To quote a song that was released two years before Hannah Brown was even born: “We’ve come to the end of the road.” That’s right, folks, Chris Harrison isn’t pulling any fast ones on us tonight. The Bachelorette is finally over and I’m recapping what is legitimately two hours of wonderful TV. (I’m not even being facetious — this finale is legit good.)
We’re back in Greece as Hannah makes her final choice. Will she choose insanely attractive, emotionally mature and socially conscious Instagram model Tyler or Jed, a very bad aspiring songwriter from Nashville who has a couple girlfriends back home? Let’s find out!
It’s Engagement Day and Hannah is reading her Bible in a silky robe. She is tearing up as she reflects on how she has grown as a woman during this show. She has “shown everything” and it “felt amazing.” I assume she’s still referring to her quadruple lovefest in the windmill with Peter. We get it, girl.
Sound the alarms! Neil Lane is on the scene! We see Jed and Tyler look at engagement rings as Hannah waxes philosophical about what she loves about both of them. Hannah gets into her final gown, which honestly looks like a wedding dress, and starts heading to the Rose Ceremony. On the way there, she asks the driver to pull over because she just can’t do this. She can’t, y’all. She literally can’t. She actually really can’t because she starts walking down the hill and falls on her ass. Hannah is down-to-earth enough about it that she laughs. I laugh harder.
Rose Ceremony
The production crew has laid out some oriental rugs in the middle of a field in Greece for Hannah to give out her final rose. After dramatic music swells and the camera cuts between shots of Tyler and Jed, the car finally arrives and … Tyler gets out. Arriving first is the kiss of death. He tells Chris Harrison that he’s so excited and Hannah is all smiles when she greets him. Tyler starts to deliver a really sweet speech about how much he loves her until she finally stops him. How you gonna let him deliver the whole love speech, Miss Hannah B.? She says she’s in love with someone else and he continues to prove that he’s the perfect man by telling her that he’s still going to root for her and he wants nothing but the best for her and Jed. Hannah, how you gonna let him get in that car and leave? Tyler drives away sadly into the sunset and America mourns.
Jed arrives on the scene and HE BROUGHT HIS GUITAR! Wow, shocking plot twist — Jed is going to use this moment to plug his nonexistent music career. He says a few words and then explains that he’s bad at talking so he’s going to do some sangin’. Spoiler: the only thing he’s worse at than talking is singing. God, show mercy on us all and make this stop! Surely, you’ve got an asteroid to spare that you can send down to this field in Greece. Despite the pitchiness, the terrible lyrics and the amateur guitar-pickin’, Hannah is smitten. I have no doubt that in Jed’s small town in eastern Tennessee, he was probably the most talented kid in show choir, but that is the story of 99% wannabe songwriters in Nashville and it is precisely why I avoid open mic nights. Man, I would love to see Jed get dumped and have to walk off into the sunset, dragging his guitar at his side.
Hannah tells him that she’s been praying for this moment for a long time and that she loves him. Jed looks on the verge of vomiting but he gets down on one knee anyway and proposes. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take this moment to perform an original song I just wrote called, “He Asked You To Marry Him (But He’s Got a Side Piece At Home).”
Back in front of the live studio audience, Chris Harrison is all “LOL Jed proposed I’m sure he meant it he seems super sincere” and then he makes a bad pun about how Jed is about to face the music. Good one.
Happily Ever After?
We see a montage of home videos of Hannah and Jed having fun in the aftermath of their Greek proposal. Love is wonderful! Everything is great! We’re going to be together forever! But wait! Jed is not who he says he is. He has a girlfriend back home and Miss Hannah B. ain’t too happy about it.
