Aerosmith's Steven Tyler Brings Shame, Disgrace to The Bluebird Cafe. But Why? [Oh, the Humility]

In case you missed it: Long-standing President and Team Captain of the Dick-Cheese Rock ’n’ Roll Frontman Action Squad, Steven Tyler, made an unannounced appearance at venerated local singer-songwriter haunt and “SHHHH!” factory The Bluebird Cafe (as seen on ABC’s Nashville). There, in uncharacteristically intimate fashion, Tyler torched the souls of a small “lucky” audience, performing the paint-by-numbers post-Y2K Aerosmith single “Jaded” and, for the 333,333,333,333,333.141592653589793th time, the band’s 40-plus-year-old (and still perennially overrated) breakout “classic” “Dream On.” Assuming you know better than to buy into the near-half-century-running Emperor’s New Clothes-style con that Aerosmith is America’s Rolling Stones and you’re looking for a 12-minute reason to hate yourself, check out Tyler’s writers’-round-style performance in the clip above.

Why would God let this happen to The Bluebird, a Nashville institution that, through the years, has given so much to Nashville songwriters like Don Schlitz, Pam Tillis and Deacon Claybourne? The Tennessean, Associated Press and others have the scoop … sort of (not really.) Tyler later told the AP that he’s never played a room as small as The Bluebird. Ugh. What an outrageously insufferably outrageous cock-rock gargoyle.

Seriously, what the fuck is Steven Tyler doing in Nashville THIS TIME? Songwriting sessions?

Like you, despite my better judgment, in a situation such as this (which makes such a compelling case for ignorance equaling bliss), I can’t help but wonder what balance- and gravity-challenged noted kneecap self-mutilator and "Star Spangled Banner" abuser Steven Tyler is doing in Nashville. Sure, I suppose as a local music journalist I could Woodward-and-Bernstein this shit and uncover the awful truth, but we have a saying for what we do here at the Scene: “We’re saving lives here.” It’s important work. Plus, propelling the myth that Aerosmith is anything more than proto-Stone Temple Pilots falls far from the umbrella of reportage-worthy things of substantive musical importance. It ain’t part and parcel to the gig, ya dig?

In fact, Aerosmith’s place in this world, IMHO, falls somewhere between riding on a skateboard over the Niagra Falls and actually just not existing at all, because (and I’m talking to my fellow unapologetically enlightened rock snobs here) what band did Aerosmith ever really, truly influence that we couldn’t live without? (Fine, I’ll give you Guns ‘N Roses.)

So, the point of this post is two-fold: It’s ostensibly a ploy to crowd-source readers for info on Steven Tyler’s most recent reason for setting stink foot in Nashville, but actually just an excuse for me (unwavering Aerosmith anti-fan that I am) to take a few conjecture-driven (but wholly plausible of course) guesses as to what Mick Jagger-meets-yer-mamaw-looking imposter rock legend is doing in a Music City that actually does respect and appreciate true inscrutable talents, like Luke Bryan and Florida/Georgia Line.

Here goes — six possible purposes for Steven Tyler’s Nashville visit:

1.) Cutting tracks with Rayna Jaymes?

2) … or just cutting tracks? (

.)

3.) "Planning Nashville’s next flood. … of tears?"

4.) "Opening a rollercoaster atop Mt. Richmore."

5.) Nashville is the birth place of Elvis Presley and blues music, and Steven Tyler thought it was finally time he come down here and meet Johnny Cash?

6.) He’s the proud owner of Nashville’s first (to-be-announced) professional Major League Baseball franchise: The Tennessee Cryin’ Crazy Amazing Lookin’ Lady Dudes