In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
What can we learn from the OceanGate submersible disaster? I’ve been watching the hearings this week, and it’s surreal how many times Stockton Rush — the CEO — was warned that this thing was unsafe. Also, if I was going to start my own unsafe submersible company, what should I call it?
—Drew in Asheville, N.C.
I now believe that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will arrive in four poorly designed carbon-fiber submersibles. I’m aware that in another column a long time ago I said that they would be riding pedal taverns, but I’ve changed my mind. Wait. I just changed my mind again: One will be the captain of a leaky submersible, and the other three will be careening down the road in Cybertrucks with stuck accelerator pedals.
While we’re (sort of) on the subject, I think Elon Musk would have sold more of those Cybertrucks if they were called “Cybertruck Lolz.” It would imply that he is self-aware. Which he obviously isn’t. In the age of global warming, being oblivious is a leadership quality.™
Stockton Rush. There couldn’t be a more perfect name for a guy who won’t listen to experts. “Elon Musk” is pretty good, but it has a certain softness. It feels like there’s a chance that an “Elon Musk” might listen to an expert. Maybe — if you caught him at exactly the right moment during an executive ayahuasca ceremony. But STOCKTON RUSH?! No fucking way. A brick wall.
So many experts reportedly told Stockton Rush that his submersible was unsafe. Even experts in his own company. But Stockton was determined to prove them wrong — to be the special boy who is smarter than the experts! STOCKTON RUSH had always known he was destined for greatness. He had to be, with a name like that. With a name like that, you create your own reality.
He reminds me of Elizabeth Holmes and her magic blood-testing box. Just another venture-capital Icarus, flying too close to the sun (Ayn Rand). You’re welcome.
OK, so the moral of the story is, basically, don’t give your child some monumental, insurmountable name that forces them to turn to crime in a futile attempt to live up to it. Don’t project your unaddressed inadequacies onto an innocent infant by naming them “Forbes,” “Madame Curie” or, um, “Ozzy.”
“Elizabeth Holmes” seems benign, I realize — but some kids can’t be helped.™
Now, as far as naming unsavory submersible companies, it would be hard to top “OceanGate” — it’s “Watergate,” for God’s sake! Maybe “Drew’s X-tra Safe Submersibles”?
One more thing, dear readers. If you would like to hear a harrowing story about the risks of mistaking grandiosity for leadership, watch this. It’s a first-person account of Stockton Rush throwing a tantrum while trapped under the bow of the sunken passenger liner Andrea Doria.
