We'll approve of experiments with narrative that we would never allow on actual living things. The mutagenic/magickal insanity that turned cute little bunny rabbits into ravenous carnivorous beasts in both The Lone Ranger and Despicable Me 2 — well, that’s nothing compared to what’s been done to the myriad Cinemax After Dark scripts that form the spine of Nurse 3D, a glorious wallow in sex, violence, and moral inconsistency that just snuck into 10 or so theatres around the country (as well as filling VOD services everywhere with its particular sickness).
It’s not like there are other films about nurses who spend their off time killing married men looking for a little something on the side, then become emotionally overwhelmed by the candy stripers they mentor and turn the workplace into a murderscape. Are there? If there are, I’d actually be interested in where they converge and where they diverge. If not, I'm all for establishing an HMO.
As the titular Nurse Abby, Paz de la Huerta delivers a truly unique performance. This isn’t meant to be a dis, but it isn’t really a compliment, either. She taps into a style that blends runway model instincts with a view of humanity that seems derived from two decades worth of direct-to-video erotic thrillers, but then topped off with a Norman Rockwell/afterschool special perspective on family and friendship. She could be an alien learning the intricacies of humanity, or she could be a Tex Avery femme fatale who just happens to turn nearly anything into an implement of death.
De la Huerta was devastating in Noé’s Enter The Void, and lots of fun in David Arquette’s political slasher The Tripper. Here, she delivers a performance that could be a Brechtian grace note, a tranquilizer-driven master class in posed indifference, or a Summer Phoenix-in-Esther Kahn redefinition of what acting is. Hell, maybe it’s all of those things. If I ever meet de la Huerta, I would be honored to buy her a drink and have her throw it in my face.
There are two main problems with Nurse 3D. The first is its bewildering moral inconsistency. Abby is presented as a predatory bisexual avenger for traditional family values, taking out unfaithful men in a way that their families never have to know the level on which they were betrayed. But then she decides to try and tear apart a relationship through the use of drugged drinks and incriminating three-way smartphone photos. And then, eventually, she goes on an indiscriminate murder spree that makes no differentiation based on what anyone has done. Granted, the character is meant to be insane — but still, it vexes if you let it get to you.
The second, and more problematic aspect, is that there’s a chunk in its midst, about 35 minutes in, where Nurse becomes a typical obsession narrative, where women have to battle against one another to convince whichever patriarchal representative is present that the other is obsessed with/copying them and trying to take over her life- it’s much like co-writer David Loughery’s 2009 screenplay for Obsessed, a/k/a the movie where Beyoncé had to protect her life and family from a deranged white woman, but nothing like his script for Star Trek V ...
This part of the film is not essential to enjoying the Nurse experience. It’s the scruff of the neck that the script was held by when the rest was dipped into the distilled insanity/adrenochrome/Guatemalan insanity pepper sauce that turned it into the viscera-and-flesh-stuffed whatsit that it currently is. When emails and text messages become the focal point, you’ve got a 20-or-so-minute bathroom/alcohol/insert whatever break before things get nuts again.
Kathleen Turner pops up for about 40 seconds, lending an air of legitimacy and class to a film that doesn’t really need it. The best supporting performance comes from Clean House/Reno 911!’s Niecy Nash, who takes the archetype of sassy black friend and wrestles it to the ground. The male supporting cast is either sleazy exploiters of women (Hal Hartley alumnus Martin Donovan, Brat Packer Judd Nelson) or built ciphers (Boris Kodjoe of several Resident Evil sequels, High School Musical’s Corbin Bleu) — it’s all about the ladies.
Director/cowriter Douglas Aarniokoski has a gift for stylish sleaze. There’s one sequence involving a pas de deux on a spiral staircase that has all the elegance of Brian De Palma’s Dressed to Kill museum pursuit — and in 3D, it’s magnificent. There are also moments that flail about and thud against the walls of cheap studios. You never really know what exactly is going to happen visually, which certainly makes Nurse a different kind of suspense film.
So have a mental margarita and saddle up with your best and most depraved of friends (or, as in my case, with your dad) for a trashterpiece like nothing you’ve seen in awhile. If you’ve got a 3D TV or know someone who has one, then let’s just call its future 3D Blu-Ray release an absolute must. But for now, this is the kind of thing that impulse pay-per-view purchases are for.
