I’m sorry to have to ask this: Is Kid Rock the most powerful person in Tennessee?Â
Let’s examine the evidence. Lee Beaman, local marriage aficionado and former car dealership impresario, wants to be on the board of the Tennessee Valley Authority, even though his qualifications for said role, according to Beaman himself, are: “I'm certainly no expert on it, but I feel like I'm a quick learner.”
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OK, time out. I can truly only handle one absurdly funny train of thought at a time, and I’d like to stay focused on Kid Rock. However, I can’t unknow the details of one of Lee Beaman’s messy, high-profile past divorces, and if he’s going to lob them low and slow over the plate by insisting he’s a quick learner, I have to respond, “That’s what she said.” I don’t expect anyone to listen to “Family Tradition” and not shout “to get drunk” at the appropriate spots. I’m not sitting in the back of the movie theater during The Rocky Horror Picture Show trying to stop people from doing the "Time Warp" again. And I expect you all to understand that, whenever I write about Lee Beaman, I’m saying “That’s what she said” every time something can be turned even vaguely sexual. I won’t write it every time I think it, but you should assume it’s there.
Anyway. Here's the other thing you need to know about Lee Beaman. He’s the landlord of some of the men who ostensibly are, supposedly, the most powerful people in the nation. Back in February, ProPublica had a story about how House Speaker Mike Johnson, Pastor Steve Berger and other Republican power players have stayed at or are staying at a home in D.C. that Beaman owns.
Historically, the U.S. speaker of the House is considered one of the most powerful positions in D.C. And though Mike Johnson hasn’t done much this term but send the House of Representatives on an extended paid vacation while farmers suffer and everyone loses their SNAP benefits, he did show that he has the power to bring democracy to a standstill.
But Lee Beaman sat down with the Nashville Business Journal to discuss how he got the nomination, and it turns out it wasn’t his tenant Mike Johnson who secured the gig for him. No. It was Kid Rock. From the NBJ:
Beaman said the musician, who lives in Whites Creek, came to mind as he thought of people who might have Trump's cell number. "I called Bob Ritchie and he said, 'Sure, I'll call him right now!' Twenty minutes later, he called me back and said, 'I just talked with him, and you're in!' " Beaman said.
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Kid Rock has more pull than Mike Johnson. Sit with that for a minute. You ask Kid Rock for a political favor, and 20 minutes later, it’s done. And here’s the thing: Beaman says he also called Marsha Blackburn and a bunch of other politicians. None of them seem able to do this for him.
So what we learn from this story is that there’s a power hierarchy that goes:
- Trump
- Kid Rock
- Marsha Blackburn and other Republican politicians who aren’t Mike Johnson
- Mike Johnson
This is wild. Kid Rock should run for governor. He’s got more rizz than Blackburn, and he’s apparently got more political influence. Tell me you wouldn’t pay good money to watch a competition where Kid Rock and Marsha Blackburn are both tasked with reaching Donald Trump on the phone and seeing who he picks up for. We know already that Kid Rock would win.
Maybe we should all be writing out what we need from Trump and, like, taping it to the walls in Kid Rock’s bar. Maybe Kid Rock will walk by, one will catch his eye, and he’ll make a phone call on the writer’s behalf to talk Trump into it.
Sure, it’s wildly inefficient and hardly a guarantee that your concerns will be heard, but how is that worse than what we have now?
