God, didn't we
just dothe CMA Awards? Am I to have no respite from the faces of Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley? Well, here there are again, but for fictional things! Forget it Jake, it's Nashville-town.
Ruke
Rayna and Luke are getting ready for the CMA Awards! She’s wearing lots of costume jewelry, which are pieces of flair for people in country music. While helping Luke search for his speeches, she finds a prenup. “I figured it was a given, to be honest.” Luke! That is smart. You are both multimillionaires with children and prenups are I think pretty good ideas in general! I like you, Luke. Rayna is, of course, very hurt by his wise financial planning.
While waiting in the limo before the red carpet, Rayna starts to pick at Luke about the prenup; he tries to deflect. He mentions that his ex wife got loads of his money, and he is happy to split his money with Rayna 50/50. Rayna says “Our money.” What a fun relationship.
Talking to the press, Luke plays the doting beau card and Rayna plugs her label — her TRUE love. I hope the series ends in some sort of apocalypse scenario where the city of Nashville burns around Rayna while she huddles in the street, clutching gold records. Her new BFF Sadie arrives. Sadie gets a text from “Pete” asking if she’s ever going to call him back. She checks this message right in the middle of being interviewed. Amateur.
Rayna wins “Single of the Year.” She thanks Deacon and Luke looks sad.
Rayna wins “Album of the Year.” She thanks Liam and Luke looks sad.
Rayna loves awards as much as Faith Hill.
Luke goes to the bar and takes a shot. Sadie is also at the bar drinking. She is upset about her ex texting. That is not fun! She earned the drink! So now obviously something is going to happen between these two. I hope the writers recollect the time Shania Twain and Mutt Lange got a divorce and then he married her best friend. And then Shania married her ex-best friend’s ex-husband. I mean it was pretty much straight up ’70s-sex-romp partner switching and everyone kind of let it go!
After Luke returns to his seat, Rayna notes he smells like liquor, the devil’s tears. The pair win for “Ball and Chain.” Luke thanks Gunnar and others. Rayna doesn’t get a chance to talk (for the fourth time) and of course this is very very very upsetting to Rayna.
Sadie sings and her voice is pretty. Luke is looking from the sidelines. Rayna is looking from the sidelines. Luke looks at Rayna. Rayna walks away. Sadie also wins New Artist of the Year. She mostly talks about Rayna. Angry Luke goes away and Rayna follows. He is upset about the Deacon thanking and then says “The only reason your album went gold is because I proposed to you on the day you released it,” and that she took something that was his. (Awards. They are made for one other.)
Rayna wins Entertainer of the Year. She thanks her kids. She thanks Highway 65. She thanks Female Artists. Then she thanks Luke. “I share this with you, babe.” OK that’s good so far BUT THEN, “Just to all the men out there, we’re never trying to take anything away from you. There’s plenty of sunshine for all of us.” Haha first of all, speak for yourself, I definitely want to take things away from men! And secondly, as a professional pop culture idiot, that speech would immediately get jumped on by any entertainment journalist with half an ear for subtext. For someone who hates celebrity gossip so much, she really went out of her way to announce the fact she and her fiancé have been fighting all night.
The party is over. Drunk Luke apologizes for being too drunk and being a jackass. She doesn’t care about the awards (lies) but WAS bugged by the prenup (duh). They make up and all is well. OR IS IT??? (Deacon texts her so probably not.)
Juliette
Pregnant Juliette is also readying for the awards. She’s meeting Avery’s parents for the first time — lots of pressure! She overhears the TV talk about how she’s underrepresented in nominations. Further pressure! So now she flashbacks to her mom’s suicide, the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. I loved her momma.
At the red carpet, Juliette is asked by the coordinator to wait in her car and “stay here for a little bit,” a phrase which leads to another flashback of her momma, my dream woman from heaven. Her mother leaves lil’ Juliette behind by herself by she goes out with some drunken bum. No one’s perfect! Avery introduces her to his parents who seem nice so far. Scratch that — the mom is nice, the dad is very confused about modern day complicated sex relationships with pregnant celebrities. His dad is upset at Avery’s life, because they didn’t raise him this way (he is a LOT better than he used to be!) and Juliette overhears his father mention that she “wasn’t raised at all.”
