It’s been roughly 90 minutes since The Bachelorette ended, so naturally it’s time to start this whole emotional(ly unstable) roller coaster again with a new season of The Bachelor. For the first time in 13 years (yes, this show is older than 13 years old, even if some of the contestants aren’t), this year’s lead did not compete on a previous season. Matt James, who is also the first Black Bachelor in the franchise history, was supposed to be a contestant on Clare/Tayshia’s hybrid season of The Bachelorette last fall, but when it was delayed due to COVID, he ended up being recast as the Bachelor.
Matt is famous for being hot online and for hanging out with his famously hot friend (and former Bachelorette contestant), Tyler Cameron. Things we know about Matt James: 1) he is hot, 2) he has hot friends, 3) he is good at being hot on Instagram, 4) he has abs so breathtakingly marvelous, they look fake. Things we don’t know about him: 1) does he have a personality, and if so, is it cool? Time will tell, but if all else fails, I am pleased to report that the aforementioned abs are definitely engaging enough to get us through the next couple months, even if his personality is a total dud (and, let’s be honest, I’m worried that he’s way too hot to be even remotely interesting).
Like Clarayshia’s season, Matt’s entire season will be taking place at the same location. They’re filming at the Nemacolin resort because everyone knows that if you’re looking for a sturdy woman to make your wife, the best place to go is Pennsylvania. It's truly one of the most romantic places on earth. That’s why they call it the Paris of the Rust Belt.
The girls mask up and head to the resort to quarantine and get tested (for COVID … and probably some other stuff) before meeting Matt. We get to see a lot of intro videos awkwardly filmed in the hotel hallway. Hey, there’s a ballerina en pointe ... in the hallway! Hey, there’s a marketing professional talking about marketing … in the hallway! Hey, there’s a blogger being ditzy … in the hallway! Very exciting stuff.
Intros
It’s time for Matt to meet the women. But first, he wants to have a fireside chat with Chris to get some pointers. It seems like a tall, handsome, chiseled-abbed Instagram god like Matt wouldn’t need dating advice from a divorced, middle-aged B-list TV host, but what do I know? Fortunately, Chris is a fountain of wisdom and basically tells Matt to be very emotional. I am 100 percent confident that advice will not help him in love but will absolutely make this season more enjoyable for us, so thank you, Chris. Matt opens up about his concerns about being the first Black Bachelor and how the audience might react to him and who he ultimately chooses. It’s a heartfelt and sincere moment — a rarity for this show — and I genuinely appreciate Matt’s vulnerability. No joke there. I mean it. OK, enough earnestness, the first limo is about to arrive so let’s make fun of some ladies! All in all, Matt has 32 women vying for his heart, including:
-Sarah, a 24-year-old broadcast journalist turned caregiver for her father (who is battling ALS). Sarah is pretty and nice and seems normal. Weird.
-Chelsea, a spectacularly gorgeous runway model who is almost as tall as Matt. (He is 6’5”.)
-Sydney (28, marketing specialist), our lone representative from Nashville who tells Matt he is the hottest man she’s ever seen before. Be cool, Sydney.
-Alana, a photographer who Lady and the Tramps him with a long spaghetti noodle right after meeting him.
-Kaili, a 26-year-old hostess, who shows up in lacy lingerie because she just couldn’t choose which dress to wear and really needs Matt’s help. He thinks it’s “so brave” that she showed up in her bra and panties. Yes, so very brave. Heroic even. I’m confident Trump will be awarding her the Presidential Medal of Freedom any day now.
-MJ, a 23-year-old hairstylist, who arrives in a pizza delivery car and then proceeds to lock herself out of said pizza car before she can actually get to the pizza, but ultimately prevails and gives Matt the pizza because “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
-Kit, the 21-year-old daughter of fashion designer Cynthia Rowley whose job description is “fashion entrepreneur” (LOL OK) but who is 100 percent a real-life Serena van der Woodsen and arrives in a Bentley.
-Katie, a 29-year-old marketing specialist, who brings Matt a special gift that helped her get through the challenges of the pandemic: a vibrator. “It’s sparkly,” she says. “It’s dressed for the occasion.” When she walks away, Matt calls it a lightsaber. Oh, you beautiful buffoon.
