The Oh Balls! recap is supposed to an irreverent one; a distant, barely educated take on a beloved (or at least televised) country music tradition — the CMA Awards, which go all the way back to the Johnson Administration. The institutional aspects of country music, more than any other art in thrall to industry, like to pretend that music and politics are separate — that their business of making the broadest popular music to the broadest popular (implied white) audience is magically suspended in a vacuum, not only immune to the rest of the world, but the purer for it.
However, tonight, due to much outside cultural pressure, “Women” (as both a feminine construct and biological gender) are being celebrated tonight via whispers of lip service. (Much the same way as “Please, please, God, please don’t murder people with guns” was almost a hot topic for the awards a few years ago, after one mass shooting killed 58 people at a country music festival. A separate mass shooting killed another 12 at a country music bar a year later.)
Smarter journalists and actual country music fans have written far better about the “Women in Country” topic than I can. But let me put it this way: The year is nearly 2020, and country radio is in an algorithmic programming tizzy about whether one is allowed to suffer a witch to live.
So, naturally, the CMAs start with a medley of some of America’s favorite country songs, as performed by women. But notably not the Dixie Chicks — they made many mistakes in the eyes of the industry, including pointing out the aforementioned vacuum isn’t real — even though they wrote one of my favorite songs about why it’s sometimes good to murder men who really, really, have it coming.
OK, the show! The night is hosted by Carrie Underwood, Reba McEntire and Dolly Parton, and they perform “Those Memories of You.” Following them are Jennifer Nettles (who honestly had the song of the year) and the women of Little Big Town singing “You’re Lookin’ at Country,” to honor Loretta Lynn. Tanya Tucker does her own “Delta Dawn,” and what you need to know about that song is that it’s badass and goes hard. I was not raised in a household that appreciated country music, but I was taught to respect “Delta Dawn.”
Gretchen Wilson, “Redneck Woman!” Crystal Gayle, “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue!” Terri Clark, “Better Things to Do!” Sara Evans, “Born to Fly!” Martina McBride, “Independence Day!” (“Independence Day” had a popular music video, wherein an abused woman burns down her house with the abuser still inside. Good stuff!)
Carrie, Reba, and Dolly resume hosting duties, and go through some little jokes. Kacey Musgraves appears transcendently happy to hear a quip about Dolly’s rack. They thank Brad Paisley for going away and not hosting this year. (I offer to punch up the jokes every year — still no takers.)
A Good Morning America anchor and Deanna Carter give Single of the Year to Blake Shelton for “God’s Country,” which appears to be a grunge rock song.
Lil Nas X and Billy Ray Cyrus won Musical Event of the Year, for, of course, “Old Town Road.” And because I guess everyone involved in the production of this event is stupid, spiteful, or has to answer to a stupid or spiteful boss, they do not get to perform “Old Town Road,” one of the handfuls of bright spots in pop culture. Cowards to a one, cowards to the end.
Dan + Shay sing “Speechless,” which is I guess a wedding dance song. Something performed at high school talent shows. Congrats to the orchestra for keeping it tight.
Jennifer Nettles is back, and Kristin Chenoweth is here. Song of the Year is “Beautiful Crazy,” recorded by Luke Combs.
Miranda Lambert sings a song I assume is called “Carwash” because the set says “Carwash” in enormous letters, and also the set is a car wash. (The song is actually titled “It All Comes Out in the Wash.”) The camera cuts to Joe Walsh at one point. Walsh, Wash. Someone in the control room is drunk. After it’s over, Lambert shrugs and is like, “Whatever.” I agree!
Then something cool happens. Reba does “Fancy,” her hit version of the Bobbie Gentry song. Reba is, at first, wearing a large purple robe. Do you think she’s going to keep it on during the whole song? No! It reveals a daring red dress! The crowd goes wild. “Fancy” is a wonderful song, and then, even better, there is a FURTHER REVEAL of a tight red pantsuit. Wow — double costume reveals. Also, Reba “acts” throughout the song, like she really tells the story with her face and hands and such. She’s a performer. It is good!
Pink and Chris Stapleton sing yet another of the night’s 10,000 boring-ass ballads. This one is about a couple who each own a lot of hats, and get into a very nasty, public fight in the middle of a hat store. (They also own the hat store.)
