Nashville had its usual cavalcade of overindulgent Broadway-based small-time crime this year. By now, bachelorettes ending up in the clink after too much to drink is a dog-bites-man situation — and for folks in need of the schadenfreude of seeing a mugshot of a mascara-smeared 20-something from New Jersey or a finance bro who got too stupid for Kid Rock’s bar, well, there are websites for that.
Even so, there were plenty of idiotic petty offenses elsewhere in our fair city. Take, for instance, the 35-year-old Springfield man arrested for trying to get into a Vanderbilt football game. On purpose! The fence-hopper didn’t have a ticket, which, given that it was a Vandy game, means he didn’t try all that hard to find one. He then yelled and attempted to headbutt some Commodores fans, who perhaps would have welcomed being knocked out themselves, given that the Black-and-Gold were in the midst of a 56-0 shellacking at the time. Our interloper didn’t see the exciting conclusion himself, being charged with disorderly conduct. Maybe the judge will get creative and force him to watch a full season of Vandy games, the Eighth Amendment be damned.
Closer to the epicenter of idiocy, another 35-year-old (perhaps we should consider raising the age of eligibility for president?) also decided he’d get what he wanted, trespassing laws notwithstanding, when he entered an “audio/visual room” at the Eighth Avenue J.W. Marriott Hotel and purloined multiple bags of potato chips. (You can never eat just one, et cetera and so forth.) After a confrontation with hotel employees — jealously guarding these snacks as the hospitality-employee oath requires — the would-be chip thief shoved a security guard. On his way out the door, he threatened to shoot the security guard and blow up the hotel. (Must have been some luxury-brand chips!) Police caught up to him later and were able to identify him, in part, because of — you guessed it — the two bags of chips in his hand. He’s charged with felony burglary, among other things.
Snacks are important, though! Just ask the 28-year-old teacher’s assistant at Murrell School, arrested after police allegedly found more than 45 grams of marijuana in baggies in a Mason jar in his lunch bag. Well, that’s not accurate. Police didn’t “find” it. Actually, the pot became apparent due to a student who had been placed in the teacher’s lounge to calm down. He did not calm down. He instead took his temper out on the staff’s belongings, including this lunch sack, exposing the jar, the baggies and the goodies within. Teens, amirite!
There’s more than one way to sneak dope into school, though. A 35-year-old (seriously, guys!) Huntsville, Ala., man was toting around 9 ounces of marijuana, plus fentanyl, in the back of a produce truck making stops at various schools in Franklin County. A steely-eyed — OK, sharp-nosed — SRO smelled the pot as the man made his delivery to Sewanee Elementary.
But hey, you do what you gotta do with the vehicle available, right? For example, a 36-year-old man (presumably, he just had his birthday) was discharged from St. Thomas Midtown and — perhaps unwilling to pay Uber surge pricing — stole an ambulance. He was arrested after a short chase.
Never take what’s not yours. Even if it used to be yours. A 28-year-old woman was charged with aggravated burglary after allegedly attempting to steal a dog she freely admitted giving away to new owners six months earlier. The heart wants what it wants.
From legislative lunacy to ‘Insurrection Barbie’ and beyond, here’s our 33rd annual list of bloopers and blunders
