The winner...
You are so Nashville if...
you never meant to stay here this long.
—Robert Jetton, First Place
About the Winner
Robert Jetton moved to Nashville from Ft. Worth, Texas. He and his band, Panther City, arrived in town on Aug. 16, 1977—the day Elvis Presley died.
“Heck, I only meant to stay here a year,” Jetton says. “Of course, I fell in love with Nashville. Man, I love this town.”
Jetton’s band began getting gigs, a lot of which involved backing up Marshall Chapman. Eight years ago, Jetton married a Nashville native. They bought a nice old house on Central Avenue, where, he says, “I can honestly say I love my neighbors.”
The 39-year-old Jetton describes himself as a “freelance artist and songwriter/musician—like a million others here in town.” He says he’s seen several different Nashville migratory cycles. “For a while, it was all Texans coming here, now it’s all Californians and New Yorkers. Once they get here, they don’t leave.”
For his first-place entry, Jetton receives $250 in cash.
Runners-up
...you look at the pictures of the Gay Pride Parade to see if you know anybody.
—John Baskett, Second Place
...you’re wondering when Byron Trauger is up for re-election.
—Randy Johnson, Third Place
From Left: Jody Faison, entrepreneur and eatery-empire builder, owner of Faison's, Iguana, 12th and Porter, Cafe 123, and now — all by himself — Jules. (Will we have to start calling it Jody's?) Mrs. Rotier Her first name is Evelyn, but who would dare use it? By the time you reach the cash register at Rotier's, Mrs. R. has already split up the tab. She doesn't even have to ask questions, she already knows. Mary Carrethers At Mary's the hickory smoke billows forth, filling the air with temptation. The pork barbeque is piled high on standard-issue white bread. This is how Wonder Bread got its name. Paula Ropp We got to know her at Mack's; then she moved on to Rotier's. Now Paula's taking orders — and giving them — at Pancake Pantry, where she's already as much of a fixture as the legendary Joyce. Hey, guy, you call this a tip? Randy Rathburn His Sunset Grill stays open long after sunset — a daring move in Nashville — but Randy certainly isn't suffering. At his tables, deals are made and hearts are broken. But it's in his back room that all the best fundraisers begin. Photographed by Tim Campbell in the parking lot at Mary's Pit Bar-B-Q on Jefferson Street.
The others
...you’re excited to see Turko’s face on a milk carton, but you’re upset when you find out he’s not missing.
—Gavin Matlock
...none of your friends want your backstage passes to Fan Fair.
—Baxter Buck
...you vote for Bill Boner.
—Dianne Gregory
...the man who wallpapered your office wrote a song that’s on The Beatles’ Live From the BBC album.
—Suzanne Schwalb
HONORABLE MENTION
...you go to a society party and meet Goober.
—Richard Headen
...you only vote in an election with a pro sports referendum.
—Phillip Cargile
...you think using a turn signal drains too much power from your car battery.
—Larry Rumsey
...your women friends confide that they’ve screened potential boyfriends by asking them if they’ve been to Talledega.
—Suzanne Schwalb
...you yield right of way to a pedestrian and expect to be thanked.
—K. Peel
HONORABLE MENTION
...you’re grateful that Becker’s now takes checks.
—Laurie S. Hilbert
From left: Tony Brown, MCA mogul, well-dressed man, best possible connection to Vince. Elise Loehr, former sommelier (sommelieuse?), Rique client, best possible connection to Tony Brown. Chuck Bader, our man in vodka, king of Absolut, party source (does anyone here remember Jack Daniels?). Elizabeth Scokin, former Arkansan, ubiquitous photographee, source of envy. Mario Ferrari, friend of Bud Adams, yachtsman, and — we almost forgot — restauranteur. Slick Lawson, photographer, jambalaya meister, sometimes royalist. Anne and Teddy Clayton, scions of the party bloodline (her from the Sperry's Thomases, him from the fox-trotting Claytons), costume renters, but, goodness knows, never the last to leave. Photographed by Slick Lawson.
...you’ve redecorated your trailer so you can rent it out as a bed & breakfast during the Olympics.
—Gavin Matlock
...you think you are out really late because the traffic lights are blinking yellow.
—Geneva Brignolo
...you can name seven of the original 100 Oaks stores.
—Kathy Frost
HONORABLE MENTION
...you dread Adam.
Jan Bell
...you think Brad Schmitt is a gifted journalist.
—Larry Ramsey
...you’d actually consider Bill Boner again.
—Gavin Matlock
...you think that’s Bud Adams’ natural hair.
—T.R. Carter
...you never had sinus problems until you moved here from another state.
—Pamela Lanius-Reynolds
HONORABLE MENTION
...you confess to your husband that you’re having an affair and
he wants to know if Mr. Kates is catering.
—Pat Wilson
Drue Smith Sunglasses for all seasons. Cherry-red hair for Valentine's Day. Somehow, subtlety is not quite the right word. Friend of Ned. Available for your next PR firm open house. On Capitol Hill, she's a fixture. Laugh if you must, but don't be decieved. This is the Power Clown. Photographed by Helen Burrus on Whitland Avenue.
