Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
Now that marijuana is practically legal, what should I do? I know you live in California now — what is your experience with modern pot? Do you use it? Does it make your life better?
—Ken in Baton Rouge, La.
I’ve been sober for six years, Ken, so I don’t smoke pot. I used to smoke pot, though — I smoked a lot of pot. I started smoking it in 1986, when it was still a sensible drug. What do I mean when I say it was “sensible”? I mean it didn’t make you feel like a radioactive coconut crab from another galaxy — it just made you like the Dire Straits song “Telegraph Road” more than you probably would normally. So you could hang out, extra-dig Dire Straits for a couple of hours, and have a calzone. Then you could get dressed in normal clothes, and go out to a party.
Have you seen what this current-day super-weed has done to young people? They can’t look you in the eye. They listen to instrumental music because “talking music” frightens them. THEY WEAR PAJAMAS ON AIRPLANES.
If you ask them why, at 28 years old, they are listening to day-spa jams on leaf blower headphones and carrying a backpack filled with gummy bears, they’ll tell you it’s because they have “social anxiety.”
YOU EVER THINK THIS “ANXIETY” MIGHT BE LINKED TO THAT LOW-GRADE PCP PACIFIER YOU’RE HONKING ON, CHIEF? Also: WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE PANIC ATTACK?
Sorry I got so upset, Ken. Truth be told, I’m hamming it up a bit to add excitement to the column. I tried the “new” weed before I got sober. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn’t. When it did? Laser Floyd and a calzone. When it didn’t? Ambulance! Be careful, Bob Marley!
Dear Advice King,
Any good places in town to pick up carpet remnants for a decent price?
—Clancy
Thanks for the question, Clancy. I would say the answer is definitely “yes,” but I need to know where you live.
Dear Advice King,
My rent tripled. A “pedal tavern” ran over my foot. A bachelorette barfed on my dog. Someone painted a mural on me while I was asleep. I’m sick of this “It City” bullshit. Where should I move? What should I do when I get there?
—Over “It” in Nashville
I wonder what the subject matter of the mural was. A hot chicken deejaying?
That sucks about the bachelorette. Bachelorettes barf — that’s what they do. They go “WOOOOOOOO” for about nine hours, and then they get really crabby and start barfing. A bachelorette barfed on the Pope just recently. It was OK because she was super-apologetic. She said “my bad” and everything.
DON’T GET ME STARTED ON PEDAL TAVERNS. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will arrive on four pedal taverns.
I think you should move to Madison, Wisc. I was there just recently, and it’s really nice. Open a vape shop. Call it “Vape Canaveral,” and thank me later.
