Welcome to day 1,084 of Quarantine. There is a new television program airing called The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart. It’s about a bunch of untalented wannabe singer-songwriters moving into a mansion and trying to find love while also doing bad karaoke together. In a pre-quarantine world you would’ve seen this preview, scoffed and said, “Thanks but no thanks, ABC, I have plans! I have a life! I’m going to exit my house and do literally anything else but watch this show!” But now leaving your house and doing literally anything else is forbidden. That’s right — the coronavirus wasn’t just a hoax to arrest Tom Hanks and Oprah. It was also a big ruse to force you to watch this show. Well, buckle up, folks, because we’re in it together and there’s no turning back now!
Chris Harrison starts this train-wreck of a TV experiment by telling the audience, “Love is at the center of all we do.” LOL OK CHRIS HARRISON. He then doubles down and says ABC came up with this show because of A Star Is Born. Wut? Did they watch that movie until the end? Maybe not the best model for a relationship. Chris asks, “Will a shared love of music lead to a love that is shared forever?” Hahaha, this is the best/worst thing ABC has ever aired. Let me tell you something I’ve learned about musicians, Chris Harrison — they love themselves far too much to make room for anyone else, so that’s gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Intro
It’s time to meet some of the contestants vying for love and also a chance to sing on national television. I bet they are all here for the Right Reasons. Four of them are from Nashville. I'm sure they will represent the best of our city. Some highlights:
-Brendan is a 34-year-old former soldier playing his guitar in the center of an empty Bicentennial Mall as all Nashville musicians do. I would like to point out this was filmed before the quarantine. People could've been around him; they just chose not to be. Brendan wants to find “the one.” At 34 years old, by this show’s standards, he is practically dead. Good luck finding the love of your life at the retirement home Chris Harrison is about to stick you in.
-Bri is from Utah and has a ton of nieces and nephews because she’s prolly Mormon. She was engaged a year and a half ago but he “got scared” prolly because she’s Mormon and she might want to have a job instead of 28 kids. She’s hoping to meet a guy that plays guitar. Definitely the most important quality to look for in a potential mate.
-Sheridan is 27 and he’s from Austin. He has a flowing mane of hair and he’s already got two loves: his Debbie Gibson hats and his Subaru named Sheila.
-Becca is 25, from D.C., loves musical theater, talks to herself in a mirror and feels she deserves to have love “thrust upon" her. Yikes, I hope love asks for consent first.
-Gabe is a 28-year-old man from Houston. He’s a sports guy BUT HE PLAYS CELLO! He’s, like, multifaceted. Also he’s a Christian. Also he is cute.
-Savannah is a 25-year-old yoga instructor from Nashville. She’s a free spirit and wild child and hot, but, like, mean hot.
-Jamie is 21 years old and is twirling around on 12th South outside of Bartaco as you do when you’re 21 years old and just moved to Nashville 18 minutes ago. Go on and pose along that Draper James mural, honey. Oh, god, she just did. She says she’s never had luck in relationships, likely because she’s a child but also maybe because she’s terrible?
First Night
Jamie is the first to arrive to the mansion and she immediately sings a very bad rendition of “Listen to Your Heart,” a song that was released more than a decade before she was born. Shades, the drummer of The Oneders, arrives and immediately finds Jamie cute. Of course you do, Shades — she’s a hot teenager! Jamie asks The Oneders drummer (his name is Ryan) to tell her a good memory from his childhood and he mentions having seizures and needing brain surgery. Sounds super fun!
Meanwhile, Savannah, the sexy bad-girl yoga instructor, arrives. You know she’s a bad girl because she’s wearing leather pants (in California) and she says she’s not here to play games! She then says if she was looking for just another pretty face, she’d find someone from her modeling agency. Humblebrag. I, too, get sick of all the fellas I meet at my modeling agency. Strong jawlines and chiseled abs are so 2019. Gimme a doughy boy who won’t die too quickly in the impending famine, that's what I say.
Chris Harrison is greeting everyone outside of the mansion like he’s the Bachelor and seriously, why isn’t he the Bachelor by now? A lot of guys are into Jamie, the Nashville preteen. And she, as a preteen, is certain that every single one of them is probably the love of her life. I am confident she will make smart decisions for the duration of this show. God, I hope she got her Belmont diploma before signing her contract.
Rudi, a 24-year-old hot mess from L.A. by way of Texas, is going to be television gold. She’s super into Matt because he has the biggest arms in the house. It’s important to have values. I personally value big arms above all else.
Michael Todd — what a 3D printer would produce if you typed in “make me a generic boy-band robot” — arrives and within the first hour he bursts into song (it’s bad), he beatboxes (it’s bad) and he tries to kiss a girl who is clearly not into him (it’s bad). I hope no one pushes him into the pool or he’s gonna malfunction and start a fire.
The cocktail party continues and it is just a parade of the worst of every musician stereotype you can imagine. We’ve got douchey country bro. We’ve got trashy Lower Broad bar singers. We’ve got boy-band wannabes. We’ve got pretentious Americana hipsters. We’ve got Ryan Seacrest’s son. It’s too much.
Once everyone has arrived, Chris welcomes the gang and reminds them that the most important thing is music fame social media stardom love. There are 12 men and eight women to start with so the men gotta get hustlin’ to con these women into believing they have a “connection” so they can stay on this TV show for another week. As one virtual viewing-party attendee notes: “It’s probably for the best that John Prine died before this happened.” Not wrong. Also, rest in peace, John.
