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This is the fourth episode of The BacheloretteS, which means that if you're reading this, you’ve likely dedicated eight hours of your life to this heinous season so far. That’s the equivalent of a whole work day, and much like an average work day, this show was productive for about two hours total and completely wasted everyone’s time for the other six.

It’s morning in Bachelor Mansion, and the guys are all hanging out discussing who is Team Gabby and who is Team Rachel, like the absolute tween douchebags they are. We discover, rather anticlimactically I might add, that Meatball has lived to see another day. Long live the Meatball! Grocery Store Joe 2.0 (aka Hayden) keeps bringing up the fact that he called Gabby “rough around the edges,” and that he thinks the BacheloretteS have overreacted to him being an insulting prick. He calls them "bitches" about six times, and says they don’t hold a candle to his ex. Cool guy. Given the fact that we see him refer to Gabby and Rachel as bitches from about 12 different angles, including a few times in black and white and in slow-motion, I am 1,000% confident this isn’t the last we’ll see of this beautiful moment. If I’ve learned anything from watching 200 seasons of this show, it’s that when you put 20 men in the same house and force them to compete for the same woman, there is literally nothing they won’t snitch about. Dudes will be pulling the Bachelorette aside to tell her who left crumbs on the counter; I guarantee they’re gonna be foaming at the mouth to rat on Hayden’s smug ass.

JPalm arrives at the house to tell the guys that Rachel and Gabby have left Los Angeles. Smart ladies. I, too, would flee from these men if given the chance. Sadly, the girls haven’t hopped in a convertible to drive off a cliff together — they just flew to France. That means, les douches will be joining them in France. But wait! JPalm announces that not all of the men will be going to France! Sacre bleu! Two guys will be going to … PARIS! Texas? Kentucky? Oh, JPalm, you big dum-dum, did you forget again how cities and countries work? Gabby has chosen Jason and Rachel has chosen Tino for one-on-one dates in Paris. Trés boring!

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The men arrive in France, and JPalm speaks to them in French. Oui, oui, Jesse. Tes cheveux ont l'air stupide. He tells the guys that, yes, they’re technically in France, but they have to stay on a cheesy-ass cruise ship. I knew there had to be a catch. Everyone on this ship died at sea of Covidpox, so the men are going to live there now and exorcise the demons. While finding love, of course. Team Gabby and Team Rachel are split up on separate floors, but what I’d like to know is which team gets access to the Spinnaker Lounge.

One-on-One Dates

Meanwhile, in Paris — the one located in France — Gabby and Rachel meet in a cute cafe for warm croissants and hot gossip. The girls are excited for their dates with Tino and Jason. Gabby says, “This could be the start of the rest of our journey.” I mean, yeah. Every second is technically the beginning of the rest of your journey, Gabs.

Gabby says that Jason is a man of few words, and it’s one of the things she is most attracted to about him. Take notes, men. We all want less words from you. Gabby and Jason get custom-made berets, which Gabby laments makes her look like a bald baby. Well, yeah, but a really chic bald baby. The couple rides a carousel, and Gabby realizes that if she sucks Jason face, he’ll stop saying any words at all. Trés smart!

Meanwhile, Rachel and Tino start their date by kissing in the rain and going to get some chocolates. And then they go eat crepes. Honestly, this is my dream date, minus Tino and Rachel. The crepe man invites them to the kitchen to make their own, which is how I know this is scripted because an actual French crepe maker would spit on these stupid Americans. Rachel and Tino then go drink wine and the next thing you know — to quote one viewing party guest — “they’re dry-humping in the ruins of Notre-Dame.” Trés inappropriate!

The couples meet up at a cafe, and all four of them are wasted. The girls sneak away to have some emotional glassy-eyed drunk girl talk about how they are sooooo in love with these guys. They’re one Aperol spritz from losing a shoe and crying on the sidewalk about how all their friends hate them.

That night, Tino and Rachel have a romantic dinner in the middle of a cathedral that’s probably 500 years older than America, but sure, eat your stupid little dinner on this sacred ground. Rachel opens up about how hard it is to be a pilot and have a traditional family because her career would require a man to take care of the kids occasionally and, honestly, gross. If God had wanted men to take care of children, he wouldn’t have created a legal system with little to no ramifications for dodging child support payments.

Rachel asks Tino if he wants a family and, after a 12-minute pause, he says, “Yeah.” Very convincing. They gush about each other a little bit more, and Tino says he would literally go to war for a rose. Wow. Literally no one is asking you to do that. We debate as a group what Tino’s full name could be. There are votes for Valentino or Antonio, but it turns out Tino is short for Justino. Justino? Can’t wait until the dramatic episode when Tino unpacks his feelings about how his parents absolutely hate him.

