Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
What TV shows should I watch? There are so many good ones.
Thanks,
—Tracy in Los Angeles
There sure are, Tracy — there sure as hell are. In fact, if I ever get in a bad mood or stub my toe or something, I remember how lucky I am to be alive at a time when there’s so many good, good, good, good, good, good, good TV shows, and I feel better immediately. I get down on my knees every night and thank Jesus for these good shows. TV. TV! T-fucking-V.
Too much?
ADVICE KING’S ANNUAL TV ROUNDUP™
House Tippers — A bunch of people push over a house at night while everyone is inside it. House Tippers is loosely based on a show called House Flippers, which sounds great but turns out to be about remodeling. My favorite episode of House Tippers is the one where the teenage son falls out the bathroom window into the fish pond while he’s masturbating. [Reality]
Driver's Ed — A comedy about a loveable misfit named Ed (David Schwimmer) who teaches driver’s ed. He has the students drive to Mexico, where he loads the car with drugs. Every episode there’s a mishap with the drugs where they shoot out of the car’s exhaust pipe or something, and Ed throws his hat. Ed has a pet goat named after his ex-wife that eats the asses out of all his pants. When he sees what the goat did to his pants, he throws his hat. [Scripted]
Bottom Chef — Regular people make peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, scrambled eggs, rice, etc. Celebrity judges: The Judds. [Reality]
Rambo Weekly — A weekly series based on the popular Rambo movie franchise. David Schwimmer stars as John Rambo, a Vietnam veteran who is pursued by a small-town sheriff played by Queen Latifah. I love the different hiding spots Rambo uses. In one episode he pops out of the baked beans at a police barbecue! FUN FACT: Schwimmer was badly burned during the filming of the bean scene — he insisted on using hot beans, and they did 22 takes.
Queen Latifah raps the theme song, which she wrote:
“RAMBO, IT’S TOO LATE!
AS I’M ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE!” (repeat)
Bonus: Latifah and Schwimmer actually hate each other in real life because Latifah outbid Schwimmer on a shrubbery assortment at a charity auction. [Scripted]
All the King's Horses — This show is a Game of Thrones-type drama — except it’s about the horses. Not animated, surprisingly. Warning: Adult language, horse dicks. [Scripted]
Flaming Balls — Andy Garcia and Al Pacino star as the patriarchs of feuding fireworks dynasties. Described by critics (favorably) as “The Godfather meets YouTube,” Flaming Balls has something for everybody: sex fireworks, violence fireworks, suspense fireworks and regular fireworks. David Schwimmer plays Blammo, Garcia’s single-fingered “powder man.” [Scripted]
Kitchen Nightmares — Not the one with Gordon Ramsay. I pick this up via satellite from Estonia. Some guy named Valdo Sokk goes to a different failing restaurant each week — just like on the Ramsay show. First he berates the chef — just like on the Ramsay show — but this guy goes a step further and actually kills the chef. A new, presumably better, chef is hired. Sokk comes back to check on HIM a year later. Interestingly, it is never made clear whether Sokk himself has any cooking experience. [Reality]
Cake Boss — Another Estonian spin-off. Some lady bosses around a cake. The cake is always making the lady mad because it won’t listen, because it’s a cake. [Reality]
Ghost Hunters: Chicken Division — About a group of paranormal investigators who can only locate the ghosts of chickens. Includes recordings of pecking when there aren’t any chickens around, grainy pictures of things that look like they could be a chicken, the “phantom feed” phenomenon, etc. [Reality]
Happy viewing, Tracy!
