Advice King

Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com. 


Dear Advice King,

I divorced my husband a couple of years ago, and now I want to get back into dating. But dating apps seem to be the only way anybody does it anymore. I hate the apps and don't want to go on any. What are other ways I can find interesting people out in the world?

—Robin in Minneapolis

 

Great timing! I just got on a dating app. It’s called “Hinge.” I was on another app called “OkCupid” a few years back. It didn’t go so well. I named myself “GordsGold.” 

You can read about it here.

Any chance you can get back together with that person you divorced? How much of a jerk was he? Did he cheat on you? Or was it something more mundane, like he talked about The Shawshank Redemption too much? 

I only mention this because dating sucks, and perhaps hearing someone you KNOW talk about The Shawshank Redemption isn’t so bad when compared to meeting a complete stranger at the front door of the reptile house next Tuesday. That’s right, a zoo date. Just like the ones in your 20s. Except now it’s with a twice-divorced, 420-friendly, agnostic golf pro named Derek. Do you really want to go back to the zoo? The animals are 20 years older, Robin. What if the meerkats recognize you?™

I described your imaginary date Derek as “agnostic” because on the dating app “Hinge,” lots of people describe themselves as agnostic. Nothing wrong with that. I’m agnostic. However, it did cross my mind that when you say that, you are essentially admitting to a fear of commitment, which could be seen as a HUGE RED FLAG on a dating site. 

In order to avoid this perception, my Hinge profile says I’m a Jesus freak.

I’m listening to Neil Diamond sing “September Morn” right now, Robin. Ol’ Neil would know what to do. His Hinge bio would RULE: “International pop superstar seeks woman who is good at polo.”

He would probably be on JDate.

Anyway, I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet and get on an app. I’m trying to think of an alternative. The gym? The supermarket? People are always saying that those are good places to meet people — but how? How, in the year 2021, would you not seem like a psychopath hitting on someone at a supermarket? 

“I NOTICED YOU ARE BUYING HUMMUS.” 

“Um, yes I am.”

“DOES HUMMUS NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED?”

“I think so, yes.”

“SOMETIMES PEOPLE LEAVE IT OUT A LONG TIME THOUGH, AND IT STILL TASTES OK. YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?”

“What do you want?”

“DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A PARK AND EAT HUMMUS SOMETIME? I’M NOT DANGEROUS, I SWEAR.”

“My wife is in the ice cream aisle.”

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