Who missed Teddy and his hooker tonight? No one? That's what I thought.
Rayna and Luke
Rayna and Luke are doing a Toys for Tots ad and she immediately complains about it. (Yiiiikes!) The kids immediately complain about the (beautiful) fake Christmas set that has been built in their home. Rayna, who hates for her children to be in the spotlight more than anything, films a segment with them. Deacon arrives to pick up Maddie for guitar lessons/makeup fathering, and also to flirt with Rayna. Normal holiday stuff.
After the crew wraps up, Bucky arrives with an advance copy of Rayna’s Rolling Stone cover story. The teenage make-out has been excised, details about Rayna’s “extravagant” lifestyle and hot deets about ol’ Dekie remain. She calls Deacon; he lets his answering machine pick it up because absolutely no one listens to voicemails on their cellphones. She advises him not to read the article.
Ruke are still filming their creepy Joan Crawford family Christmas. Luke is irritated that Rayna keeps trying to get in touch with Deacon about the article. Good news though, Deacon arrives to drop off a holiday guitar! Rayna pulls him aside to try and explain. There’s nothing she can say to take it back, though. He’s mad at her for selling out their relationship. He doesn’t know how she can live this way. (She secretly loves it.)
The kids are bummed about new traditions. Luke says new traditions are fine. They have another tiff. She wants to go talk to Deacon to “make it right.” Haha OK good luck. Poor dumb Luke. Deacon is plugging in his Christmas lights around 11 p.m., and Rayna arrives. He says everything she said in the article was true. He can’t let go because he loves her. She tells him to move on, for she is to be married in two weeks. That wedding will never, ever happen. And if it does, Luke better watch his back. Inconvenient spouses have a way of dying off on this show.
Juliette
Juliette goes to grab Avery for some doctor stuff and overhears him talking to Gunnar about meeting Sadie Stone. He would like to produce Sadie Stone. Avery says she is “totally hot” (in the Hansel sense, not the way I use that word), and Juliette overhears. Of course he in no way explains who he was on the phone with, and of course she does not ask. This leads Juliette to ask her assistant to help her stalk Avery to the Winterville Nashfest (ha). Fair enough!
And guys, I’m saying it. Emmy. Give Hayden Panettiere as many Emmys as Rayna has CMAs. Juliette is so very, very clearly the best character on the show, and almost all of that is because Panettiere is able to convey Juliette’s pain and insecurities while maintaining the character’s sense of strength and maturity. ALSO SHE IS DRESSED LIKE A DOWAGER JAWA ON A HOVERROUND AT THE MUSIC FEST TO TRACK DOWN AVERY. Drama and comic relief! Is it really so much to ask? (lololololol) She sees Avery talking business with Sadie. He spots her. She knocks down chairs in her Hoverround and drags them across the lawn. Busted. This is seriously the most (intentionally) funny thing the show has ever done.
Juliette meets with Sadie and tries to sell Avery to her. She blames the hormones, but Sadie says no. Until she says yes the next day. Avery and Juliette are then cute to one another. Hooray!
ZAG
Gunnar is cowriting with Sadie Stone. His band ZAG is playing Winter of Our Discontent Bash, and she suggests getting a manager for them; she arranges that they meet hers. This producer is all music business and finger guns and brown leather jackets. He loves their look and sound and they could be the next Lady Antebellum! He can get them gigs ASAP and out on the road. Gunnar wants to record an album first, and he and Zoey have it out. Avery is exasperated and embarrassed. And Gunnar has the audacity to accuse Zoey (who is what, like 23?) of being selfish for not wanting to be insta-mom to his surprise kid who just showed up instead of doing, oh, like anything else. She will not go on with the band. She runs into Scarlett and tells her she does not have a home here. (Maybe you should have tried making more than two new friends in your tenure, one of whom you dated.) (Just sayin’.)
The producer calls and re-ups the offer. Gunnar says no because he’s got a kid now. And Zoey is taking a flight out to L.A. to start a new life. Come back, Zoey!
