Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I just read an article about Nashville on a website called Elite Daily. It tells you what captions are good to use for your Nashville travel photos. I’m visiting Nashville soon, and I was wondering if you think it’s a good idea to use those suggested captions for my Nashville Instagram posts.
—Lauren in Madison, Wisc.
Did you know that you said “Nashville” FOUR times in that stupid question, Lauren? I wish Nashville was called something different so people would stop saying it so much. I bet people wouldn’t say “Satan’s Crotch” or “Herpesville” over and over.
“Tina’s celebrating her 40th in Herpesville! Save the date!”
Do you know the story about Greenland and Iceland? Supposedly Iceland was called “Iceland” as a trick so no one would want to move there — Greenland was the icy one. I don’t know if that’s true, but I think Nashville should try it. “Music City” is much too attractive-sounding. How about “Brown Recluse City"?
I don’t feel bad for saying your question is stupid, because I am 100 percent sure that you are not a real person, Lauren. No real person would ever actually consider using Elite Daily’s “Nashville Instagram caption suggestions.” And if a real person did make the mistake of using any of Elite Daily’s “Nashville Instagram caption suggestions,” they would no longer qualify as a real person after doing that.
What the hell is “Elite Daily” anyway? I just read the “about” section on their website. It says that “Elite Daily” is part of the “Bustle Media Group.” Bustle Media Group says it is “the largest premium publisher reaching millennial women.” According to Bustle Media Group, millennial women turn to them for “impactful conversation.” What is a premium publisher? And why does everybody say “impactful” five times a goddamn minute all of a sudden?
Here’s a short play about the apocalypse called Modern Conversation:
MODERN CONVERSATION
MODERN DOPE No. 1: Nashville.
MODERN DOPE No. 2: Hot chicken.
MODERN DOPE No. 3: Premium hot chicken.
MODERN DOPE No. 1: Elite premium impactful hot chicken.
MODERN DOPE No. 2: Game of Thrones.
MODERN DOPE No. 3: Hot chicken Nashville Game of Thrones hot chicken. Celebrity.
*ocean boils, sky falls*
- THE END -
I never even HEARD the word “impactful” until 2018. After that, it seems like I heard it 250,000 times. Remember a couple years ago when nobody could stop saying, "putting a thumb on the scale”? Remember a couple weeks ago when Notre Dame burned down?
Anyway.
Let’s talk about Elite Daily’s premium impactful Instagram caption suggestions! In order for this column to make sense, everyone should strap on a barf bag and read THIS. Here’s a little taste:
Throughout the week, you flip through your calendar and mark down your plans. You make a note for when you're going to a spin class with your best friend, or have a coffee date with your mom. You put cute waffle stickers on the weekend mornings you're going to brunch, and palm trees on the ones you're going on vacation. There's one sticker that really stands out amongst the rest, though, because it's a pair of cowboy boots. Let me take a wild guess: You're heading down South with your BFFs, and need some captions for visiting Nashville and following your wanderlust this summer.
First of all, WHO THE FUCK OVER THE AGE OF 13 PUTS STICKERS ON THINGS?!?! Certainly no one I would classify as “premium.”
Here are Elite Daily’s suggested Nashville photo captions. Seriously:
1. "Wanderlust and city dust."
2. "Nashville looks so good on you."
3. "It was love at first beer flight."
4. "When in doubt, go on a girls' trip."
5. "Live like a local."
6. "This is the most brew-tiful place I've ever been."
7. "Stay in your magic, babe."
8. "We're fueled by coffee and country music."
9. "Take time to do what makes your soul happy."
10. "This city is as sweet as a peach."
11. "Start each day with a grateful heart and a good itinerary."
12. "I followed my heart, and it led me to Nashville."
13. "More bouquets and cowboy boots, please."
14. "Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart." — Eli Young Band, "Even If It Breaks Your Heart"
15. "Let your dreams stay big, your worries stay small." — Rascal Flatts, "My Wish"
16. "Funny how a melody sounds like a memory." — Eric Church, "Springsteen"
17. "Always stay humble and kind." — Tim McGraw, "Humble and Kind"
18. "Live a little, love a lot." — Kenny Chesney, "Live a Little"
19. "Cowboy take me away." — Dixie Chicks, "Cowboy Take Me Away"
20. "I believe in the beauty of Nashville."
21. "We owned the night." — Lady Antebellum, "We Owned The Night"
22. "With you, I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless." — Taylor Swift, "Fearless"
23. "Life changes, and I wouldn't change it for the world." — Thomas Rhett, "Life Changes"
24. "She'll be here until she runs. Some just have to chase the sun." — Kenny Chesney, "Wild Child"
25. "Dear, Nashville. You're my absolute favorite."
26. "Peace, love, and the land of country music."
27. "You either love Nashville, or you're wrong."
28. "I'm in a Southern state of mind."
29. "Eat, drink, and celebrate everything in Nashville."
Here are my 29:
1. “I am drunk.”
2. “I am drunk.”
3. “I am living proof that American public schools are underfunded.”
4. “Mural is big painting.”
5. “I am drunk.”
5. “I love stores.”
6. “I am drunk.”
7. “We are drunk.”
8. “I was drunk.”
9. “I’m a pony or something. I look like a pony. I’m drunk.”
10. “We got drunk.”
11. “Waiting in line is a big part of life.”
12. “I am drunk.”
13. “Taylor Swift is a celebrity.”
14. “I am drunk.”
15. “Nashville is made of drinks.”
16. “Cowboy boot means drinking.”
17. “She got drunk.”
18. “I got drunk.”
19. “I am drunk and in a line.”
20. “I move to Nashville because drink.”
21. “Random people got mad at us.”
22. “Brunch is drunk.”
23. “Day drunk also drunk.”
24. “Why I like mural?”
25. “Drunk.”
26. “We got drunk.”
27. “Taylor Drunk.”
28. “I throw up.”
29. “Drunkville.”
Impactful?
