Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
How do you get over a breakup? Me and my girlfriend of three years just broke up. I’m 38. I like to kayak.
—Bert in Knoxville
Wow. Bert? I don’t think I’ve ever met a Bert. Is that your real name? I guess that’s irrelevant, “Bert.”
Sorry about that. Bert is a fine fake name, and I hope you and your probably fictional ex-girlfriend are doing OK. What’s her name? Ophelia?
Speaking of “Ophelia,” you know what I don’t like, Bert? Americana songs that have wacky old-time women’s names in them just to make them seem more Americana-y. I don’t believe any of these modern-day banjo boys know people named “Gladys Sue.”
Can you tell I’m delaying, Bert? Who the fuck knows how to get over a breakup? I’m glad you like to kayak, though. I don’t know why you mentioned it in this question, but I’m glad you like it. This question is like, half question, half OkCupid bio.*
“BERT” OkCupid Bio:
“Hi, my name is Bert. I am 38. I like to kayak.”
That’s a pretty good bio, actually — it’s much better than mine was. I joined OkCupid a couple of years ago. When you join, you have to create a “dating profile,” and you have to give yourself a fake name. A good OkCupid name for you, Bert, would be “KayakKrazy.”
I named myself “GordsGold.”
Gord’s Gold is the title of a 1975 Gordon Lightfoot greatest-hits album. Looking back on it, I don’t think I really wanted any dates. Naming myself “GordsGold” in a 2017 dating profile was perhaps the most naked act of self-sabotage I have ever engaged in — and self-sabotage is my goddamn wheelhouse, so that’s really saying something. It’s the equivalent of a woman calling herself “CrazyCatLady.” And it gets worse. In my bio, I said I liked “vinyl records” and “going to thrift stores.” I was 47 when I wrote that bio. Do you know what a 47-year-old woman on a dating app wants to do? I’m not entirely sure, but I can guarantee you it’s not “go to thrift stores” with a guy who calls himself “GordsGold.” As far as I can tell, most 47-year-old women on dating apps want to “travel” and “taste wine.”
I think there should be a dating app for 47-year-olds who only have $200 — IGuessSoCupid™.
My real recommendation for you, 38-year-old Bert, is to kayak your ass off. Exercise helps to alleviate depression. Maybe join a kayaking club. Are there kayaking clubs? I wouldn’t know. I’m too busy looking for love in the vinyl section of the Salvation Army. Sample opening line: “Do you like Gene Pitney?”**
*For my elderly readers: “OkCupid” is a dating “app.” An “app” is a service, basically. You can see pictures of the people, and read a little biography of them, just like if you were using a dating service.
**For my younger readers: Gene Pitney was a 1960s pop singer. His records are often found in thrift stores.
