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Billboard, a now-legendary chart that used to track the popularity of songs through some combination of black magic and bar codes [citation needed], has had an awards show since the long-ago year of 1989, except for the years 2007-2010, when it just didn’t happen at all. This is obviously a very important thing and every artist who has ever won a Billboard Music Award (including those in the defunct categories of Top EDM Artist, Top Alternative Artist, and Top Pop Punk Artist) should be very proud of themselves for being so popular.
Speaking of popularity, Taylor Swift! It is the world premiere of the video to her song “Bad Blood” and it’s got all of her famous friends and they are walking around being pretty and doing sexy fun stuff like fighting and referencing accessible films and wearing neutrals. So many of her friends are models! It’s like when George Michael did “Freedom” except Taylor Swift put herself in the video, too. Used to be world premiere music video events involved Michael Jackson grabbing his junk for 20 minutes or Madonna burning a bunch of crosses, but now it’s just cosplay with besties. SMDH.
The song also has raps.
And here Swift is, out with some of her friends who are in the video. She introduces Van Halen, which is appropriate and normal [citation needed]. Oh, it’s David Lee Roth! Haha. You wanna hear the fucked up thing right now? They all kinda look OK! Or they could look way worse, you know? Eddie Van Halen looks basically like my dad? It’s fine. There is a mosh pit on stage. They do “Panama.” David Lee Roth is wearing Under Armour! Anyway, I would much rather hear “Just a Gigolo.”
Ludacris and Chrissy Teigen are the hosts. Ludacris used to be only just OK-looking, but then he got a haircut and got hot. Teigen is a model and married to John Legend. Tonight they are celebrating “All the artists at the top of the charts,” according to Luda, because who needs celebrating more than the already celebrated? Cheesecake photos of Teigan are presented.
Lily Aldridge and Charli XCX give out the award for Top Duo or Group from Pop, Rock, or Country. That is not a joke! That is the actual category! The winner is One Direction. Harry is my favorite. His hair is long. They also thank Zayn. I am avoiding Twitter until I see Mad Men but I bet it’s going crazy with #trends right now.
Tracee Ellis Ross (who is the daughter of Diana Ross, a fact I did not put together even though she looks like Diana Ross and also has the last name of Ross) and Laverne Cox give out the award for Album? Top Top 200 Album? Most Famous Best-Selling Album? Popular Album? Anyway it is given to 1989, Taylor Swift. She kisses all eight of her absolute best friends in the whole wide world before she goes to the stage. I am now looking at the award itself. I think it is a microphone? Maybe two microphones. A microphone in a corn husk. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Fall Out Boy and Wiz Khalifa sing a song about, I suppose, jerking it to a girl who dances like Uma Thurman. It is literally the theme song to The Munsters. There are a bunch of dancing Umas on stage.
Yeah, I don't get it either, but for a few minutes back in the 1990's, it almost became a catchphrase. Then it kinda didn't.
OK BEST PART, WIZ KHALIFA IS WEARING THE UMA THURMAN BLACK TROUSERS AND WHITE SHIRT IT IS GOOD AND HE LOOKS GOOD IT IS A GOOD LOOK WE SHOULD ALL OWN THAT OUTFIT.
Cut to stone-faced Jennifer Lopez. Perfect. I feel her.
I was looking down and missed who these new people are. They are the two stars of The Bachelorette. Oh, I didn’t know who they were because they are nobodies. “We both love Las Vegas,” one of them says. I bet. They introduce Nick Jonas. Aw shit Nick Jonas’s stage looks pretty fucking baller! It’s all pink and purple and ‘80s and yellow and good lights and lasers and I honestly DGAF what he’s singing right now because this is a real good show! Also there are fireworks! I approve of this stage show and I approve of Nick Jonas. You’ve charmed me, you ab-sporting sonofabitch.
Meghan Trainor and John Legend. It’s a ballad. It’s not good. Everyone politely listened to Trainor and then was happy when John Legend showed up to be a good singer.
The show keeps cutting to this one hard-tittied Vegas broad who is singing along to everything. As far as I can tell, she is not anyone famous. Like way less famous even than the stars of The Bachelorette. Is she the producer’s mistress? I’m guessing yes.
Idina Menzel, a woman whose face I will never recognize, introduces Mariah Carey. “She’s not gonna be fucking around,” my co-viewer correctly assumes. Though I am disappointed she does not perform a medley of her greatest hits, all of which are great hits.
Danica McKellar comes out! That is literally the last person I expected to be here. She brings the award to Top Rap Song. Does the very very famous song by the white girl win? Yes. Igloo Australia and Charli XCX take the thing.
Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson introduce Wiz Khalifa to do a musical tribute to Paul Walker. That’s a sentence I just wrote! It’s a thing that happens! Charlie …Poof? (ed note: Puth) and Lindsey Sterling are also performing. I think Lindsey Sterling is the violinist. The other guy is a piano guy. “Write us a song, you’re the piano guy.” - Willie Jowel. Anyway, this sure is a musical tribute to Paul Walker.
Musical tribute to Paul Walker.
Musical tribute to Paul Walker.
Musical Tribute To Paul Walker.
Celine Dion, who is not letting go of that French-Canadian accent, gives the award for Top Male Artist. “Who’s the whitest one? He’ll win. Ed
Sheeran.” That was my guess. NOPE. It looks like Sam Smith is the whitest one! He won! He’s recovering from vocal surgery, which is probably a bummer for a singer. He has giant cards to give his acceptance speech, which includes sexual objectification of Nicki Minaj! It’s like the third time this has happened! From a gay guy this time.
