On this Memorial Day, as America honored the brave lost souls of our armed forces, ABC celebrated those who have no souls at all — behold, a new season of The Bachelorette is upon us! Twenty-eight of America’s meh-iest dudes are descending upon Los Angeles in hopes of winning Becca the Minnesota publicist’s heart. Let’s do the damn thing!
The last time we saw Becca, she was being humiliated on national television by The Douche Who Shall Not Be Named. Do you want to relive it? Does Becca want to relive it? Does all of America want to relive it? Yeah, I thought so.
We flashback to a snot-nosed, sobbing Becca looking through Polaroids of the five minutes she dated Douchebag McRacer. Polaroids? Yes, Polaroids. I assume this decision was a compromise between producers who wanted Becca gazing into a locket à la Little Orphan Annie and those who wanted to see her weeping at the feet of an Arie hologram. But before your tender little heart breaks into a thousand pieces over Becca losing the great love of her life that she knew for 12 days, take solace in the fact that her shame has ended in happiness. She is now the Bachelorette, and she gets to pose in a sparkly sequined gown and pretend to sniff roses in the type of overly elaborate photo shoot typically reserved for romantic comedies where the lead works at a glossy fashion magazine but, like, wants to be taken serious as a real reporter. Becca is redeemed!
Cut to Becca driving a Ferrari and pulling into the Mansion of Deep-Seated Insecurity and Unfulfilled Potential. She’s super nervous about meeting the guys, so let’s bring her girls in! And by “her girls” I mean three women she’s likely never met but is legally obligated to be friends with because they were also on this show. Say hello to Rachel, JoJo and Kaitlyn — three former Bachelorettes who each ended up engaged to a man with taller hair and a tighter V-neck than the last.
The ladies are here to offer wisdom to Becca and to burn some sage in a ritual cleansing of the mansion and Becca’s vajayjay. With the demons exorcised from her house and her lady bits, Becca is ready to bedazzle herself and meet her men.
Intros
Donning hairstyles that range from Color Me Badd to Ken Doll to Fabio, the men arrive by limo and do their best to woo Becca with their scintillating wit, ill-fitting suits and hot takes on livestock. Some highlights:
- A blockhead Lego man in human form who does Chris Farley impersonations and arrives in a minivan filled with soccer balls and car seats to prove to Becca what a terrible and basic husband he could someday become
- A 26-year-old fashion model from Florida. (Try to think of a worse combination in a man, I dare you)
- Midwest Wells Adams who owns a grocery store
- Musical Wells Adams who plays the banjo
- A “colognoisseur” who wants to “blow Becca’s nose away”
- THE DUDE WHO CREATED VENMO! (Or maybe helped design the app?)
- A stuntman whose greatest feat was stealing Kenny G’s hair
- A man-bun that shows up with a cardboard cutout of The Douche Who Shall Not Be Named
- A social media participant. Is this a job? I’m pretty sure I’m already doing it. Where do I collect my check?
- A venture capitalist who shows up in a chicken suit
- An ox who shows up carrying a man on his back
- A former Harlem Globetrotter!!!!!!
- A church choir that sings a hymn about accepting a rose and taking it to heaven. Jesus, will you accept my final rose?
- A dude with a Harry Potter tattoo that’s not properly translated
- A man who jumps out of a hearse because he “literally died” when he heard Becca was the Bachelorette. Bummed that death didn’t stick.
Becca is loving their “good energy,” and it just goes to show you how awful The Douche was that, by comparison, these guys seem pretty cool. Connor, a fitness trainer who looks like he could be starring in Jersey Boys, is the first to steal her away, and he sabres a bottle of Champagne. Five-point deduction for wasting perfectly good Champagne. Clay — one of two professional football players in the running — takes her to play with some clay. Get it? ‘Cause his name’s Clay. He seems very dorky but I do not hate him. Yet. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Christon, the Harlem Globetrotter, teaches her to spin a basketball on her finger and then dunks OVER HER HEAD, and at least seven dudes decide they’d rather date him than Becca.
Jean Blanc — a man who taught her to say, “Let’s do the damn thing,” in French — presents her with a poem that he had etched into a candle lid because that’s a thing. Midwest Wells Adams talks about watermelons. Lincoln — the Nigerian prince who first met her on After the Final Rose — gives her a bracelet from Nigeria and asks for her bank account number for a big inheritance she is about to receive. The man dressed as a chicken appropriately teaches her the chicken dance, and Garrett, the human Lego man, teaches her to fly-fish in the pool. What a catch!
Two men who look exactly the same (like former members of the same C-list boy band) and have essentially the same name (Chris and Chase) and are both from the same place (FLORIDA!) get into a fight on night one! Chris doesn’t think Chase is here for the right reasons (oh, snap!) and asks some of the other guys if they think he should confront him. Of course they do! I concur! Confront this total stranger about his motives for dating a girl who is also a total stranger! And do it on national TV! WHAT COULD GO WRONG? When confronted, Chase responds in a very cool way by just throwing his arms up and saying, “Women!” Chase tells Becca all about it, pulls Chris into the conversation and, honestly, who cares? Is she really going to end up with either of these O-Town rejects? Unlikely.
Becca gives the first impression rose to Lego Man Garrett, the minivan-driving Chris Farley impersonator. And then they make out for a minute. I'm sure he won't turn out to be a racist, homophobic Deep State conspiracy theorist.
Rose Ceremony
The sun has risen, so let’s hand out some roses! Becca says some words to these sleep-deprived, drunk dudes and then hands out her roses. They go to Lincoln the Nigerian Prince, Ox-Riding Blake, the French-speaking candle-engraving Jean Blanc, Harlem Globetrotter Christon, NFL player Clay, Jersey Boys Connor, Venmo John, Musical Wells Adams (Brian), Hearse driver Trent, NFL player Colton, David the chicken, Jordan the male model, Kenny G stuntman (Leo), Man-bun Mike and Choir Director Chris, along with some unmemorable men named Rickey, Wills, Jason, Alex and Nick.
That means no roses for Midwest Wells Adams (who was honestly the only remotely decent and likable guy on this show), the Social Media Participant and Not Here for The Right Reasons Chase.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 9 (5 women, 4 men)
Drinks Consumed: 26
Man-buns: 2
Men without socks: At least 5 (I stopped counting after that because it was too painful)
Times “Let’s Do the Damn Thing” was said: 9
