In the center of the Bible Belt — where religious shame is common, abstinence-only education reigns and abortions are banned — Nashvillians are doing the deed against all odds.
Valerie Martin, a certified sex therapist at mental health service provider The Gaia Center, helps address people’s struggles with sex — or in many cases, the lack thereof. She sat down with the Scene to share her most potent advice.
Desire Discrepancy: the Most Common Qualm
The most common reason a couple ends up on Martin’s couch is desire discrepancy — one partner simply wants to do it more often than the other. There’s a dual control model of desire, she explains, for which she uses the illustration of a gas pedal and a brake pedal. While sex advice has historically centered on the gas pedal, the bigger problems are in the brake pedal — the environment and other outside stressors.
“Some people don’t need a lot on their gas pedal and they’re ready to go,” Martin tells the Scene. “Maybe they’re more spontaneous. And some people have a very sensitive brake pedal, or there’s relational issues that are like the parking brake is pulled.”
Desire can be a finger trap of sorts, she says. The more you try to pull at it, the more stuck you get.
“Rather than trying to fix desire, if we can orient toward pleasure and connection, then that’s usually the pathway,” she says. “Getting to know what feels good for each of us, and finding ways to connect.”
Addiction to Porn or Sex Leaves Out Nuance
The sex-addiction industry can help some people, but it doesn’t give a full picture, Martin says. Rather than “sex addiction,” the phrase therapists use is “out-of-control sexual behavior.”
“People often in a more conservative area, if they’re doing anything that might seem remotely deviant, their community can just go, ‘Oh, you’re a sex addict. Oh, we understand now — it’s a disease. Oh, you didn’t ask for this.’”
In some cases, people have sexual behaviors that are destructive, which Martin helps address. Out-of-control sexual behavior can be treated as it often stems from trauma, a need for better coping skills or relational issues, she says. It doesn’t mean the person has to identify as a sex addict for the rest of their lives.
Bible Belt Troubles
Martin also helps a lot of clients who grew up within what’s known as purity culture. They were promised a robust sex life as long as they just waited for marriage.
“They waited until marriage, and then they have all these issues in their relationship, and they feel like they’re being punished,” Martin says.
In Nashville — a blue dot in the Bible Belt — lots of people have reframed their approach to the religion they grew up in or left it behind all together. Therapy can bridge the gap between what they know to be true and what they feel in their body, Martin says.
“Intellectually, they’re like, ‘I don’t believe that stuff — I know that stuff isn’t true,’” she says. “But their body grew up believing all of that. It grew up already internalizing the fear, the bracing, the shame.”
Overcoming Boxes and Binaries
Many clients are also up against gender scripts when it comes to sex.
“If we’re using heteronormative examples, well, if a guy doesn’t want to have sex with me at all times, then I must not be desirable, because that’s what they’re supposed to want,” Martin says. “Then, of course, men are dealing with that stereotype that they should want it all the time.”
The LGBTQ community deals with stereotypes too, including terms like “lesbian bed death” — a myth that lesbian couples in committed relationships have less sex than other couples.
“They have, sometimes, their own unique challenges, but in a way, I feel like they’re a little bit less burdened by some of the norms of the cis-hetero patriarchy,” Martin says.
Lack of Education
Sex education should include diversity in sexual orientation and be part of science curriculum, Martin says — not something that depends on a parent’s birds-and-bees talk. For many clients, the lack of education can still contribute to troubles in the bedroom.
“They’re going to grow up with not a lot of knowledge and some inherent sexual shame,” Martin says. “You have these highly functional, capable adults who are embarrassed to ask basic questions about their bodies, and then they might delay treatment for something that’s very treatable, or live in pain that they don’t need to be living in.”
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