-Victoria, who arrives on a palanquin carried by four men and introduces herself by saying, “I’m Victoria ... like the queen.” She’s wearing a tiara and gives Matt a crown, and then proceeds to fall up the stairs.
There are so many women and so many absurd introductions that I didn’t even have time to tell you about the woman who arrives wearing goat slippers, the one who throws a large fish at Matt's head or the one who asks “Can I put my balls in your mouth?” and then feeds him the world’s largest meatball.
Cocktail Party
After Matt meets all 32 (!!) women, he heads inside for the cocktail party. The women are waiting with their Champagne for the requisite Bachelor speech, but instead he asks everyone to bow their heads so that he can pray and seek some guidance from the ultimate Bachelor upstairs, JC. Does this guy know how to party or what? Instead of saying “Amen” (or “awomen”), the ladies catcall him for that super sexy shout-out to God. Several girls get teary-eyed because they are so moved by his expression of faith. Either that or they’re disappointed he didn’t lay hands on them. Afterward, they spread out throughout the resort to have one-on-one discipleship meetings conversations, where all the women just gush over how hot Matt is and how obsessed they are with him and how wonderful he seems online. Cringe. Word of advice, ladies: When I met my husband for the first time, I never mentioned his Instagram once and ultimately we ended up married. Granted, social media didn't exist when I met my husband because I am 100, but the advice still stands.
Khaylah, a fellow North Carolinian (that’s where Matt is from) who initially arrived in a pickup truck to drive home the point that she is from the South, doubles down on her Southerness and invites Matt into the bed of her truck for a sweet tea toast. Barf. (Both because this is cheesy and because sweet tea sucks.) Katie, aka Vibrator Girl, uses her “lightsaber” to clink a glass and toasts to “a long, hard night.” Fire Chris, make her the host right now! Kit, aka Gossip Girl, gives Matt an NYC snow globe like this is the final moment of a Lifetime Original Christmas movie titled An Upper East Side Christmas, and she’s interrupted by a drunk Queen Victoria. A few minutes later, the Queen commits the ultimate Bachelor faux pas and steals him for a second time. Off with her head!
Later, Matt chats with Abigail — who is deaf and must rely on reading “his beautiful lips” — and leans in for the first kiss of the night. He then gives her the First Impression Rose, crushing the hopes and dreams of a now very drunk Queen Victoria. Off with his head!
Rose Ceremony
Matt, who still seems incredibly nervous every time he has to speak to the women, gathers them together. He is very anxious, but he tells the camera, “To go places you haven’t been, you have to do things you haven’t done.” This guy is a walking Successories poster. Just when I think he’s about to distribute communion, he passes out roses instead.
Roses go to Bri (first woman out of the limo), Rachael (second woman out of the limo), Runway Model Chelsea, Journalist-turned-Caregiver Sarah, Pizza Delivery Girl MJ, Southern Girl Khaylah, Kristin (an attorney who found him guilty of “being so incredibly fine”), Gossip Girl Kit, Magi (a stunning pharmacist from Ethiopia), Pieper (a girl whose last name is already James; hopefully not a distant cousin), Mari (unmemorable), Illeana (balls in his mouth), Jessenia (only thing memorable is her name), Lingerie Girl Kaili, Marylynn (no clue), two different girls named Serena, Lauren (no idea), Nashville Sydney, Lady and the Tramp Alana, Vibrator Katie, Anna (possibly crazy) and … Queen Victoria. The professional ballerina, who I actually really liked and thought had a good chance, cries as she leaves because Matt is “such a great guy.” She quickly follows that up, by saying, “Even though I didn’t actually get to talk to him, I know he’s a great guy.” And by “great guy,” she clearly means “insanely hot.” I agree, Ballerina. He is such a great guy.
By the Numbers
Total Number of Contestants: 32
Remaining Contestants After Night One: 24
Girls Who Tripped Getting Out of the Limo: 3
Prayers: 2 (one from Matt for guidance, one from me to make this show end)
