The late Jerry McCoin, founder and longtime publisher of Athlon football magazines, used to tell a story about how Bear Bryant handled boosters. Jerry's insider tales—like the one about the Texas A&M assistant coach who passed himself off as a male model and began dating the guidance counselor of a coveted high school prospect—were the kind that sounded at least semi-plausible, given the parties involved, but could never be independently confirmed. But they were always good stories.
The Bear, according to McCoin, controlled the allocation of Alabama football season tickets in a way that now seems unimaginable. A booster who got a little too chummy with Bear's players might get only two tickets per game for the next season instead of the usual four. A supporter who got too involved in freelance recruiting might find himself sitting in the end zone of Legion Field the next season instead of his accustomed spot around the 40-yard-line. Publicly second-guess the Bear, and you might find yourself shut out altogether, trying to hustle tickets on some street corner.
Florida's summary execution last week of head coach Ron Zook was a pointed reminder, not unlike a sharp stick in the eye, of how far we've come since the days of the Bayuh's benevolent dictatorship. Nowadays, the monkeys run the zoo. I can only imagine that the old man of the SEC not only is rolling in his grave but also itching to climb out and administer some much needed Ass-Whoopin' Therapy on behalf of beleaguered football coaches.
The proximate cause of Zook's dismissal was Florida's humbling loss two weekends ago to Mississippi State, a team that earlier had lost to, um, Maine (and, er, Vanderbilt).
Two days after the debacle in Starkville, but before the Monday-morning quarterbacks had time to read all the relevant Gator fan blogs, Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley announced that Zook and his entire staff would be gone at season's end.
The Mississippi State loss, of course, merely provided a pretext for Foley (who, if we may digress into the realm of the ad hominem for a moment, looks like one of those fey Eurotrash guys that invariably turn up as villains in movies like Die Hard), to do what had been inevitable ever since it became clear that Zook was not the clone of Steve Spurrier.
In a sense, Foley didn't fire Zook. Gator fans did. The knives were out for Spurrier's successor before he even completed his first season in Gainesville. One fan even launched a Web site, fireronzook.com, not very long after Foley decided to hire Ron Zook.
Every loss that Zook's teams took (14 so far) was measured against Stevie Superior by an impatient booster base that undoubtedly would have dumped Jesus because he puttered around 'till the third day before getting resurrected. With Florida floundering (which, as translated from booster-speak, means not playing for the national title), the athletic director figured he'd better act fast before the mob started up a fire-jeremyfoley.com site and brought a posse after him.
Now you might argue that Zook's teams were more than respectable, especially considering that even the Visor's genius seemed to have faded a little before he jumped to the Washington Redskins three seasons ago. You might note also that three of the Gators' losses this year came in the waning moments; one of them—and let's be honest, fellow Vol rooters—was a theft by incompetent officials. And Zook, whom even his detractors concede is a dynamic recruiter, has reloaded the Florida locker room with serious young talent that will benefit whatever coaching staff comes in next.
Never mind, too—and let's be real, Gator backers, heretical as it may seem—that it ain't exactly a lead-pipe cinch that Spurrier would have lifted UF out of third place in the SEC East. With the albatross of Vince Dooley finally removed from the program's neck, Georgia has made major strides under the league's best young coach, Mark Richt. Tennessee under Phil Fulmer (still, believe it or not, the league's most underappreciated coach) remains right there. Recruiting in the Sunshine State is even fiercer than the presidential campaign.
None of that matters to Gator fans, and, therefore, none of it matters to Foley, the CYA AD. And none of it is unique to Florida.
In fact, it's pretty much the same everywhere that fans have been spoiled for too long by the exceptional success of a football program. It's remarkable how a few lean years can restore a sense of reality among the boosters. In the meantime, however, don't be surprised to see some fires lit under Tyrone Willingham at Notre Dame if the Irish don't win at least eight games this year. Start Googling next year for "fire Bill Callahan" sites if Nebraska loses any more games by 60 points. Even Jim Tressel, who brought the first post-Woody national championship to Ohio State, will hear grumbles in Columbus if the Buckeyes lose to another opponent like Northwestern.
Don't feel too sorry for Zook and the coaches. They knew exactly what they were wading into, and they'll walk out with a thick enough pile of Benjamins to cushion any fall.
Feel sorry instead for us—us out here in the real world who are affected by a gone-amok national culture of instant gratification. If patience is a virtue, we live in the most wicked society since the Mongol Empire.
The same mindset that drives our publicly traded companies to make strategically stupid decisions for the short-term sake of quarterly numbers drives university athletic departments to dump coaches who don't win big in a hurry. As that mindset insidiously pervades more and more of the culture, our daily lives grow more stressed and less enjoyable.
To one extent or another, almost all of us now live in Zookville, a wretched place that would make anyone crazy. I don't know whether we can manage to tear it all down and start over. But I do know that as long as people like Jeremy Foley don't show the guts to play sheriff against the lynch mobs, things will just get nuttier and nuttier.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking about starting my own Web site especially for you slobber-frothing Zook haters and all the rest of you boosters who are all too ready to dump your coaches. Unless the domain name is already taken, look for it at shutthe♦♦♦♦up.com.
