The Country Music Association is a proudly reactionary institution. They advertise this in the “About” section of their website:
“CMA was founded in 1958 in response to the burgeoning popularity of Elvis Presley. Radio stations were switching formats from Country Music to rock ’n’ roll and a group of industry visionaries decided that the collective resources of the entire industry were needed to stem the rising rock tide. CMA was the first trade association formed to promote a genre of music.”
Artist's rendering
It’s hard to think of another organization which has failed in its founding principles so resoundingly. No. 1: Elvis Presley was honored by the organization in 1998. Former executive director Ed Benson said at the time: “Some people may be up in arms about Elvis Presley going into the Hall of Fame, so we want to show why he deserves to be in there. Just about any country music star you ask was influenced by his music and showmanship.”
LOL!
Secondly, and even funnier: The rising rock tide was not even close to stemmed. It swamped every other genre of American popular music from the ’50s to the late ’90s, until rock itself was overtaken by hip-hop as our country’s favorite folk art. Just ask Kid Rock!
To be fair, there are more country radio stations in the U.S. than any other genre. And all across this great land, the sound of Bon Jovi-lite, jukebox-musical rock ’n’ roll (lower case) sells itself as Country Music (capital letters) because, baby, it’s brand-safe. Just ask Gwen Stefani!
Tonight, the Country Music Association continues its tradition as a proudly reactionary institution by kicking off with a tribute to their late “good buddy,” Charlie Daniels. Some Folks perform a medley of his hits like “So Sad I Never Got to Chance to Shake the Hand of the Honorable Mr. Robert E. Lee,” “Alabama Fiddle Demons” and “Alabama Fiddle Demons II.”
Hosts Reba and Darius Rucker take to the stage, in the middle of a supper club from hell. Because the room is nearly empty, none of the jokes really land at all, and just a smattering of chuckles come through over the TV. It’s dire, and this was the moment I regretted agreeing to watch this. It will be a long night. Bobby Bones — the Carson Daly no one cares about — gives Maren Morris Single of the Year for her song “The Bones.” I have no problem with Maren Morris, nor the boudoir lingerie she wore over from her Glamour Shots session.
Morgan Wallen performs, which he did not do on Saturday Night Live. It’s called “I Luv U More Than This List of Things.”
Victoria’s Secret model Taylor Hill has the audacity to claim that Nashville has become one of the most exciting destinations in the world. Taylor — who told you that? “We can’t forget Music City was built on great songs.” OK! She gives Maren Morris Song of the Year for “Bonez.”
Gabby Bear (?) and Charlie Puth, who I believe is some kind of singing vicar, perform a whisper youth song that gets loud. Gabby is dressed like a Power Rangers supervillain.
Eric Church sings. I don’t like this song at all, but I like this one part where the background singer goes like “Wooo-oohh-ooh.” That was nice.
“Beers and Sunshine” is performed by Darius Rucker. He rhymes “finer” and “Carolina.” “The only ‘B.S.’ I need is beers and sunshine!”
Wow. Darius.
What about Bible School? SMDH. Ashley McBryde sings a song!!!!
New York Times bestselling author of Living and Laughing and Loving, Lauren Aikins! “See me with my husband Thomas Rhett!”
She inflects “Thomas Rhett” the same way you’d say “Mary Ann” or “Billy Bob.” Is the stage name “Thomas Rhett” one name, or two? The people (me) need to know.
New Artist of the Year goes to Morgan Wallen! Maybe he’s nice.
Dan Plus Shay Divided by Bieber Times Scooter Braun are at the Hollywood Bowl, doing robot voices over a pop ballad. That’s country, baby.
Luke Combs His Beard. His song, so far, is the rockin’-est and loudest.
Then we get to the real reason we’re all here tonight: The Brands. Jon Pardi tells us all about how The Brands have helped a poor person employed by Jon Pardi, who was unable to help his people earn a living for reasons that definitely don’t exist, and did not kill Joe Diffie, who Pardi performs a tribute to.
Carly Pearce and Charlie Kelly perform a song; I don’t remember this happening.
Dierks Bentley gives Vocal Duo of the Year Dan Plus Shay, the Louis and Lestat of country, out there in black and in the dark in the City of Angels. Stay safe out there boys.