FLASHBACK. Her mom runs off with a new boyfriend again, but this time Juliette is older. The new boyfriend’s kid is left behind as well. Teen Juliette wants to R-U-N-N-O-F-T too, so she straight up padlocks the kid in the trailer. Back to present day, she makes a face at his rude dad and walks away.
Avery apologizes to Juliette for his father. She has taken his nonsense to heart. She says she learned everything about mothering from HER mother. Avery says if that were true, he’d be “a judgmental, unforgiving jackass just like my dad.” Realization dawns upon his face. Seated again, he tells his father that he will luv his baby. He holds Juliette’s hand. “Your mom wasn’t all that bad, you know,” Avery tells her. (THANK YOU.) She is having a bb girl.
At the house, she asks Avery to unzip her dress. He says goodnight and walks out. But she does a wry smile ’cause that’s how you get ’em! Well played.
Will & Layla
Will looks so incredibly handsome while he gets ready for the show. Layla doesn’t want to go. He tells her the CMAs are live and she can’t be edited. He does the gay loathing thing again, which is old, and talks about how his parents probably won’t watch. They do the red carpet. Will is straight up Mr. Peanutbutter-esque in his enthusiasm, and Layla is being pedantic over the use of the word “irony.”
Will and Layla go to sing. “Love and Country” is already a “hit reality series” according to the announcer. Fans are allowed to crowd the stage and make spirit fingers at Will while Layla sings her verse. She is sad. They also present together and the banter has been rewritten to make Layla look dumb. She is sad some more. “Just so you all know, I deferred Harvard,” she ad libs. Whoops! Back at home she is watching video parodies of herself. She doesn’t want to be famous like this. He says he doesn’t either, but it’s what sells. He cuddles her. These two love being famous almost as much as Rayna loves awards!
Gunnar & Zoe
Gunnar is bringing his kid. Gunnar is nominated for “Ball and Chain,” which he wrote for Luke, and his kid Micah asks what "ball and chain" means. Zoe says it’s when you’re stuck with somebody. Kid says “Like my mom’s stuck with me.” Damn! That is a Juliette-like level of self-loathing wrought by an unstable parent. They unconvincingly deny it. Zoe is immediately like, “soooo you talked to his grandparents?” Haha not yet!
At the show, Gunnar takes a phone call that he believes is Micah’s grandparents, while Zoe literally points (with her finger) at all the celebrities in the room. Evil villain Jeff Fordham asks if she has a second to talk about her future with the company. He asks for demos. Hooray Zoe! Gunnar comes back and runs off Jeff. Kylie’s parents haven’t heard from her in months. Now the kid’s run off. Oh no Zoe! They ask a cop if he’s seen the kid. The cop’s like, “nope.” Hahahaha. “CAN YOU PLEASE HELP???” asks Gunnar. Then the cop gets on the radio is like, “We got a missing kid!” Haha. Good police work there, Johnson.
Gunnar is not in the room to win his award, obviously. (Because obviously Gunnar wins, every character on this show is a preternatural talent.) His kid finds him, he got lost after wandering off to the bathroom. The moral is children are terrible dummies. Will brings Gunnar’s award to the house post-show. Zoe apologizes. She wonders what if Kylie never comes back. Gunnar thinks that would be super cool! Zoe disagrees — she left Natchez because she wanted something different than chasing a dumb kid around an award show. So she is breaking up with him.
Scarlett & Deacon
Scarlett, a crate of fundraiser oranges, is sitting at home watching the awards. Deacon just came back from fishin’. Scarlett says she’s not normally one for awards shows but literally every person in her life is nominated (normal) so what the heck??? Scarlett is happy to see all persons tangentially related to her appear on television. Deacon wanders in and decides to watch when Rayna pops up. They order a pizza and basically talk about how much they deserve recognition. That is exactly like how I watch awards shows but with a lot more booze and Twitter. She leans on her uncle (weird) and watches Sadie perform and reminisces about how she is not made for performing. Basically the pair Greek chorus the CMAs from the comfort of their own home, which is the most important job any of us will ever do. DING DONG someone’s at the door. IS IT RAYNA WHO DEACON IS TEXTING??? Nope, it’s a crying Zoe who has no where else to turn because everyone on this show has exactly One Friend.
Teddy
Weird about that fancy escort, again. She tries to be discreet (which means she is good at her job!) but he's got some kind of death wish for a sex scandal.
No new episode next week! See you in a fortnight! Oh man I am stoked for a free Wednesday!