...you believe that Jesus turned the water into grape juice.
—M. Duncan Currey
...you grew up in Davidson County but you now live in Williamson.
—Kathy Frost
...you think the Gerst Haus should be declared a historical site so it won’t be demolished for the new stadium.
—John Baskett
...you hope the Baptists boycott Opryland so the lines won’t be so damn long.
—Terry Robertson
HONORABLE MENTION
...you can use the word “demo” as a verb.
—Rachel Tubman
...you write your best song lyrics on the back of detox unit brochures.
—M. Duncan Currey
...you know the plural of “y’all”: “All y’all.”
—Tory Sally
...your local bookstore has a better collection than your main library.
—Mory Montgomery
...you’re nice to everyone, even if they are going to hell.
—Terry Robertson
From left: A.J. Levy Suit and tie sort of guy. Haberdasher supreme. You do want cuffs on these, don't you? Katy K. Kicky, but still country. Kitty Wells on a Really Strange Hair Day. You don't know people who dress like this? Don't worry. They probably don't know you. Najib Tammy needs to have a few things taken in. No problem. Can this be ready in time for the Swan? No problem. You mean someone else already bought one for the ASCAP party? Well, I do think I've seen these bugles before. Manuel New-age nudie. He knows that a little beadwork — in just the right places — can make even Marty Stuart look tall. Still rockin' in his own right. Calvin Klein he is not. Photographed by Eric England.
HONORABLE MENTION
...you know where BR5-49’s name comes from.
—Robin Lawrence
...you have an arena with no hockey team and a football team with no stadium.
—Mary Ann Liden
...you don’t read the Nashville Scene because you think it’s a gay and lesbian publication.
—Tony Fisher
...you take the cellular to church—with the ringer on.
—Cecilia Eppinger
...you worry more about the fate of the Gerst Haus than you do about that thing over in Bosnia.
—Eric Davis
HONORABLE MENTION
...you call in your own name to Catherine Darnell’s “Restaurant Rounds.”
—Deborah Beasley
...you did not vote “yes” for the stadium because you “don’t want Nashville to change,” but you’re going to vote for Bill Boner for because you believe he’s a changed man.
—Tony Binion
...Mayor Bredesen provided tax money for you to move here.
—Randy Johnson
...Tanya Tucker’s husband cuts your lawn.
—Adam Dread
From left: Alyne Massey There was a time when she helped write the Banner's society column, but she's moved on. Now she belongs to Suzy, where her name turns up in boldface. It also turns up at the Vanderbilt Law Library, where it's carved in stone. Clare Armistead Don't let the wide eyes fool you. This woman is not just here to party. She is here to raise bucks. Big bucks. But she also knows the facts of life: You have to give if you want to recieve. Jane Dudley Local girl makes good — very good. Out of Parmer School and on to the American Embassy in Copenhagen. Back in town, she starts the Swan Ball. Cheekwood is grateful. So is Nashville Tent and Awning. Lil Granberry Keeping the list also means keeping the gate. Even at a party of 800, Lil knows, there's not room for everybody. Unfortunately, no in-town guests. Herbert Fox Nfocus editor and available man. When Princess Margaret came to town, Herbert got the call. Of course, he was available, and once again a table was squared. Boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl. It makes for a busy life. Photographed by Dee Davis at Belle Meade Country Club.
HONORABLE MENTION
...your stylist lists hair colors as “Reba,” “Shania,” and “Faith.”
—Robin Lawrence
...you only know where you are in ’05 or ’15.
—Billy Webb
...you park in a lot where there used to be a historic building.
—Randy Johnson
...you secretly listen to country music.
—C. Dean Hughes
...you’ve played chicken with the General Jackson Riverboat.
—Denise Volz
HONORABLE MENTION
...you keep a gun in your golf bag and a seven-iron in your gun rack.
—Chris Chamberlain
...you’ve attended first offenders’ traffic school more than once.
—Mary Herron
...you’ve ever even seen World News Extra.
—Randy Johnson
...a clerk at Kroger tells you that you can find lox in the hardware aisle.
—Candace Asher
...you think Trilogy restaurant must be a meat and two.
—R.F. Smith
HONORABLE MENTION
...you’re just discovering bagels.
—Pam Orlando
...your best pick-up line is, “Hey, wanna get together and write?”
—Coco Daniel
...you voted for Olive Garden as Best Italian Restaurant.
—Linda Hancock
...you can’t believe you have to pay for parking downtown.
—Josh Wells
...you put a Christmas wreath on the front of your Land Rover at holiday time.
—Carol Milam
HONORABLE MENTION
...you’re wondering if the Bicentennial Mall has a Gap.
—Neil DeWitt
...you think macaroni and cheese is a vegetable.
—Linda Hancock
...you put a “God is my co-pilot” bumper sticker on your car instead of learning to drive.
—Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you’ll wait in line for two hours to eat a plate of pancakes.
—Rachel Yarbrough
...Snow Bird decides when you go Krogering.
—Beverly Bain
HONORABLE MENTION
...your child’s school looks like a trailer park.
—???
...you wear your high school ring instead of your college ring.
