Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
My daughter decided that instead of going to college or getting a job, she wants to become an "influencer." Is this a viable career path?
—Diane in Portland, Ore.
Depends on what you mean by “viable,” Diane. If by “viable” you mean “disheartening” and “dehumanizing,” then yes, it is viable as hell.
For the unusually large contingent of my readers who are over the age of 90, an “influencer” is a person who sells products on social media. Social media is like a tiny TV that you can watch at the bus stop. People on social media want to look attractive, just like when people go on regular-size TV. But If you want to sell products on normal TV, you have to be extra attractive. Same thing goes for bus-stop TV.
I should conduct media seminars.
So, influencers have to have white teeth. White as FUCK. Your daughter will never stop asking you if her teeth look white. And you better know how to say yes, CONVINCINGLY. She’ll study your eyes, Diane. If she suspects that you are lying to make her feel good, she will burn your house down. Influencers don’t play. They have to sell vaping devices and lip gloss, and all they need from YOU right now, you dumb asshole, is REAL TALK ABOUT THEIR FUCKING TEETH.
Influencers are mean as snakes — they are under terrible pressure.
Here is a play to illustrate:
MY DAUGHTER THE INFLUENCER
Interior, suburban home. Mom knocks on her daughter Shelby’s door.
MOM: Shelby, dinner’s ready. I made your fav--
SHELBY: SHUT THE FUCK UP, I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF POSTING.
MOM: Oh you’re at work!
SHELBY: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
MOM: I’m so proud of you.
SHELBY: WHEN I’M DONE POSTING THIS I’M GOING TO SHAVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD.
Mom goes downstairs to the den and destroys the cable box with an ax, thinking it’s a modem.
-The End-
I don’t blame her for wanting to be an influencer, Diane. It looks like a glamorous life. It also looks like “life.” Most kids her age have been raised by iPads. She may see becoming an influencer as a way to work in the environment where she feels most comfortable — a virtual one.
Here’s the bad news:
1) If the internet goes down, she is immediately unemployed.
2) Most influencers get paid in products, not money. You can’t pay rent with bath bombs.
3) Building a big enough audience to even get the, ahem, opportunity to endorse bath bombs will drive your daughter BANANAS. She will have to be on bus-stop TV all day, every day.
4) The way your daughter looks has everything to do with her worth as an influencer, and absolutely nothing to do with her actual worth, as a human being.
My advice? Go on a road trip together, and leave the phones at home. Look at cows. Look at stars. Listen to music. Talk.
