This week’s episode of The BacheloretteS has everything: Stretched-out cars! Fake movies! A bowling grandpa! A baby meatball! Public humiliation! And so many tears you will be certain that someone died! Keep reading to find out everything you missed.
While the bros are bro-ing out at the Bachelor McMansion, the BacheloretteS are drinking coffee in silky robes on a balcony discussing which guys are into them. Brunette Gabby feels like the guys that are still on the fence — after literally two days of knowing them — are “kinda sketch.” If there’s one thing I know about men, it’s that they are incapable of being attracted to more than one beautiful woman at once, so these ladies are in luck. I’m sure this is all going to work out well for them in the end.
JPalm shows up to the Mansion to let the guys know that there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date this week.
Rachel’s One-on-One Date
Zach — a man no one in our viewing party has ever seen before — gets the one-on-one date with Rachel. A limo picks him up, and he’s absolutely bowled over to see this freakishly long car in the driveway. How’d they stretch that car out so long? It’s like God himself reached down from heaven to turn a regular old Chrysler into a divine Chrysler. A true miracle in our midst. Zach meets up with Rachel and she takes him to meet Karamo from Queer Eye!! OK, I love me some Karamo, but based on that hideous dress that Rachel is wearing and the fact that Zach is in a T-shirt and basketball shorts, ABC should’ve hired Tanny to style them for this date.
Meanwhile, Brunette Gabby decides to take advantage of the fact that Rachel is away and heads over to the Mansion to hang out with the remaining guys. Now that a lady is among them, the men perform the traditional meathead dating ritual of throwing a football in front of her. Trust me when I tell you that women love that. When given the choice between having a meaningful conversation with a guy they like or watching him throw a ball around with other dudes while completely ignoring her, women are gonna choose that ball toss every time. We can’t help ourselves. It’s what all the great love stories are built on. The guys get so into the pigskin that they ignore Gabby and she leaves in a drunk rage. She paces in front of her infinity pool at sunset and questions whether or not she deserves to be loved. We’ve all been there, hun.
Back on Rachel’s date, Karamo is going to give her and Zach the red carpet treatment for a movie premiere. Oh thank God, they’re going to get new outfits. They try on a bunch of dumb outfits and then put on an OK outfit, so I guess that’s what they’re wearing to see The Rise of Gru. JK they’re actually seeing a “film” called Me & You. They walk a red carpet where a bunch of paid actors who appear to have never held a camera before pretend to take photos of them. ABC should’ve hired actors older than 22 to play these “photographers” so they’d know how to use an old-timey device called a camera. Kids, you’ll never believe this, but cameras used to exist separately from a phone and they were the size of a boombox. You don’t know what a boombox is? It was a separate device used to play music that required a recorded — you know what? Never mind.
Rachel and Zach walk into an empty theater and the “film” starts, and it’s just a slideshow of photos of them from their childhood. They both cry, presumably because they’ll never be young and carefree again, and kiss. They continue to bond over groundbreaking things like the fact that they both have moms and they both like their moms and they both think airplanes are cool. Clearly their love was written in the stars, so they dance on the stage, make out for a while, and Rachel gives him a rose. Despite the fact that their entire interaction feels like two robots programmed to “first date” setting, Rachel continues to sob because she is either insanely drunk or deeply deprived of human interaction.
Gabby’s One-on-One Date
E-Rich gets the date card for Gabby. When Gabby shows up to meet E-Rich, her Grandpa John is there too. Honestly, 30 seconds into this date and I’m already in love with Grandpa John, and I think Rachel should give him a rose. The trio shows up at a spa tent next to a cliff for a sound ritual. Nothing more romantic than a spa day with a potential suitor and your grandpa. Grandpa John is so bored that he falls asleep, and honestly, same.
Later that afternoon, they all go bowling and Gabby finds a random old lady who is definitely a plant to join them for a game. They bowl, Gabby and E-Rich make out, and then they ditch Gramps and go have a romantic dinner in a random yard with a bunch of chandeliers hanging over the grass. Quite frankly, I’d rather watch Grandpa John and Random Old Lady have a romantic dinner. Gabby and E-Rich talk about their families, and Rachel opens up about the pain of being estranged from her mom. She gets quite emotional so she leaves dinner to cry with a producer and agonizes again over whether or not she’s too hard to love. Baby girl, I'm beginning to think you should've chosen to go to therapy instead of on a national television show to work out your self-worth issues. She returns to the table and E-Rich handles it well for an electronic version of a man named Rich. She gives him the rose and they kiss by a roaring fire. The mulleted man lives to see another day.
Group Date
Blond Rachel and Brunette Gabby show up in wedding dresses from David’s Bridal for a group date. They pose for photos with photographer Franco — who I am 1,000 percent convinced is Chris Kattan as Mango — before the guys show up and find out they’re on a Photo Shoot Date. Show of hands: How many of you have been on a first date where you posed in funny costumes for a photo shoot? No one? Seriously? How sad for you. I’ve been on dozens.