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Jason and Gabby show up for their evening date, and they try to have conversation at dinner, but they’re both so wasted that they look like they might pass out in the plate of food they haven’t touched. It’s time for Jason’s sob story, which is that he played tennis but eventually quit. Aw, poor little rich boy gave up his tennis career! What a hard life. What did he do with all those white shorts? Did he even have a reason to hang out at the country club anymore? Was he still allowed to wear a sweater loosely tied around his shoulders? Trés challenging! Gabby does some spectacular emotional gymnastics to connect Jason quitting tennis to her not being loved by her mother, but ultimately she and Jason bond over therapy and I’m here for it. Once we know Jason goes to therapy, we’re all finding many things we love about him. Sure, he’s got ‘90s villain hair and he barely speaks and his taste in clothing is questionable. The man knows what inner child work is, for crying out loud. Marry him immediately!

Gabby’s Group Date

Nate, Kirk, Quincey, E-Rich, Michael, Mario, Spencer and Johnny get to go on a group date with Gabby. The guys show up to a boxing ring (presumably on the giant cruise ship they live on now), and they’re going to be learning — and competing in — French boxing. I regret to inform you that it’s not as fun as the French version of other pastimes. Gabby is looking for a man to fight for her and so she's forcing them to fight to the death for her.

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It’s time for the boxing match, and Rachel shows up with her guys to watch. Gabby’s men have to box each other, but first they have to make a love speech. Nothing says true love like spouting a stupid little poem and then punching another dude in the face. Meanwhile, Rachel is having a meltdown because the guys are watching the fight instead of making eyes at her. She cries to the camera for an hour and then finally decides to confront the guys. Noooo, don’t do it! This is more brutal to watch than the boxing.

Gabby gets to choose a winner to spend one-on-one time with her, and she chooses Spencer. This is the first we’ve seen of Spencer since he brought chairs on night one for the ladies to sit in during the introductions, and he doesn’t do anything totally appalling so I guess we’re still Team Spencer.

Rachel’s Group Date

It’s time for Rachel to take her remaining guys on a group date. After getting rebuked for paying more attention to men beating each other up than to Rachel in a sports bra, the guys double down on pretending to be excited and they go running to Rachel to give her a hug. Rachel reminds the guys for the umpteenth time that she is desperate for attention — I mean, wants to feel wanted — before they head into a house and find a couple kissing. This horny French couple is going to teach the men how to seduce Rachel. First, they have to flirt with Rachel. One guy attempts to choke her, a bunch of guys try (and fail) to dance with her, and one guy crawls like a panther toward her. I am beginning to understand why they’re all still single. Next, the guys have to French kiss their own fists (not their first time, I can assure you), and then Rachel is blindfolded and has to sniff each guy’s armpits. WHAT?! Is this date about seducing Rachel or inducing vomit from her?

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Lastly, the men have to write love letters. These forced love letters are really making Rachel feel special. Rachel gets to choose a guy for some one-on-one time in her suite, and she chooses Tyler because he wrote a poem that had all the romance and finesse as if a third grader wrote it. He tells her he wants to be the rock for his wifey, and then they kissy kissy in the hot tub.

After the date, Logan sits down with JPalm and tells him that he still has feelings for Gabby. “The heart wants what it wants,” he says. Yeah, I don’t think that’s your heart talking, pal. Logan is determined to tell Gabby how he feels at the next Rose Ceremony. Logan is a man who wears a flashy silver chain with a turtleneck, so good riddance.

Cocktail Party

Gabby and Rachel arrive at the cocktail party and talk about how much they miss each other every day. Do they not know they’re literally living on the same boat? They're in the same boat on the same boat. Grocery Store Joe 2.0 — gentle reminder that he called the girls bitches at the beginning of the episode — brings a scrapbook of his dog to show Rachel. Nice try, pal. We ain’t fallin’ for that! (Cute dog though. Looks like a very good boy.) And then he goes on to say that his dog has a brain tumor and he only has months to live. WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?! I genuinely don’t care that there are men who left their human children to be on this show, but a man who could walk away from his cancer-stricken dog is a special kind of asshole.

Meatball pulls Rachel aside and tells her that Grocery Store Joe 2.0 called her and Gabby “bitches.” Rachel immediately addresses Grocery Store Joe 2.0 and he denies ever saying it because it’s not his character. The character of a man who abandoned his sick dog? Rachel doesn’t believe the dog-neglecter and escorts him out, where he literally has to walk the plank to get off the boat. In his exit interview, he tries to make it out like he's leaving to be with his sick dog, Rambo. Don’t you dare bring Rambo into this!! Rachel goes and lies down on a cruise ship couch to cry some more about how her life is so hard. Here’s the thing, guys — she keeps having good days and then she has bad days, and that’s literally a description of every single person’s life.

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Rachel cancels the rest of the cocktail party before Logan gets a chance to break her heart. Gabby gives roses to Nate, Erich, Johnny, Michael, and Mario. Rachel gives roses to Aven, Meatball, Zach, Ethan, and … Logan. Gotta save a little rejection for Rachel for next week.

By the Numbers

Viewing Party Guests: 15 (9 women, 5 men, 1 baby)

Drinks Consumed: 37

Viewing Party Newbies: 4 (3 adult women and 1 baby)

Minutes I Could Actually Hear the Television Over All the Chatter: 0

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