Disgruntled pageant queens! Community theater pirates! Instagram life coaches! Are these the results of the world’s saddest career aptitude test? No, they’re the subjects of another episode of The Bachelor.
Papa Harrison shows up to the Mansion for a therapy session with the ladies, and I bet he’d like nothing more than for these girls to lie down on the couch and unload all of their burdens on him. There are still about 20 girls left in this competition and I can’t remember anything about them, but I guarantee 100% of them would stand in line to take a selfie at the angel wings mural in the Gulch and honestly, what more do you need to know about them?
The women have been competing for the heart of Colton, a generic All-American male in a toothpaste commercial, for three days and they are feeling the stress of televised dating. They confide in Dr. Chris B. Harrison that there have been high highs and low lows on this 72-hour journey of love.
“There are highs, there are lows, that’s the way it is with love,” says the very sage television dating show host. Since he said 13 words — about eight more than is typically required of him on each episode — Chris waits around for a $100,000 bonus check. Meanwhile, the ladies are in a tizzy because they just got a date card saying Colton is “looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Chlamydia?
Group Date
The group date hasn’t even started yet and there’s already pageant drama! What a treat for us all. Heather, Hannah B. (Miss Alabama), Katie, Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi and Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) put on their most professional sports bras and head to what I assume is a middle school production of a pirate play starring Colton. The girls are going to have to go through pirate training and see if they can rescue Captain Whitebread from walking the plank or something. So pointless. You know Colton isn’t gonna appreciate all that booty anyway.
Miss Alabama shows her crazyass pageant diva during the very common pirate activity of jousting, but the scuttlebutt is that she’d like to give the old heave-ho to her arch-nemesis Miss North Carolina. Blimey! Methinks she’d like to make shark bait out of the old hornswaggling scallywag — give her a flogging and send her down to Davy Jones’ locker, me matey. Dead men tell no tales, after all. Shiver me timbers!
“I didn’t come here to compete in another pageant,” said Miss Alabama, and, um, what is this show if not the world’s worst pageant? Miss North Carolina is victorious over Miss Alabama yet again (she also beat her in the Miss USA competition, a very important part of their Dramatic Pageant Backstory) and is chosen to compete (perform?) in this horrendous community theater production of Captain Whitebread and the Curse of the Raven-Haired Cougar. Miss North Carolina saves Colton — but does nothing to rescue the rest of us forced to endure this — and they kiss. Miss Alabama is SPIRALING!
The gang goes to a cocktail party that night in an antiques store (?) and Colton is wearing his dressiest henley shirt. We have to endure a lot of awkward conversations where Colton says something and the woman repeats it in a state of total shock. Colton: “You were having fun today.” Girl: “Ohmygod I was having fun tonight!” Colton: “We have a lot in common.” Girl: “Ohmygod we do have a lot in common.” It is riveting.
Drunk Demi argues with several girls, mostly about how they are old and she is great, before she steals Colton away for some white-girl S&M. She blindfolds him and spanks him and then caresses his body with a severed hand. This is only, like, the fourth most disturbing thing on this episode. Colton is really into Miss North Carolina and they make out, and Miss Alabama is “befumbled” by it all. She pulls Colton aside and tells him that he needs to watch out for Miss North Carolina but she doesn’t actually say why and she delivers her whole speech with a permagrin like she just spread Vaseline on her teeth. Colton pulls Miss North Carolina aside to confront her about it and she also doesn’t really say anything but she cries while saying nothing so Colton gives her a rose. I think we all know the best way to settle this feud once and for all — swimsuit competition!
One-on-One Date
Elyse gets a one-on-one date and despite being 31 years old, she manages to get through the day without needing her walker or oxygen tank. The date card says something about things that go in the air, so the only topic she and Colton have to talk about in the limo is things that go in the air. Hot air balloons! Kites! Birds! Clouds! Are they riding on clouds?? No, they are taking a helicopter (never saw that one coming) to San Diego to an amusement park they have all to themselves. But wait! There are children joining them! Are we about to find out that Colton’s virginity is a sham and these are all his illegitimate children? No. They are just sick kids from Colton’s charity and they are hanging out on the date. They go on rides, play games and eat ice cream sundaes. All in all this date actually seems pretty good, minus the kids.
That night, Colton and Elyse have dinner on what looks like an abandoned set of Beauty and the Beast, and Colton asks some deep questions like “Why are you the way that you are?”
