In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
I've been struggling to write a science-fiction book. Every time I sit down to write some of it, I only write a couple paragraphs and feel really embarrassed and shy about it, and then I quit. You wrote a book — how did you do it?
—Chicken Enthusiast in Providence, R.I.
Hi, “Chicken Enthusiast.” I did write a book. It’s called The Advice King Anthology. It’s not a science-fiction book, though. It’s a compilation of my favorite advice columns — columns written for this very publication, the Nashville Scene. It was published by Vanderbilt University Press in 2022.
I grew up in New Canaan, Conn., “Chicken Enthusiast.” The thing that New Canaan, Conn., valued the most was ... lacrosse, for some reason. Lacrosse, money, boats and bragging about the fancy schools your lousy kids got into.
And ... Vanderbilt University is one of those “fancy” schools!
The lacrosse players of New Canaan, Conn., are forced to become money managers in the end, because it turns out there’s no such thing as ... umm, lacrosse jobs. I didn’t want to be a money manager, so I ran away to New York City to start a band. All the lacrosse-players-turned-money-managers told me that I was “blowing it” when I did that. By “blowing it,” they meant that, in their opinion, I was squandering my New Canaan, Conn., birthright. That birthright? Wall Street money, boats and bragging about my lousy kids getting into Vanderbilt University.
I bet you’re like, “Why is this asshole telling me his life story? I wanna know how to write a book!”
I’m telling you this to get you fired up about writing a book! Do you have any idea how satisfying it is to tell “successful” Connecticut people (lacrosse-players-turned-money-launderers) that you — a guy who they think squandered his lousy birthright — wrote a book?! They go crazy. In my case, the icing on the cake is that VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY published it. When I tell them that, they simply can’t get their heads around it. Their eyeballs start shaking. Their ears twitch. Their golf bags explode. I get to watch their worldview (aka everything their status-obsessed parents told them) crumble, in real time.
It’s fun. I recommend it.
WRITE THAT SCI-FI BOOK, Chicken Enthusiast! Don’t be scared. Every time you get scared, listen to the song “Sing” by The Carpenters.
I realize that compiling my favorite advice columns into a book might be slightly easier than writing a science-fiction novel from scratch, so I’m going to write some science-fiction — right now! — as a gesture of good faith:
The Smooth, Steep Planet, by The Advice King
"CHAPTER 1: Frank’s Footing"
Frank tried to keep his footing, but the planet was smooth, and steep. Plus, it was dusty as hell. The giant rats had recently entered hibernation, so Frank could devote his full attention to the escape pod. He was making progress, but he struggled to keep his footing, because the planet was steep, and smooth. It would be three months until the rats emerged. When they did, Frank couldn’t be out on the surface. They were 15 feet tall, carnivorous and — except for the hibernation period — didn’t need sleep. They marauded for nine months out of the year on the steep, smooth planet. These infernal rats had suction cups on their goddamn toes, you see. Frank did not, and he had trouble keeping his footing.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Good luck, “Chicken Enthusiast.”
