Warped Tour is not real life; attending Warped Tour, the 20-year-strong punk/metal/hardcore-and-the-rest fest, is like playing a virtual reality video game wherein the goal is to see as much as possible without depleting your life sources, which are constantly being threatened by enemies both big and small.
So we wove through the Tennessee State Fairgrounds on Tuesday, looking for the gems that made all our efforts worth it, while powering up on the free promotional candy and dodging obstacles like creepy dudes demanding free hugs and wearing shitty T-shirts that said stuff like, “TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF.” If you can get through the day without heat exhaustion, debt or a broken sense of self-worth, you win! We made it through intact, but it was a very close call.
Most of the day’s early sets, featuring artists we weren’t at all familiar with, were neither good nor bad, and only memorable because the bands chose to play someone else’s songs. Beebs and Her Money Makers, a ska band that wore matching outfits and had a very high confetti budget, covered TLC’s “Waterfalls” and Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball,” dedicating the latter to John Stamos. Me Like Bees, a Modest Mouse/Lumineers hybrid without the indulgent “Hey!” vocals covered Toto. No real threat there.
Allison Weiss
Life sources started to drain, though, when we stumbled upon Blood Brothers wannabes Plague Vendor. They were not good, and the lead singer’s gyrating hips in pants tight enough to cut off our circulation made us uncomfortable. But we regained energy during Allison Weiss’ set, and not just because her performance was in the acoustic tent, giving our skin a reprieve from the sun. She was perfectly aware of her surroundings, knowing her anthemic pop songs — she delivered them solo as opposed to giving them the full-band treatment they have on her records — stood out from the rest of the day’s lineup. “There’s a faint hint of metalcore everywhere you turn at Warped Tour,” she said. “I’d like to rise above the metalcore, if you’re interested in coming with me.” Us too, Allison Weiss. Us too.
Because we don’t support bands with lead singers who were arrested for domestic assault and also write songs about beating up a woman and then telling her that she “better tell the cops that she fell,” we smartly avoided Falling in Reverse’s set, opting instead to watch the fun, pogo-happy pop-punk band Mixtapes. But we did earn extra points earlier in the day for making time to heavily crop-dust the garbage band’s merch tent. It felt like an admirable protest.
Speaking of women-haters, we were actually looking forward to seeing Less Than Jake, as the band was a big part of our adolescence (we, too, daydreamed about telling everyone to fuck off and escaping the small town we grew up in). But while their songs sounded as good as ever, the band’s banter was evidence that they’ve clearly evolved into something less awesome.
Twice singer Chris DeMakes referenced how awful women are because they’re always “bitching.” At the beginning of the set he said Nashville was the only state on Warped Tour where he hadn’t yet hooked up with a girl, and invited any of the ladies in the crowd to change that. Later he asked everyone in the crowd to flip him off because he made the big mistake of getting married three months ago. Man, aren’t women the worst? Unless you’re just using them for sex, of course.
With only about 20 percent of the day’s bands featuring women, it’s not inaccurate to say Warped Tour is a dude party, despite the fact the audience is pretty much a 50-50 ratio. You can’t even buy a shaved ice without facing a dick joke. That’s a bummer, yes, but Warped Tour doesn’t seem interested in changing anything, and that’s their choice. But if you’re not going to book more female artists, it’d be cool if the bands could at least refrain from bashing them from the stage.
And with that, wah-wah-wah, GAME OVER. Self-worth damaged. Return to main menu to play again.
