Advice King: Should I Plant Autumn-Blooming Flowers?

In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the "Advice King," Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Bluesky and Instagram(@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Likepodcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Dear Advice King, 

Is it worthwhile to plant autumn-blooming bulb flowers?

—Mary Ann in the U.K.

Anything is worthwhile if it makes you happy, Mary Ann. It’s your world too. 

Rich folks don’t own the world. They only seem to. They’ve just lowered tax rates for themselves, bought every major media outlet, and then used those media outlets to promote their drab, depressingly transactional worldview (i.e., “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission”).

And they’ve replaced all the friendly little shops with replicas of those shops where you are greeted by QR codes instead of people. And you have to provide your email address to be able to park in the parking lot of the shop replica. And the few remaining human employees get paid peanuts and are — quite justifiably — mad as hell.  

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Rich folks would say: “Mary Ann, get autumn-blooming bulb flowers that are already blooming, and have someone else stick them in the ground. Pay that person peanuts. Then bet on sports.”

OK that’s the big picture. If you want the, ahem, little picture — whether it’s actually worthwhile to plant autumn-blooming bulb flowers — you should probably write to a gardening column. 

My big-picture advice stands, however. Plant shit. Do taekwondo in the park. Play the zither. Paint the walls of a cave. Smoke weed. Play cards. This is YOUR TIME ON EARTH. You get to do with it what you wish. Do all your favorite things while you can. 

There is one important caveat: If your favorite thing is to create digital payment systems so everyone’s money is virtual and then you can freeze the funds of your political enemies with the flick of a switch, then ... fuck you.  

Your “favorite thing” can’t be a thing that is designed to inhibit the ability of your neighbors to enjoy their favorite thing. Even if their favorite thing is disagreeing with you. 

Here’s a poem about it all, Mary Ann:  

"Autumn-Blooming Bulbs"

I’m one

(an autumn-blooming bulb)

I wasn’t that quick

to catch on 

when I was a kid

I thought I might be a lawyer! 

but it turns out

I’m a damn bulb 

wild and free

and now

that I know my bulb

self  

I’m 

gonna

bloom,

god-dammit 

wherever, and whenever

I please