At some undetermined time after the finale was filmed, Jed arrives at an undisclosed location to chat with Hannah who has read a People magazine story about Jed’s girlfriend. We know this because the camera zooms slowly to an open magazine on a table. Shockingly, Jed arrives without his guitar. But how will he convey that he’s sorry if he can’t sing it in a crappy song? Jed tells her that there are “two views to what actually happened.” Presumably the truth and Jed’s version. Jed tries to pass off his other relationship as super casual and meaningless even though they slept together, took vacations together and he introduced her to his parents. And then he agreed to go on an extravagant vacation with her but it was only because she threw him a surprise party and bought him a cake and he was just excited. Look, I have done a lot of foolish things for cake but I have never — NEVER — gone on an extravagant vacation with someone I didn’t love. Oh wait, it turns out Jed told this mystery girl that he loved her. But he was drunk! So it doesn’t count! He slept with the girlfriend the night before he left for the show, told her he was only going on the show for his music career and texted her love notes from the airport, but as he explains to Hannah, he “ended it in his heart but not out loud.” Ohhhh, ok, as long as you broke up silently in your heart, it’s totally fine, Jed. This woman back home is clearly crazy for not reading your aura and knowing that your relationship was over.
Hannah is, understandably, not pleased. She feels humiliated. Oh and she also got texts from some rando Nashville girls that were hanging out in Jed’s apartment after they were engaged. You know who you are, rando girls! (Email me — let’s talk!) Jed is very robotic as he asks what he can do to salvage his career this relationship. Also! Also! Jed told all his friends he “won” the show. Hannah says she feels like this whole experience has been taken away from her because she was told half-truths and lies. What she’s really saying is that she wishes she would’ve chosen Tyler. Don’t we all?
Hannah pulls off her engagement ring and says this isn’t what she said yes to. The crowd in the live studio audience (that we see intermittently in a tiny box in the bottom corner of the screen) goes wild. What I wouldn’t give for an hour of just audience reactions to Jed’s dumbass comments.
We’re left with a cliffhanger and we’re back in front of the live studio audience. Hannah joins Chris Harrison and she’s wearing her best pageant smile but her eyes are really sad. I feel bad for Hannah. I give her a lot of grief because that’s what I’m here for, but she has been surprisingly and impressively poised throughout a lot of horrible situations on this show. Hannah brings Chris Harrison up to speed on the past few months and announces that she and Jed are no longer together. The crowd cheers. I feel happiness in my cold, dark heart.
Hannah hasn’t seen Jed since dumping his ass on the phone so let’s bring him out! The audience does not clap. Jed, wisely, begins his time on stage with an apology to Hannah and to Bachelor Nation. We do not accept. Hannah is far more gracious than I and tells Jed that she appreciates his apology and hopes he’ll learn from this experience and become the man she knows he can be.
Jed says he’s gonna make like Dolly and always love Hannah, and I’d like to believe that but I’m sure Jed has already told another girl he accidentally proposed to Hannah because there was cake! Hannah just slaps that shit down and says their relationship is over for realz. Chris Harrison gives Jed the final word (what the – ?) and Jed says he hopes God bestows true love on her or some crap like that. Get outta here, Jed. Bring out Tyler.
Before they bring Tyler to the stage, Hannah says she’s been grieving the relationship and her feelings haven’t gone away. The crowd goes wild again! Chris Harrison cocks an eyebrow, which is his version of going wild. They bring out Tyler and I’m no body language expert but Hannah and Tyler are definitely still in love and probably gonna make a baby right now on live television.
Tyler says all the right things and they genuinely seem sincere, and then Hannah says her feelings haven’t gone away. And then she says, “I’m just a girl … standing in front of a boy … asking him to love her … even though I broke up with him … on national television.” In all honesty, she asks Tyler out for a drink. OK, I have mixed feelings. Mostly I’m happy because I want Hannah to find love but will this hurt Tyler’s chances of becoming the next Bachelor? Who can say? The show ends with the promise of love hanging in the air and the taste of freedom on my lips. Oh wait, that’s just gin. It took a lot to get through this episode.
See ya next season, suckas!
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 5 (3 women, 2 men)
Drinks Consumed: 10
Engagements That Happened: 1
Engagements That Were Broken: 1
