Advice King: Should We Deep-Fry or Spatchcock Our Thanksgiving Turkey?

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com. 

Dear Advice King,

We're debating between deep-frying and spatchcocking our Thanksgiving turkey this year. Which do you recommend?

—Henry in Binghamton, N.Y.

SPATCHCOCKING?!? What the fuck is THAT?!

I don’t think that’s legal. Lemme see ...

Oh, OK. I guess it is legal. I thought it was when you made a cocker spaniel fight a rooster for money. Google says it’s just butterflying the turkey. I still wouldn’t recommend saying it in front of a nun.

My advice? Throw the raw turkey in a pond and let the frogs lick it clean — “Frog Thanksgiving.” At least they’d be grateful.

2021 Americans are some of the most profoundly ungrateful motherfuckers in all of human history. Americans think turkeys are grown by Jeff Bezos in a turkey terrarium. They think turkeys can be conjured by yelling, just like a mocha at Starbucks. 

“WHADDYA MEAN THERE AREN’T ANY TURKEYS?! I HAVE A CREDIT CARD, NOW GIVE ME A GODDAMN TURKEY! WHERE AM I, RUSSIA?! I ALSO NEED 4 GALLONS OF MOCHA.” 

Sir, the supply chain ...

“SUPPLY CHAIN?! AMERICA NEVER USED TO NEED A SUPPLY CHAIN! THE WOKE MOB CANCELED MY GROCERIES!!!”

Americans are a lot of things (misinformed, entitled, jingoistic), but thankful? Not so much.

Here’s a list of some things Americans should be grateful for, but aren’t:

No. 1: The fact that the Native Americans were nice to them: Pilgrims were the original “illegal immigrants.” The Native Americans could have put them in cages, but instead they sat down to dinner with them. 

No. 2: The supply chain: We’re lucky to have one. Did YOU help set it up? 

No. 3: Gas: At any price, it’s a bargain. Do YOU know how to make gas? 

No. 4: Cars: Do YOU know how to make cars? Everyone else in history spent their days either walking or knee-deep in horseshit.

No. 5: Indoor toilets: If someone ripped out all of your plumbing, would YOU know how to put it back? What if there weren’t any toilets at Home Depot? Can YOU make a toilet out of clay? Thanksgiving could just be about the fact that we don’t have to shit outside.

No. 6: Home Depot.

No. 7: Social media: Historically, you could only complain to a couple people at a time about how slow the service at the restaurant where you ate lunch was. Now you can let the WHOLE WORLD know what an ungrateful scumbag you are.

No. 8: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ALIVE AND NOT DEAD. You are alive at the moment. You will die. So will Elon Musk. Get over yourself, Americans.

Get it? We have it GOOD. But we still die. And we probably won’t get the answers we want about the nature of our existence. But stop shuffling embassies around the Middle East trying to “goose” a judgment day. Realize that while our existence is puzzling, there are thousands of generations before us who lived out their apparently meaningless lives gracefully — and there will be many more to come! Don’t let us be remembered as the most narcissistic, ungrateful humans who ever lived. Pull it together, you selfie-taking, manager-asking-for, mocha-chugging imbeciles. Love your goddamn neighbor. 

Let’s be thankful while we still can. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!