“I’m helping! I’m helping!” shout Reba and Darius Rucker as they perform “In the Ghetto,” after being introduced by CeCe Winans. It’s ostensibly to honor songwriter Mac Davis.
It was a bad idea.
Miranda Lambert sings a song called “Eatin’ Dinner Off 440.” I like it when she does the “oooh-ooh-ooh” thing, too. That’s my crystal-ball prediction: More people will go “Oooh-ooh-ooh” in songs for 2021.
I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure Jimmie Allen performs “Under the Bridge” by the band Red Hot Chili Peppers. Allen’s song even contains the word “California,” which I feel is a deliberate provocation.
Then there’s a thing on Charley Pride.
Then there’s Charley Pride!
They brought an 86-year-old man into a room with heavy-breathing drinkers, in November, during the worst pandemic in a century. Best of luck to all of you.
Chris Stapleton: Wife Guy. Sounds like Siamese Dream-era Smashing Pumpkins. Is this a “Mayonaise” B-side, my dude?
Little Big Town, Midtown, Old Dominion, and Rascal Flatts all win the award for Not Having to Change Your Band Name Due to Racism. “Lady A” (??? who ???) win no prizes for anything. Old Dominion win Vocal Group of the Year.
Ingrid Angers sings, I think, a song about guilting your boyfriend for ever breaking up with you because you have a nuclear family? To the boyfriend, I say this as a feminist: Bitch is crazy. Do NOT meet her family, whatever you do.
Reba sings a song (I have a theory she can only communicate by reading off of teleprompters) and Thomas Rhett strums a guitar with a very expensive-looking custom leather strap.
Jake Owen presents Album of the Year to Luke Combs, What You See Is What You Get: My Big Ginger Beard.
Little Big Town do a tribute to Kenny Rogers, I think?
“Here to rock our world, Brothers Osborne.” Wow — how the hell are they supposed to stem the tide????
“My friends at Crown Royal,” says Reba. BRANDS!
“Forty years ago, Urban Cowboy and its smash soundtrack changed the world.”
But in another, more accurate way, it didn’t.
Old Dominion sing “Lookin’ for Love.”
Maren Morris performs the song she won the awards for: It’s called “The Bones.” I wasn’t really listening (Catching up on Britney news — Do you think dad Jamie is controlling? Sound off in the comments.). But I’m pretty sure it’s about watching renovation shows during lockdown. Which isn’t happening, and doesn’t exist.
Keith Urban
Next performer performs, and it’s Keith Urban. He sings “God Whispered Your Name” which is a deeply hilarious title.
Charles Esten, in an alternate timeline, was cast on a show about a surfer and set up shop in Hawaii. Hits the waves every day. In this timeline, he played a country singer, so he's still here in Nashville. Female Vocalist of the Year goes to Maren Morris.
She proceeds to name-drop Black female country and country-adjacent performers, more than I could hear (no DVR): Rissi Palmer, Linda Martell, Yola, Rhiannon Giddens, Mickey Guyton.
(Maren Morris is basically the only tolerable prominent country star, and this is exactly why.)
Sara Evans awards Male Vocalist of the Year to Luke Combs.
“Holdin’ the Bottle” is sung by Kelsea Ballerini. Maybe it’s “Hole in the Bottle?” IDK.
Eric Church won Entertainer of the Year, because the CMAs embarrassed Garth Brooks, the man who invented Chris Gaines. Think about that!
Church gives a great, heartfelt speech about not being able to entertain. He mentions the loss, including loss of life. He says music will save the world. (Gonna need you to show your work.) (And don’t tempt Darius and Reba again, please.)
“Well that was great, BYE!”
BONUS CONTENT — more from that “About” page I mentioned at the top:
Mission Statement: Heighten the awareness of Country Music and support its on-going growth by recognizing excellence in the genre, serving as a repository for critical and timely information and communication, while providing a forum for industry leadership dialogue toward its goals.
Love to provide a forum for leadership as they dialogue towards its goals.
Vision Statement: CMA is dedicated to bringing the poetry and emotion of Country Music to the world. We will continue the tradition of leadership and professionalism, promoting the music, and recognizing excellence in all its forms. While fostering a spirit of community and sharing, we will respect and encourage creativity and the unique contributions of all. CMA will be a place to have fun and celebrate success. We will take risks, embrace change, and always exceed the expectations of those we serve.