Jim Gaffigan and Blanco Brown do the banter, and Blanco Brown delivers probably my favorite line ever written (because someone had to write this) for a live ceremony: “Thank you, man. With that being said, here are some other people that are killing it.”
New Artist of the Year is Ashley McBryde — I deeply care about the success of my fellow Ashleys. I hope she wins everything that comes her way. I want nothing but success for her, and therefore, vicariously, me.
Old Dominion plays a Blink 182 song.
Then it’s time for Carrie Underwood to sing — it’s INSTANTLY hilarious. You can tell this is her favorite costume. She must have watched Reba get into the role and took notes. Carrie went backstage to watch the Val bit from Broad City for inspiration. She really gave it her all. Her country song was a pop song with respectful-ish nods to jazz.
“Alrighty then!” Reba says, and throws it to Luke Combs who sings a song about beer never breaking his heart. I don’t believe him.
Kelsea Ballerini sings “Homecoming Queen.” I like her question mark guitar strap, but I don’t like songs for teenagers unless they’re about how they should worship the devil.
Then she segues into “Girl Crush,” a fucking great song. Lindsey Ell, Runaway June, Maddie & Tae, Ashley McBryde, Carly Pearce, and finally Little Big Town all join in to finish it up.
Midland and Some Other Guy appear and I’m suddenly reminded of when I was a kid and watched the Maverick movie a lot. Vocal Duo of the Year is Dan + Shay, their first win for this award. One of them shouts out his granny in the hospital for teaching him about Jesus. The other one (Dan) is also there. He thanks Shay.
Halsey and Lady Antebellum. Fun fact: “Halsey” is an anagram of her real name … Ashley. Is she hiding? Maybe McBryde can talk some sense into her. Dear “Halsey,” don’t let anti-Ashley bias — which is real, and in fact perpetuated by Disney — make you ashamed of who you are.
It has been the longtime position of Oh Balls! recaps that Lady Antebellum and their racist name can go fuck themselves.
Now a performance from Brothers Osborne and Brooks & Dunn. “Hard Workin’ Man.” This is the kind of country song that’s country-rock.
Maren Morris sings “Girl,” and I honestly like her. I wish her the best. I have a feel for “vibes” (it’s on my critics’ resume) and I like hers.
Vocal Group of the Year is awarded to Old Dominion. Congrats to them for being a group, all year long.
Blake Shelton then sings “God’s Country” and it has all kinds of like, country music signifiers in it. Pick, like, two!! Calm down!!
Thomas Rhett, a fancy lad, should have just gone with it and sung “Piano Man,” because he basically already did.
Dolly does gospel (but really kinda boring praise music) with some extras from Les Mis. I could spend 5,000 words on these dudes’ clothes but I don’t have the time. The important question is this: If I put out a gospel record, would Dolly listen to it? Something to consider.
There’s a double guitar, too, and they also sing “Have a Little Faith in Me.” It feels like a flashback to watching movie trailers in the late ’80s and early ’90s.
Keith Urban does spoken word poetry and then turns on his singer voice, just like that — it’s truly wild. (I love performance.) Do you think Keith and Nicole reminisce about the Australian pop culture of their childhood? Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and such? I bet they do.
OK, so then they trot out Joe Walsh and Bobby Bones. Joe Walsh keeps shrieking “Bobby! Bobby!” This is a HUGE missed opportunity, because he could be shrieking “Bones! Bones!” instead. They award Album of the Year to Girl, by Maren Morris. She gives one of the most gracious acceptance speeches I’ve ever seen, spending most of her time thanking the widow and family of Busbee, who recently died of brain cancer.
Sheryl Crow and Dierks Bentley and Joe Walsh and little urchin man Chris Janson do a song. Janson on harmonica — funny as hell. I want to do hallucinogens with Chris Janson.
Eric Church play’a the guitar and sing’a the song.
Trisha Yearwood gives Male Vocalist of the Year to Luke Combs. Now it’s Kacey Musgraves and Willie Nelson singing "Rainbow Connection.” Willie could have used slightly more body glitter, IMO.
Garth Brooks, Blake Shelton perform.
Female Vocalist of the Year is Kacey Musgraves! She gives a demure and understated posi-vibes acceptance speech about needing the power of women in the world.
Garth Brooks wins Entertainer of the Year. The end!