I have no idea what the “theme” of this photo shoot is because these guys are in some weird-ass costumes. Tarzan Jacon is given a leaf, but he’s OK with it because he has “two switches: on and more on.” I can attest that he is, in fact, currently on the moron setting. Kirk is in a full-body cast because sure.
A handful of men are wearing Daisy Dukes and sleeveless flannel shirts for either a “sexy” car wash photo or a Nashville Bachelorette Party photo. Aven is dressed as a pregnant patient who gives birth to Baby Meatball because OK. Rachel is a “badass pilot” in one photo, while a man struggles with his life preserver, and Gabby is a doctor while absolute chaos ensues. Meanwhile, every “photo” that is displayed on the screen looks like it was taken by an intoxicated toddler. What is actually happening here?!
Afterward, the group goes to SoFi Stadium, which is a stadium where professional sports happen. The men are fans of the professional sports so they are thrilled to be on holy ground. Rachel and Aven play football on the field and make out in the end zone. She then makes out with a blond man and follows that up with a steamy makeout sesh with Tino (the guy she gave her first impression rose to). Get it, Rachel.
Meanwhile, Gabby sits down with a guy who tells her that he’s into Rachel. Then she sits down with Grocery Store Joe 2.0, and he hits her with the wallop that he’s also more into Rachel because he finds Gabby a little “rough around the edges.” Screw you, Grocery Store Joe 2.0! Then, Tarzan Jacob gives her the knockout punch that he’s into Rachel too, even though he finds Gabby “smokin’.” What? Even the Tarzan guy doesn’t want to date you? That’s gotta hurt. Gabby is wounded for sure, but she takes solace in the fact that surely Rachel is experiencing a similar situation. Let’s check in with Rachel, shall we? She’s making out with her fifth guy of the night! Damn, girl, monkeypox is on the prowl — careful, friend.
The group gathers, and Rachel decides to give her rose to someone that makes her feel “really safe and seen.” She gives the rose to End Zone Makeout Pal Aven. Gabby tells the group that tonight has been so hard that she can’t give a rose out. Rachel is shocked, but once she hears what happened, she is ready to kick some asses, and I respect that. (You know that deep down she’s thrilled though, right? I’m sure that won’t bite her in the ass at all.)
Rose Ceremony
The men gather for the cocktail party, and JPalm shows up to tell them that the cocktail party is canceled. Oh, here we go, WOKE culture has canceled everything that is good and holy in the world, and now they’ve gone after a cocktail party. What’s next, WOKE MEDIA? Are you going to tell me that WOMEN are EQUAL to MEN? Get outta here!
Understandably, the men are devastated by the news. How will they find love without cocktail parties? Cocktail parties are the foundation for healthy, meaningful, lasting relationships. What are couples supposed to build their relationships on? Trust? Honesty? Morals? Gross.
I’m gonna start calling JPalm Enola Gay because he’s about to drop another bomb — from this point on, the ladies want to continue on their own separate journeys and want the men to choose which girl they want to date. Tonight, each woman will offer a rose to the men they want to keep dating and it’s up to the men to decide if they want to accept or not. Zach, E-Rich and Aven already have roses. Gabby and Rachel alternate who they offer roses to throughout the Rose Ceremony.
Brunette Gabby gives roses to: Nate (love him!), Johnny (never seen this guy), Spencer (looks like a Spencer), Jason (would love to accept the rose), Mario (cute but never seen him before), Kirk (no clue), Quincey (drama stirrer last week) and Michael (pretty sure he just showed up tonight).
Blond Rachel gives (or attempts to give) roses to: Tino (first impression rose), Logan (he made out with both girls last week), Termayne (DECLINES THE ROSE BECAUSE HE HAS A DEEPER CONNECTION WITH GABBY! RACHEL LOSES THE ROSE BECAUSE IT IS TAINTED BY HEARTBREAK!), Alec (HE REJECTS THE ROSE BECAUSE HE LIKES GABBY MORE! RACHEL LOSES THE ROSE BECAUSE IT WILTS IN THE FACE OF REJECTION!), Tyler (he says absolutely, THANK GOD), Ethan (says yes, thank you Jesus), Jordan (never seen him), Meatball (he turns it down — how are you going to be rejected by a man named Meatball?!?!), and Grocery Store 2.0 Hayden (he says absolutely — you better say absolutely, you jackass, after you broke Gabby’s heart by calling her “rough around the edges”).
Meatball, Termayne, Tarzan Jacob and Another Man are leaving. Gabby has nine guys waiting for her, and Rachel has six guys. But, in a cliffhanger that literally no one cares about, Meatball begs Rachel for a second chance. Will Meatball roll into next week’s episode or will he be ground into a pulp? He tried to pull one pasta Rachel, but I bet he’d give a penne for her thoughts now.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 11 (4 women, 5 men, 2 kids)
Drinks Consumed: 24
Guys Who Rejected Gabby Privately on the Group Date: 3
Guys Who Rejected Rachel Publicly in the Rose Ceremony: 3