These overly coiffed girls are very excited about holding the power this week. They sneak into a private room and have a good old-fashioned gabfest about which guys they want to bone make music with before returning to the cocktail party.
UNPRECEDENTED NIGHT ONE HOT TUB ACTION!! It’s Rudi and Matt (the man with the big arms) and he’s all, “Do you judge a guy about how he kisses? Should we kiss so you can tell…?” Meanwhile, the Nashville Preteen is making out with Shades from the Oneders and I don’t know why but I’m rooting for this guy. She likes Shades/Ryan but she’s also vibing with Trevor, because they, like, bonded over their love of A Star Is Born. Wait … is this show a promo for A Star Is Born? Does ABC know it came out over a year ago? Is it just now starting to stream this week? Trevor goes all in and invites the Nashville Preteen to the hot tub. Wow — two hot tubs in one night. This is historic.
The next morning, everyone wakes up to Some Guy singing at the piano with Some Girl. Can you even imagine how annoying it would be to live in a house with 20 people who think they’re musically talented? Every morning, it would be like, [hums to get the right note, holds one hand to ear], “Pass me the CheerioooooooooOOOOOOooooos.” The first date card arrives and it goes to Ryan (aka Shades from The Oneders). He asks Jamie, the Nashville Preteen, and she says yes.
Ryan’s Date
Ryan chooses Jamie for the first one-on-one date of the season and they take a limo to Capitol Records, and these two are freaking out as much as two people who have absolutely no connection to the music industry would. They go to a studio to work with a Famous Producer who worked with John Mayer. The chance to sing John Mayer makes Ryan “feel like a schoolgirl.” Coincidentally, he’s on a date with a schoolgirl.
They record the song together and Ryan is legitimately good enough to front a ’60s one-hit-wonder rock band but Jamie, the Nashville Preteen, was maybe chosen to be on this show more for her hotness than her vocal prowess. They drink Champagne (is she old enough for that?) and make out on the roof of the label, reveling in the high that only comes from recording someone else’s song. I know what it’s like. When I was 10 years old, I once recorded a heartbreaking rendition of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” in a weird little recording booth in Put-in-Bay, an island in the middle of Lake Erie. Still waiting on that record deal to materialize, or at the very least for MC Skat Kat to send me a letter of adoration.
Matt’s Date
Matt gets the second date card of the season and it says — and this is not a joke — “Choose a woman who could be your jam.” Matt has a quick chat with Mel, a girl with purple hair that I haven’t seen before, and Rudi, the girl he flirted with in the Historic First Night Hot Tub. Ultimately he asks Mel out and she says yes. Rudi is sad and starts spreading all kinds of hot goss about Matt around the house. Much to my chagrin, no one makes jam.
Matt and Mel wander into the common area of an upscale apartment complex (?) and stumble upon a private concert from 2007’s hottest band, the Plain White-T’s! They are far more excited than they should be. And 30 seconds later, this date is over. Wait, what…
Rose Ceremony
It’s time for the first Rose Ceremony. They start with a cocktail party so the menfolk can try to woo the womenfolk. A man with a perm sings a song he wrote for a woman (guys, I can’t remember their names at this point) and if you thought female musicians would be more discerning about shitty music, you are wrong. The robot programmed to be a Boy-Band Rock Star also sings a terrible song and a woman swoons. The Nashville Preteen is torn between The Oneders’ Shades and a Poor Man’s Jed Wyatt (Trevor). Come on, you tween — this is not a hard choice. Shades is obviously the better option here. But the Tween makes out with Poor Man’s Jed Wyatt and cries because it’s, like, so confusing and life is, like, so hard, and she, like, doesn’t want to live with regrets. Oh, honey, you already have a heart tattoo on your hand — many more regrets are coming for you, child.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. There are eight women — at least four of which I’ve never laid eyes on — and they’re about to hand out roses. Chris Harrison’s last piece of advice? Listen to your heart! LOL OK Chris. Based on some of the action I've seen, plenty of these ladies are listening to their loins.
Savannah gives out the first rose to Brendan. Who? Exactly. They get roses and leave immediately. OK. Purple-haired Mel gives her rose to Gabe. I approve of this since Gabe is the only one I think might be decent. Rando Girl gives a rose to Rando Man. Honestly, I don’t know their names and Chris Harrison isn’t even bothering to introduce them. Another Rando Girl gives a rose to another Rando Man. Cheynne (never seen her) gives her rose to Matt, the large-armed bro that screwed over two different women. Julia has two choices — the bald man or the man with gorgeous flowing Samson-esque locks — and ultimately she chooses the flowing locks of glory and gives her rose to Sheridan. Jamie, the dumb preteen from Nashville, ultimately gives her rose to Poor Man's Jed Wyatt (Trevor) instead of Shades (Ryan). Stupid preteen. Rudi has the last rose of the night and she gives it to … dramatic pause … SHADES!! Thank God, the Oneders live another day!!
By the Numbers
Virtual Viewing Party Guests: 11 (5 women, 5 men, 1 toddler)
Drinks Consumed: 19
Nashville Contestants: 4
Dates centering around mid-2000s singers/bands: 2
