Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.

Dear Advice King, 

Starbucks is running out of everything. I’m so used to being able to get what I want, when I want, that I don’t know what to do when I can’t. I yelled at the girl behind the counter. I know it’s not her fault, and I felt awful. If I don’t have a venti mocha every morning I can’t function! Why is this happening? How do you make a venti mocha at home? 

—Peggy in Palm Beach, Fla.

Sounds like you have VENTI problems, Peggy. At least they’re not “Trenta.” Trenta is the largest size at Starbucks. You could baptize a baby in a Trenta. I bet some Starbucks loon has done it. I bet the baby’s name was “Spinach and Feta Wrap.” 

This is a good question, Peggy. It brings up a lot of shit. Uniquely American shit. 

Americans have forgotten that mocha is a thing that somebody has to make and then deliver to Starbucks. Mocha cannot be conjured — even by yelling. Someone has to put mocha in the Starbucks, or it will not be there. Mocha is a substance — not a right. Do you see what I’m saying, Peggy? The Declaration of Independence doesn’t say anything about mocha. 

We need cocoa to make chocolate sauce, Peggy. We get most of it from Africa. It arrives in America via the “supply chain.” Most people in America (including me) do not ever think about this “supply chain,” because it usually runs smoothly: You go to a job you hate and fuck around on Facebook all day, and in return you get a direct deposit every two weeks. You go to Starbucks, put your little plastic bank card into the little plastic card reader, and receive a giant mocha! Then you go home and get on Facebook. Repeat until death or the rapture. OHHHHH SAAAAY CAAAAN YOUUUUU SEEEEEEE … 

The supply chain was interrupted by COVID-19 — which is pretty funny since a ton of Americans think the pandemic was invented by Democrats to mess up Trump’s presidency. (But if that were true, why would it affect the global supply chain? Is the whole globe working for the Democrats? Are African cocoa farmers Democrats?)

The fact is, Americans really don’t acknowledge that other countries exist. Not only do Americans think mocha comes out of the air, they also think America is the WHOLE WORLD. If you think America is the whole world, it’s gotta be pretty hard to get your head around the idea of a “global supply chain.” To you, that just sounds like “American supply chain.” Which means you’re like, “WHERE’S MY FUCKING MOCHA?! IS THE MOCHA TRAIN FROM CINCINNATI DELAYED BECAUSE A DEMOCRAT IS DRIVING IT?!?” 

Americans need a little gratitude in their attitude.

Peggy, YouTube has plenty of instructional videos on how to make a mocha at home, but — and I realize this probably sounds crazy — YOU WILL NEED MOCHA.

Mocha is real. The pandemic is real. The supply chain is real. Other countries are real. You can’t eat a debit card, and you can’t eat a gun.

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