Comedian, musician, host of The Chris Crofton Show and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it.
Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
I go to Nashville State and my grades are great, but sometimes I worry that isn't enough. I keep noticing I don't look like successful people. Or people that "project success." Will I ever land my dream job without a crazy hat or conceptual haircut?
I recently edited my hair to serve my agenda.
-Paul
Depends on your dream job, Paul. If you want to work in the septic business, you can wear whatever you want. You can even wear a marijuana-leaf do-rag — unless you’re trying to break into management. If you are applying for a management position at a septic company, you should cultivate the “state trooper at a barbecue” look: Put your phone in a holder on your belt (a really fucking big Android phone, ideally), and wear a polo shirt, khakis, wraparound shades and mustache. A sensible “brother-in-law” mustache, by the way, not some hipster conversation piece. People expect the septic organization they choose to keep their shit ON LOCKDOWN. Like shit policemen. Oh, that reminds me: Once you get your outfit together, remember not to say “shit” in the interview. Say “solid waste.”
My cousin Lonnie didn’t get past the first interview because he said “shit” too much. He wasn’t even applying for a management position. He just wanted to be a “tank monkey.” He sent an email afterward and asked if he didn’t get the job because of his “Bikini Inspector” shirt. They said no, the shirt was fine, since he wasn’t going for a management position. They just said, "You should try avoid saying 'shit' and 'piss' in a job interview, even if it’s for septic work."
What was the question? Oh yeah, “projecting success.”
Are you studying hands-on septic work, pest control or grave-digging at Nashville State, Paul? If not, you sure as hell better have the right haircut — and the right jawline — for today’s horrible job market. In 2015 America there are 500 applicants for every position. If you have the wrong head (like, actual skull), you are probably out of luck. There used to be jobs for regular-looking people, and they still have them in other countries. They were called “MANUFACTURING JOBS.” A master machinist could get hired even if he had a hump. Do you see any lawyers, hedge fund managers, restaurateurs, craft brewers, fashion designers, PR agents or HMO managers with humps? Of course not. All the money in the United States has been stolen from the lower classes using high-interest loans. The new “economy” consists of attractive people passing the loot back and forth.
Why are all these people good-looking? Because passing ill-gotten money around is not a hard job. There is plenty of time left to fuck your co-workers. And when these creeps are done fucking all the attractive co-workers they hired, they move on to fucking the employees of the craft brewery they frequent.
These days, the American job market isn’t so much a rat race as it is a rat beauty contest.™ You better slick that hair, put lifts in your shoes, suck on a mint, and maybe even put some putty on your nose before your first interview, Paul.
Dear Advice King,
I fancy myself a modern man, but all my girlfriend ever wants to do is the boot-scootin' boogie. Help!
Signed,
-Toby in Madison
Is this a sex question? If it is, all most girls want to do is “the boot-scootin' boogie.” The stuff you see in porn is bullshit — those girls are on painkillers.