—Patsy Curry
...you stand up after every performance, even if it wasn’t very good.
—Meredith Jones
...you pull over to the side of the road and stop for a funeral procession, but not for an ambulance.
—Sandra Mannchen
...you have offspring named Garth or Shania.
—Rachel Yarbrough
HONORABLE MENTION
...last year, you weren’t Nashville enough.
—Robin Lawrence
...you live in Belle Meade, have a net worth of $20 million, and constantly complain that $4.25 an hour is too much to pay the maid.
—David Tidwell
... you’re confused by the ongoing struggle to keep the Nashville Zoo out of Nashville.
—Todd L. Lester
...you took up smoking cigars because Adam Dread says it’s cool.
—Eric Davis
...Buster (at Jimmy Kelly’s), Mrs. Rotier (at Rotier’s), and Paula (at Pancake Pantry) all know you by first name.
—Ronnie Steine
HONORABLE MENTION
...you’ve never actually been to East Nashville, but you just know it’s dangerous.
—Robert Cogswell
... you still don’t get the H.I.V. lane joke (winner of the 1994 “You Are So Nashville If... contest).
—Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...upon hearing news that Krystal was going into bankruptcy, you bought 500 Krystals to put in the freezer.
—David Tidwell
...the bouncer at Robert’s Western Wear knows you personally.
—M. McWhinney
HONORABLE MENTION
...you go out for a home-cooked meal.
Lynn Scarborough
...you can’t find a place to park at Cummins Station.
Tania Owen
...the primary ingredient of the bird nest in your backyard is discarded audio tape.
—Glenn Petach
...you think it’s normal for women to have names like “Peaches” and “Honey.”
—Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you wish Kay West would move back to New York.
—Lisa Schmidt
HONORABLE MENTION
...your favorite ethnic food and barbecue places are all in Green Hills.
—Robert Cogswell
...your divorce settlement includes your Iroquois box seats.
—Patsy Curry
...you own at least one outfit that glitters.
—Robin Lawrence
...you will ONLY buy a house if it’s been inspected by Walter Jowers.
—Rob Biaggi
HONORABLE MENTION
...you claim to love eating sushi but only order California rolls.
—John Baeder
...you can’t pull change out of your pocket without sorting through the guitar picks.
—George Weakley
...you think the folks who line up at Fan Fair are idiots, but you waited in line for eight hours to catch a glimpse of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
—Karen Hill
...you have ever had your hair dyed red by Riqué.
—Beverly Bain
HONORABLE MENTION
...you miss Les Jamison.
—Barry Martin
...you’re planning to chain yourself to the doors of the Gerst Haus when the bulldozers come.
—Chris Chamberlain
...you’re certain that, if Kathie Lee Gifford had stayed a Hee Haw Honey, she wouldn’t be in this mess right now.
—Robin Lawrence
...you go to a brew pub and order a Bud Light.
—Laurence M. Ralston
HONORABLE MENTION
...your society-magazine editor used to write for Hee-Haw.
—Adam Dread
... your children’s address changes during the school year.
—Alex & Kathryn Gorodetzky
...you don’t find it odd to find Paul Harvey on an FM “Cutting Edge of Rock” station.
—Paul Whitfield
—you consider Belle Meade Boulevard a tourist attraction to
show out-of-town guests.
—Candice Ethridge
...you and your wife keep turning the milk carton during breakfast because neither of you wants Turko on your side.
—Rusty Rust
HONORABLE MENTION
...the longest sections in your Yellow Pages are “Churches” and “Escort Services.”
—Gene Stephens
...you think BR5-49 plays all originals.
—Bill Owens
...you first registered to vote while in a sports bar.
—Kathy Wood Robbins
...your children’s first names are someone else’s last names.
—Patsy Curry
....your church has a loading dock.
Jo David & Melissa Keith
HONORABLE MENTION
...you think Drue Smith and Sen. Doug Henry would make a cute couple.
—Denise Volz
... you have no problem with living in a city where 21st Avenue intersects with 31st Avenue.
—Eric Teplitz
...your “historic district” has your city’s newest buildings and businesses.
—D.C. Klein
...you don’t exactly know where Antioch is.
—Patsy Curry
...when asked “Who does your hair?” you reply “The front or the back?”
—Riqué
HONORABLE MENTION
...you smell like Brown’s Diner.
—Dan H. Brawner
...you think that the “crack” problem among berry pickers could be solved with properly fitted trousers and suspenders.
—Kenneth Oliver
...sometime or another in your life, you’ve called Blair Boulevard home.
—Amy Adams
...you still get Christmas cards from Fate Thomas.
—Mack Slayden
HONORABLE MENTION
...you cried when your daughter went away to college—and it was Vanderbilt.
—Bert Knupp
...your preacher thinks the Teddy Bart/Karlen Evins photo is too risqué for a family newspaper.
—Stacy Harris
...in a drunken stupor, you go up to Johny Jackson and ask him how Tito and Jermaine are doing.
—Eric Davis
...you placed a new Bill Boner bumper sticker over your old one.
—Paul & Susie Carmichael
HONORABLE MENTION
...you know somebody who knows somebody.
—Maureen Farley