After Elyse tells Colton why she is the way that she is (her sister died, it was very sad), they go to a private concert by Tenille Arts. I actually know who this person is, only because she provided the soundtrack for another awkward televised date and makeout sesh on this show last year and my coworker Stephen Elliott did some very good investigative journalism about it.
Group Date
Hey! We haven’t seen Colton shirtless lately to distract us from the fact that he completely lacks a personality, so let’s watch him snap some big ropes around. It’s time for another group date with Tayshai, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole and Caitlin. The date card said, “For every strong man, there’s an even stronger woman,” but before you start thinking this will be a date focused on strength of character, the ladies rush out of the party bus looking like a United Colors of Lululemon ad. They run to greet Colton and there is a slight breach of etiquette when Onyeka gives him a leg wrap hug right out of the gate. Bold move!
The ladies will be spending the afternoon trying to do chin-ups in front of Terry and Rebecca Crews and competing in an obstacle course. Wow. What a super fun, totally awesome date. Exercise! In front of an audience! Yay!
The corpse of Fred Williard is back to serve as commentator with Chris Harrison. The women have to flip giant tires and pull limos, typical first date stuff, and Onyeka wins a very crappy trophy to acknowledge that she is the fittest of all the aspiring Instagram life coaches. Onyeka is happy to win the trophy but she really wishes she just knew what was in Colton’s head. Not much, honey. Not much.
At the cocktail party, Colton makes out with a bunch of women, refers to one as “quorky” (THE WORD IS QUIRKY!), allows Onyeka to have one bite of chocolate cake (but not a bite more because he can’t be married to some heifer that weighs over 105 lbs.) and then sits down with Caitlyn, and y’all, I’ve never seen this girl before but this conversation is ROUGH. A sample of their chat …
Colton: Tell me what makes you you.
Caitlyn: Um, I can’t think of anything in my life that actually relates to that.
Colton: What do you want in life?
Caitlyn: Someone to have a silly night with.
Colton: …
Caitlyn: I’m happy to elaborate more on the silliness that I seek.
Colton: What are you looking for in life?
Caitlyn: The perfect lipgloss!
Colton is very uncomfortable being around people that actually make him look and feel smart so he sends her packing. The group date rose goes to Nicole, who compared their Crossfit workout to her grandmother fleeing the persecution of a Cuban dictator.
Cocktail party
The girls are freaking out because nothing is scarier in life than a girl going home one day earlier than intended. Chris Harrison shows up to the mansion to rattle some cages by telling the ladies that there will be no cocktail party. After a 3-minute dramatic pause while every girl sees her dreams of Instagram fame flash before her eyes, Chris announces there will be a pool party instead.
Cocktail party Pool party
Oh god, it’s been 15 minutes since we’ve seen Colton’s pecs. Everyone is realizing he’s a moron. Give us the abs, Chris Harrison! There is a sunscreen montage, and the palest member of our viewing party applauds these preventative measures.
When a bikini-clad Miss Alabama sees Colton talk to a bikini-clad Miss North Carolina, she (Miss Alabama) tells us she’s about to unleash “the beautiful monster” within. Yes, we’re still in this pageant drama. Get comfy. This is our life now.
Miss North Carolina, who seemingly is the lesser of the two evil beauty queens, tells Colton that Miss Alabama is toxic, manipulative, deceitful and awful, but, like, ya know, keep being positive and form your own opinions, Colton. He goes to Miss Alabama and tells her that he’s hung up on the words “toxic” and “manipulative.” I think he is hung up on them because he does not know what they mean. Three letters or less, ladies! How many times do I have to tell you?
Rose Ceremony
There is TENSION and there are jumpsuits aplenty as the rose ceremony arrives. Nicole, Elyse and Miss North Carolina already have roses. New roses go to Hannah G., Tayshia, Katie, Cassie, Kirpa, Sydney, Demi, Tracy, Courtney, Heather and Onyeka. There is only one rose left. Will it go to one of the random blondes who have only gotten a combined four minutes of screen time this season or will it go to our resident pageant shit-stirrer Hannah B.? The stress of it all! Colton gives the final rose of the night to Miss Alabama/Hannah B.
Crikey, Bri the fake Aussie is going home, along with Catherine the Pomeranian Princess and One More Girl. Miss Alabama has an emotional breakdown about how she doesn’t deserve all of this drama that she brought on herself. Tune in next week for the talent portion of the competition to find out if Miss North Carolina gets impaled by a baton.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 15 (8 men, 6 women and a toddler who asked me very sweetly for a brownie so he got one)
Drinks Consumed: 28
Beauty Queens on This Show: 2
Minutes Occupied With Beauty Queen Drama: 118
