In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Mr. Advice King — here’s one for you.
Why must we put up with almost every street in this city being dug up in little 4-by-6 areas (or more) to connect water and sewer services for all of the "tall-and-skinnies" being built everywhere? Every plumber hired to do that street cutting and connection has their own way of repairing these obnoxious incursions, and none of them are done correctly and will become a sinkhole in two weeks or less! Can’t Metro enforce an ordinance or charge an extra fee and hire one contractor who knows how to do the job correctly? I’ve never met a plumber who knew anything about street construction, structural design, concrete or asphalt! We deserve better — traffic is bad enough without putting up with this crap!
—Charley in Nashville
Hi Charley! This is the one of the most detailed and passionate — and spectacularly misdirected — questions I’ve ever received. I love it! You say you never met a plumber who knew anything about street construction? Well, Charley, I’m an advice columnist — I’VE NEVER EVEN MET A PLUMBER!
I’m exaggerating a bit. I’m sure I met some plumbers in rehab. But we weren’t talking about plumbing. We were talking about ex-wives, and late nights at the dog track.
Pro tip for people in rehab: The amount of time you spend talking about your ex-wife is inversely proportional to how sober you get.
But seriously, Charley, I don’t know a damn thing about anything practical. I grew up in New Canaan, Conn. No one there knows how to fix anything. They hire people. The only things New Canaan, Conn., people know how to do are skim money from the stock market and golf.
When the stock market crashes, and all the butlers and gardeners quit, everyone in New Canaan will be surrounded by broken things: lawn mowers, Vitamixes, tennis ball machines, stock market manipulators, etc. The engines of their Porsche Cayennes will seize because they’ll put the oil where the windshield wiper fluid goes. It’s gonna rule!
Chris Crofton
What was the question?
Oh yeah, plumbers ruining the streets of Nashville. The streets of Nashville seem to be a free-for-all, Charley. It’s like the Wild West — if Wyatt Earp were a house flipper, and the O.K. Corral were a Publix.
Google has been tearing up the streets for months now. Who invited them? Why do we need Google Fiber? I have the internet already. Also, I think an argument could be made that, uhhhh, if anything, WE COULD USE A LITTLE LESS INTERNET. Also, isn’t Google one of the richest companies in the world? Why are their workers so obviously overworked and underpaid? One of them came to my mom’s door asking for water. No joke.
Please contact your representatives. Please contact Gov. Bill Lee. Please contact Bill Gates. Please enforce antitrust laws. Can you do that for me, Charley?
There is one bright spot in all of this: A sinkhole might swallow Cameron Sexton before he can block $2 billion in federal funding meant for Tennessee schools.
