Wells. Wells and JoJo talk about their past relationships and hopes for the future. JoJo says she wants a fairy-tale love and Wells scoffs harder than the cashier at Barista Parlor when you ask if they carry Splenda. All in all, JoJo thinks Wells is “an amazing human being,” but not quite amazing enough to get a rose. Is it because he sucks as a kisser? Probably. If you have kissed Wells Adams, please comment below and rate his kissing abilities.
Wells is clearly sad but he takes it like a man and is nice to JoJo and Nashville is fine accepting him back because we have far worse things to worry about. Brace yourself for some super sad emo music this week though, folks.
Group Date
It occurs to me at this point in the episode that I don’t like any of these remaining guys and I really don’t care who wins. I mean, I guess I hope the least douchey guy of these remaining douchey guys wins, but how do I even go about determining who that is? Just pick the deep V-neck and pile of hair gel that’s nearest you, JoJo, and let’s call it a day.
Not The Real James Taylor is feeling like a bit of an outcast in this group of “really cool dudes” (his words, definitely not mine). The wicked awesome dudes start playing a pick-up soccer game and it is determined by the Argentinian soccer gods that whoever makes a goal gets to kiss JoJo. Jordan tries and fails. Zack tries and fails. Robby tries to pay off the goalie first and he still fails. Next up: Not The Real James Taylor. NTRJT actually makes the goal and proves he’s a man despite his lack of abs and a spray tan, things that NTRJT defines as being requisites of a real man. He has never met a man.
That night at the cocktail party, these totally radical dudes wear their hair extra poofy and their jackets extra leathery to impress JoJo. She and Luke have a conversation with their faces approximately 1.4 centimeters apart, her hands inching near his nether regions and his hands practically fondling her lady bits. There is Spanish guitar in the background and a lot of making out and I think, for a brief moment, that perhaps I have had so much wine that I didn’t realize I accidentally flipped the channel to a steamy telenovela.
https://www.whipclip.com/embed/el2it?pid=19789
Meanwhile, NTRJT decides to stake his claim firmly in the Friend Zone by ratting out Jordan. Snitches get stitches, James. NTRJT feels as though it’s his moral obligation to enlighten JoJo about the real Jordan, which I guess is a guy who sometimes cheats at cards … ? JoJo, hoping to find a man who plays Old Maid with some damn integrity, decides to confront Jordan, who then also rehashes what went down in the poker game. I’d tell you guys, but it’s seriously so lame and boring that you’d fall asleep reading it. Jordan then returns to the guys and sips his white wine spritzer in silence because he is JUST SO MAD ABOUT THAT CARD GAME!
While these little bitches are still fighting about the rules of Go Fish, the date rose goes to Luke.
Two-on-One Date
Horror of all horrors! There’s a two-on-one date between Chase and Derek, two guys who up until this very moment I thought were the same person. Chase is angry about the date and doesn’t understand why he was put in this life-and-death situation. Someone should probably explain that he won’t actually die if he doesn’t get a rose. JoJo and the bros watch a tango performed by two men and a woman who may or may not be wearing underwear. (Seriously, ABC might get fined by the FCC tomorrow.) Now, JoJo and her men are going to learn the dance. The rehearsal is basically a lot of JoJo hugging one guy and then walking sensually over to the other guy and hugging him. I think I could definitely tango, guys. I’m good at walking and giving hugs.
The trio heads to dinner and does the worst thing that ever happens on this show, which is when the bachelor/bachelorette holds hands with both of the people they’re dating on the two-on-one date. Derek tells JoJo he feels the passion and he’s falling for her, and she’s all, “Cool. That’s nice.” And then JoJo talks to Chase and confronts him about their last conversation and how she walked away feeling like she had stronger feelings for him than he had for her. And he looks at her, with all the emotion a girl could expect from a monotone robot, and says, “bleep bloop, cannot compute. Do not know the meaning of this word ‘love.’ I was not programmed to feel human emotion. Bleep bloop.” These two conversations are enough to help JoJo make her decision, and she decides to give the rose to Chase. He is so excited, he must reboot his mainframe.
Derek is shocked and feels as though he’s not good enough. In the car, he cries a lot and says things like, “I am Derek, and Derek is imperfect.” I am Nancy, and Nancy is mocking this moron for talking about himself in the third person. JoJo and Chase dance together while the Argentinian JoJo sings “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” and the show cuts back and forth to Derek crying in the car and saying “Don’t cry” and this is definitely the most fun the editors of this show have ever had.
https://www.whipclip.com/embed/emejl?pid=19789
Rose Ceremony
Jordan immediately pulls JoJo aside and tells her she could be the person he wants to “do life with,” and my hatred for him is complete. Nothing is worse than people who repeatedly use the phrase “do life with.” You can live life, you can do things, you cannot “do life.” What are you, Jordan? An Instagram account for a hip church for young people? To recap, things that annoy me terribly: people who use an accent to say one Spanish word in a sentence, when the bachelorette goes on a date with two people at the same time and is forced to hold their hands like they’re a first grade class walking to the restroom, and people that say “do life with.” Well done, ABC, on hitting on the trifecta of terribleness.
JoJo gives the first two roses to Robby and Jordan. Only NTRJT and Alex, the Mini Marine, remain. JoJo walks out of the room before giving out the final rose of the night, and you know Chris Harrison has got to be pissed since announcing “the final rose of the night” is literally the only thing on his contract. JoJo says she feels sick to her stomach but she can’t give out the last rose. She gives it back to Chris and returns to tell NTRJT and Mini Marine, who look crestfallen, UNTIL Chris Harrison walks in carrying TWO roses. Oh, snap! You got me that time, Bachelorette. Well played! JoJo gives both guys a rose and NTRJT thinks it’s totes amaze to still be in the running with this group of totally tubular dudes, but Mini Marine is angry and ready to punch someone in the throat … assuming he can reach a throat.
Piston Honda is one of these characters that will either make or break
you because he has a knack for mixing things up. In 1:00 exact, Piston
Honda will perform his signature Banzai attack. If you time your jab or
body blow right, you can knock him down. Here's a strategy I used to
take him down. It's not perfect but if you need more info, check out
KingdomCarts' vids and you'll find why.Phase 1 - Hold Up before the
fight begins so you can get ready for this. Immediately afterwards, let
go and quickly perform three Gutters for 3 Stars. Quickly, give him an
Uppercut and then afterwards throw a right jab to get a Star. What
happens next depends on what Honda does. This video shows the easiest
way so as soon as he throws a hook, jab and then throw an uppercut then
another. He'll either throw another hook or an uppercut so whatever you
do, dodge it then throw three jabs followed with an uppercut.Phase 2 -
He'll get up on one and you'll have no stars. Do the same gutter
pattern but just throw one gutter and then afterwards give him an
uppercut.Phase 3 - Do the gutter pattern to throw three gutters and
afterwards, throw two uppercuts. Wait till he throws a punch, dodge it
quick and then throw an unstunned uppercut. If you can pull that off,
you'll kick his japanese ass before 1:00. If not, when he gets ready
for his banzai attack, throw a jab, body blow or uppercut and you'll
take him down.Like I said, if you don't seem to understand it, check
out KingdomCarts' videos. His videos will show everything you need to
know.