Scarlett
Scarlett, a pinecone-and-glitter Christmas ornament, is trying to buck up newly single Zoey. They have a lot to commiserate about since they both have dumped the same guy (a very uncommon and odd thing for best friends to do in their early 20s) but mostly they talk about The Biz. Zoey lets it be known that Scarlett is basically managing Terry (the show’s most tragic middle-aged character since Juliette’s mom), but Scarlett, who has all the self-esteem of an abused animal, insists she ain’t doin’ nuttin’ much. (Headshots, press, gigs, etc.) Terry was homeless, but now he’s opening on the main stage of Winterfresh Bashfest, the biggest East Nashville music festival in the history of time.
A reporter is talking to Terry at the Fest, asking how it feels to be gone for two decades and back out again. (And here is where I learn Terry was Bubba from Forrest Gump!) He mostly talks about Scarlett. The reporter asks why a seemingly normal dude was homeless for so long, and then asks about his dead family. Standard local reporter question for a fluff piece on a local music festival. Scarlett Stage Moms Terry out of the interview before it gets too Real.
So Terry performs well. Crowd goes wild. But because he is aligned with Scarlett, he gets some of that PTSD about how his whole family died in an accident and runs off the stage. He immediately finds a contingent of homeless folks out drinking, and is like “Little Miss Pixie trying to save me for some reason,” and the home viewer is like “Yes, basically.” He tells her that he is not afraid, but she is the one who is afraid. She says she is just trying to help. Haha he calls her a coward. She runs away. So will this magical homeless bluesman help tiny baby dove Scarlett find her voice again??? (Yes.)
Scarlett runs over to Gunnar and Avery and offers to stand in for Zoey. She's not gonna let some stranger she projected all of her insecurities on tell her what she can’t do! Her PTSD magically dissipates through the power of spite, a pissed Zoey overhears, and even good ol’ drunken Terry gives them a listen. She's back on top! For the time being!
Will and Layla
Will and Layla are struggling with the pressures of promoting their hit new reality show. They spilt a beer and seem to get along well enough. The best thing that could happen to these two is for Layla to get over her love for him and become yet another in a long line of Hollywood’s gay man-straight wife power couples. But for now, the two of them are just looking for an escape, somewhere that nobody knows them.
There have been many moments in this show that have killed me. Juliette tonight! The pork blood incident, of course. The vast majority of Season One Avery, when he was the worst person in the world. Scarlett, as a general rule. But this, this is made me officially dead. It is too funny. “East Nashville is the land of hipsters,” says Will, “No way anybody here watches our show or listens to our music.” I laugh and laugh. They are in disguise, with glasses and beanies. Even though this is a music festival, in music city, in a neighborhood where loads of musicians live, their clever ruse appears to be working.
The pair decide to do their own thing. Will grabs a beer, and talks booze with the cute bartender. The bartender’s boyfriend comes up, the pair share a kiss, and go on with their normal lives as totally normal. Will notices that no one around him noticed a wholly unremarkable homosexual kiss. Hipsters may be obnoxious about bourbon, but they ( … we?) are not obnoxious about caring if people are gay!
“So you’re gay, huh?” SUBTLE. He asks the barkeep how he can stand to stay somewhere where people “aren’t accepting of alternative lifestyles.” Sometimes he has problems, but mostly not, barkeep responds.
Bastard man Jeff Fordham is on his way to Nashville City’s Winter Fun Time Family Baller Jam, and an assistant hands over Layla’s new album for him to listen to on the way there. He is of the mind that no, he will do no such thing. He all but uses the CD to do blow off of before he peels out. (Villains rule and Jeff is the best.) This music festival apparently has a tent with cushions and bunch of instruments where any ol’ rando can plop down and start playing; sounds like a nightmare. Jeff hears incognito Layla do her gentle, non-pop thing, and the crowd is digging it. Is he, like, having feelings? He compliments her on her abilities. (SHIPPING.) (I’m gross.)
OK so now Jeff is NOT evil (through the power of music) and he and Layla are super chummy and talking about music. Did you know Jeff played music? She goads Jeff into playing music. And how’s Will? Drunk, and trying to make out with the guy who he knows has a boyfriend. The dude turns him down and says being gay is about more than anonymous hookups. This is a very stirring PSA from 1972, guys. Anyway, Will says that’s all he can ever have (implied because he is so so famous in the country world).
Layla hooks up with Jeff. Hooray!
