Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.


 

Dear Advice King,

I'm giving birth to twins in October, and my boyfriend wants to hire a "baby name consultant" to help us choose their monikers. But I thought we could just ask you for free! We want the names to be gender-neutral. Any ideas?

Thanks!

—Elli in Albany, N.Y.

A little about me, Elli: I got a new TV, so I put off writing this column to watch “Norm MacDonald on Morning Shows - Bigger Better Compilation” on YouTube — in 4K! It was a big mistake. Now I’m drinking coffee at 1:17 a.m. Also, a bear threw my garbage cans around last night, and when I went outside to look, I saw a rat walking along my fence. A live, living rat.

FUN FACT: I’d rather fight a million bears than touch one rat.

BABY NAME CONSULTANT?!

If it was any other year in history besides 2021, I would say that you are making this job up. Jesus Christ. Some people are praying for eviction moratoriums, other people are hiring “baby name consultants.” I wonder if there are “dog name consultants.” What if you hired a “dog name consultant” and they recommended "Fido," and you had to pay them $300. That would rule.

Any name can be gender-neutral. Boris, for example. If I met a woman named Boris, I would be thrilled. If it’s twin girls, name them both Boris. If it’s twin boys, name them both Boris. Too Russian, you say? Fair.

I wish I knew a little more about you and your boyfriend’s interests, Elli. Do you guys like big corporations? I’ve always thought "Verizon" would be a great name. Either that or “Roku.” “Halliburton“ and “Lockheed” are good, too. 

Megyn Kelly would definitely name her kids Halliburton and Lockheed: “Hal and Lock are co-captains of the lacrosse team. It’s such a shame about Afghanistan. Why are our mimosas taking so long?”

You might be wondering why I brought up Megyn Kelly, Elli. It’s because her actual children’s names are HILARIOUS. These are her children’s real names: Yates, Yardley and Thatcher. It’s like, OK, we GET IT — you’re a white supremacist. 

I bet she has two poodles named “Anglo” and “Saxon.”

Just for fun: Tucker Carlson’s kids are named Hopie, Buckley, Dorothy and Lillie. I bet he has a mastiff named “George Wallace.”

Enough kidding around. I really do think the future of baby names is corporate, Elli.

Top 10 2021 Advice King Gender-Neutral Baby Names

1) Roomba

2) Freddie Mac

3) Bezos

4) Netflix

5) Exxon

6) Peloton

7) Groupon

8) Facebook Messenger

9) WeWork

10) Theranos

Congratulations! Please let me know what you decide.

 

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