Advice King Flashback: What's a Bored Carney to Do?

In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.

Hello, weirdos. I figure we could all use a break from bad news for a minute, so this week I’m dipping into the extensive archive of advice columns from the 1970s. I wrote for a daily newspaper in Cincinnati back then — The Cincinnati Intercom. My column was co-sponsored by Peavey and Culligan. Enjoy, and hang in there!

Love, Chris.

"Bored Carny," originally published in The Cincinnati Intercom, March 4, 1978

Dear Advice King,

I’m a Ferris wheel operator. It’s a good job, with benefits. I have a decent-size ranch-style home, and a company car. The company car might sound unusual, but there’s a lot of competition on the Cincinnati carnival scene these days. There are 12 carnivals operating full-time here. There aren’t enough Ferris wheel operators to fill all the slots, so they have to give extra perks to entice the ride operators. Anyway, I’m happy, but I get so bored when I’m off work. Is there anything to do besides roller disco in this area? I moved here from Delaware, and out there I’d clam dig, and smoke those little cigars. But I stopped smoking, and the clams here are too small (river clams). I don’t like the Reds or Bengals. I only like the Delaware teams. I’d go to the carnival, but, you know, I already work there. Sorry the question is so long. I love your column. I have a Peavey amp in my garage! And my mom has Culligan machines. What do they do? Oh, also, I’m 19. Oh shoot, I almost forgot. Do you have any ideas of what I can do while the ride is running? Right now I’m just using one of those hand-strengthening things — you know, the ones with the plastic handles that you squeeze? It’s to help my soloing. I play an Ibanez “Reaper.” Have you heard of that? 

Thanks,

Onion

The Delaware teams?! 

Thanks for the question, Onion. You don’t have to tell me the carnival scene is booming in Cincinnati. I can’t walk 10 feet without ending up on a midway. Between the carnivals and the Culligan trucks it’s a wonder I can make it home to MY spacious ranch house. Or go to the dentist! I have great dental coverage from the newspaper. I’m not sure what Culligan machines do. Something to do with the water, is all I know. I just pay the bill. It’s no big deal, I make a living wage.

I’m not familiar with the Ibanez “Reaper,” and I’m pretty familiar with the axes Ibanez has been turning out. I play a B.C. Rich “Murderer.”

By the way, Onion, I’ve been writing for The Intercom since 1963, and living in Cincinnati since 1918, and I’ve never ONCE heard of river clams. Are you sure you don’t mean Skyline Chili?

OK, advice. Between carnivals, bowling alleys, REO Speedwagon concerts, tropical fish stores, Skee-ball and putting up wallpaper, you can’t find anything to do except roller skate? Have you tried switching up what you drink? Take a week off from beer, maybe. Have you heard of Champale? Sometimes when I’m feeling down I’ll do a week where I only drink Golden Cadillacs. It livens things up. I still smoke, of course, which is a great way to pass the time. Why did you quit? Just curious.