Taraji P. Henson introduces the cast of Empire to sing songs from the show, because it sold a lot of records. Wonder if ABC is annoyed this is happening instead of the cast of Nashville singing a medley of THEIR songs. (Probably.) Me right now: “So on the show are they brothers? And they are both singers? And also … OK, you know what, interest piqued, I guess I’ll watch.” WELL PLAYED EMPIRE.
Hozzzzzier singing his one song he’s had to sing for like three years now.
One Direction comes out and they give the award for … Best Radio Record. Top Radio Song. Very Played Thing. John Legend wins for “John Legend Ballad.”
Ohhhh my god Lucille is on stage in a single spotlight in memory of B.B. King. I got choked up! Whoever had that idea deserves a raise.
Florida Georgia Line, the nocturnal emission of a 12-year-old Mississippi boy who spikes his hair, introduce Little Big Town, which is like the one "country" group I’ve decided I like over the past two years of covering fifty-four country music awards shows. They sing “Girl Crush,” a good song performed by adults for adults. Faith Hill comes out, too. Remember this?
Haha.
Ellen Pompeo comes out. Is Gray’s Anatomy STILL ON? Holy shit. What next, “Please welcome the star of Ally McBeal?” I mean Jesus Christ. ANYWAY. Top Female Artist! Which white girl does America love most? Y’all know it’s TAYLOR SWIFT. Haha “In the last year I’ve surrounded myself with incredible women,” she says. Just this last year huh?
Miss America 2015 Kira Kazantsev and Fall Out Boy's Milhouse Van Houten give the Billboard award for Top Touring Tourists. One Direction win the award for playing the most shows I think! Based on his body language + face, Harry will be the next one 2 go.
Jennifer Lopez introduces Pitbull (an artist who seems to be relentlessly mocked but is probably not a bad guy) and Chris Brown (a halfway decent musician who is a trashpile and waste of a person) and they prance around on the set of Burn Notice and sing a song.
Zendaya. She’s a young person! A famous young person for the kids. She brings out Ed Sheeran. I went to Dollywood this weekend. Every other little kid there looked like Ed Sheeran. Never seen so many redheaded people in my goddamn life. He does loops and whatever. Like I guess it’s technically impressive stuff but oh man is it ever to dull, dull, dull songs.
Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, and Rita “Stop Trying to Make Fetch Happen” Ora. They give out Hot Top 100 Song of Famousness. Meghan Trainor wins for her song about how dudes want cushion for the pushin’. It’s a positive feminist anthem! I like the part in the song where she is like "Dudes don't wanna fuck Size 2 girls." Taylor Swift is probably a Size 2. Also, like, half the crowd is models. I wonder if they like that song?
Host Teigen takes the show down to the Vegas Strip for Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea. They sing a song and there’s people jumping rope and on bikes and in exercise gear. Haha this song is called “Pretty Girls” and it’s funny to sing this right after “All About That Bass” wins. Like a counterpoint? Haha.
Prince…Royce? He’s a guy. He gives sponsored thing to a person. It doesn’t matter.
“One of the hottest young acts around, Fifth Harmony.” More like I plead the Fifth on knowing who they are! They announce Nikki Minaj with “David [Gehgeh]! Fifth Harmony needs enunciation lessons. Ohhh David Guetta. I’m not entirely convinced this is who that person is, because dude straight up looks like some Eurotrash they pulled up off the Strip.
Ludacris introduces … nope. I’m not writing about a Kia commercial.
Molly Ringwald pops on out and intros Simple Minds and they perform “Don’t You Forget About Me.” Hands up, those who had a crush on Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club!
*raises hand*
Molly Ringwald descends into the crowd and warns Taylor Swift about the drip-dropping passage of the days, weeks, months, years, decades. You turn around and before you know it Ed Sheeran is only a Christmas card friend and you find yourself in your 40s. It happened to Molly. It will happen to Taylor. It will happen to us all.
I’m like three or four beers in.
BTW Jennifer Lopez is singing along to every word of “Don’t You Forget About Me,” looking happy for the first time tonight. I never knew I’d relate to her so much!
Hit…a…tonicks? A thing! I dunno, some male vocal group. They introduce Kelly Clarkson, who is the legit actual for real best. From Ashley to Kelly over here, you know?
Brett Eldredge and Hailee Steinfeld give out the prize for Top Country Artist. Oh I think all the nominees Are Dudes? Haha. Florida Georgia Line are the winners. One of them greased down his hair real good and the other spiked it up real good and they’re gross.
Oscar Winner John Legend. He introduces Imagine Dragons to sing “Stand by Me” in honor of Ben. E. King. Whyyyy can’t John Legend sing it??? He has a nice voice that I don’t hate! These motherfuckers IMMEDIATELY oversell it vocally. It’s bad and not good. Here is a good song.
The stars of the upcoming Entourage movie! Give the award! For Top Artist! To Taylor Swift! Taylor Swift wins the thing! (lt's a good summary of the past many years.)
Kylie Jenner and Kendall Jenner introduce their brother-in-law. Kanye engages in a simulacrum of a televised music performance. Almost the entire song is bleeped! I mean the sound is like gone for like eight seconds at a time. And the lights are too bright and there’s fireworks and you can’t see shit and you can’t hear shit. I mean it turns into a sketch comedy sketch, basically. It is all smoke and then awkward shots to the crowd and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING. Probably looked at sounded great in person, though! Hahahaha what a night, this sure was a Billboard. Happy Billabong Music Awards to one and all. It ends right on the dot. Thanks for the tight show, I guess! C U next year???
