Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I haven’t been keeping up with the latest television shows. Is there anything you can recommend? I have Netflix, Hulu, Amazon and HBO Max.
—Fred in Florida
Hi Fred! How’s Florida? I’m glad you can’t answer that. Tell Ron DeSantis I said “FUCK YOU.”
It’s been a while since I’ve recommended TV shows! I’m excited! Unfortunately, I am not familiar with any of the streaming services you mentioned. I only have Panasonic Peeks™. All the shows I am going to mention are currently streaming on Panasonic Peeks™.
FUN FACT: I thought Panasonic had gone out of business. Boy was I wrong!
You can sign up for Panasonic Peeks™ at most major carpet stores. They give you a special antenna. I would recommend going to one of the larger carpet stores. I went to a small carpet store and asked about Panasonic Peeks™. They weren’t familiar with the service, and when I explained it, they became extremely agitated. A man with a Bluetooth threw a chai latte on me, and the police came.
Advice King's Semiannual TV Roundup
The Tenors — About a mafia family. Tony Tenor is the patriarch. His wife is named Carmela Tenor. Tony Tenor has to go to a therapist. Produced in Germany exclusively for Panasonic Peeks™, The Tenors stars Helmut and Matilda Richter as Tony and Carmela. The dialogue is in German, with English subtitles.
Keeping Up With the Richters — A reality show about Helmut and Matilda Richter’s family. They have one child, Oliver. Oliver is a social worker who likes documentaries. My favorite episode is the one where Oliver and Matilda hide Helmut’s slippers. Helmut is surprisingly good natured about the whole thing. In German, with English subtitles.
Boardwalk Umpire — Another German production. Helmut Richter stars as an umpire named Fuckhead who controls Atlantic City, N.J., during Prohibition. Fuckhead’s catch phrase is “Du bist raus!” which means “Yer out!”
5 Minute Bride — Produced in Germany, 5 Minute Bride is my favorite reality show on Panasonic Peeks™. Each week a woman has five minutes to decide if she wants to marry a man after seeing a picture of his legs. Matilda Richter hosts.
Stranger Thangs — A nostalgic sci-fi drama featuring Helmut and Matilda Richter. A recent episode of Stranger Thangs featured the 1985 Survivor song “Popular Girl,” which subsequently shot back up the Billboard charts. All roles are dubbed into English by Larry Soap, CFO of Panasonic Peeks™.
Have fun, Fred!
Dear Advice King,
How do I maintain platonic friendships into the years when everyone is married, and any outside male/female friendship seems scandalous?
—Leslie in Nashville
Cut your own hair - in the dark. Wear shoes that are WAY too big for you. Eat lots of onions.
Dear Advice King,
With inflation, I can’t afford to buy organic fruits and vegetables. Is it ok to eat nonorganic?
—Heather in Manhattan
Are you kidding me? I grew up bowling with those open-to-the-public bowling balls and eating french fries with my bare hands in between turns. And I’m fine. [falls down stairs, pants rip exposing bare buttocks]
