We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming about things that actually matter, like whether or not our next president will be the first female or first Oompa Loompa to hold the highest office, to bring you a show about a really cute girl dating a bunch of manscaped D-bags at the same time.
Rose Ceremony
We jump right into the action of the MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER and find a formally clad JoJo crying on an airport runway. Luke returns to the rose ceremony after telling JoJo he loved her, and the other three guys are kinda pissed that he didn’t bow out.
JoJo sobs for an what feels like an eternity and returns to the podium after a definite makeup retouch to give roses to Johnny Football (Jordan), Waxy McWaxerson (Robby) and Brobot (Chase). Luke looks stunned, JoJo weeps and I definitively do not care about any of these people.
JoJo walks Luke out and says as the days, weeks and months went on that their relationship got better … so the obvious thing to do was to send him home. Who wants a relationship that gets better over time? Blech! JoJo “doesn’t know how to say goodbye” to Luke, so she just hugs his neck and cries into his chest and tells him how much she cares about him. Seems like a totally normal way to break up to me. JoJo cries and apologizes and kinda massages Luke’s shoulders and he looks like someone just shot his puppy. Rest in peace, Rudy Drooliani (a real name that I hope my friend chooses for her puppy). There’s more crying on a runway and JoJo wonders if sending Luke home was a mistake. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that yes, it was a mistake. You could put skinny jeans on a fairly standard mop and it would have more personality than the remaining three guys.
Robby’s Overnight Date
Elephants! Monkeys! Gold Buddhas! JoJo in cut-off shorts on a beach! We must be in Thailand. JoJo is completely over Luke and is excited for her “exotic overnight dates” with her three remaining guys: Meh, Eh and Sure.
Robby meets JoJo at a Thai market to try weird foods and disrespect an ancient culture by getting freaky in public. They get pedicures and Robby tells JoJo that he’s always been honest with her and that a good example is when he told her he loved her in Uruguay. “And that was me being honest. If I didn’t [love you], I would’ve been lying.” You cannot argue with that logic, people. You can try but you would not succeed.
JoJo and Robby go to dinner and he wears white jeans. WHY IS HE STILL HERE?! JoJo is scared that Robby told her he loved her so soon (aka on their first date — stalker alert). She asks him how his family reacted when he told them his feelings. He admits they thought it was soon but they could all see it on his face. Allegedly, his dad could tell he was down so he “snuck” a handwritten note in the back pocket of Robby’s jeans without him knowing. I call foul. Robby’s jeans are so tight that in order to get anything in those pockets, some serious fondling would need to occur. No way Papa McWaxerson slipped anything in there without Robby knowing. (So unintentionally dirty sounding.) JoJo reads this very personal father-son letter that starts off by saying, “Robby, I can tell you are in love with JoJo.” I’m guessing if she dug around in Robby’s pockets long enough she’d find another note in “Robby’s dad’s handwriting” that says, “Please excuse Robby for being absent from Male Model school. He was sick.”
JoJo gives Robby a note from Chris Harrison, who no longer is even required to speak on this show, that says, “Hey guys, if you want to bone, here’s a key to a fancy room!” To prove how much he loves her, Robby refers to JoJo by her birth name, Jowanda. (Or Joelle, whatever.) He says he wants to be the man who goes into work late because he doesn’t want to get out of bed with her in the morning, and he wants to be the guy who rushes home early from work to see her. That’s the kind of piss-poor work ethic that’s going to get you fired, son.
In recent seasons, this show has started showing The Morning After the Fantasy Suite, and in this case, Robby and JoJo eat breakfast in bed and make out for awhile and JoJo is in a silk robe with a messy bun and perfectly applied makeup. Totes normal morning. I look exactly the same in the morning. Sorry, my husband is unavailable to comment on that but here’s a handwritten note from him confirming everything I just said.
Jordan’s Overnight Date
JoJo (hopefully) wipes Robby’s stank off of her and then meets up with Jordan on a beach to go hiking. JoJo is wearing her “sporty” attire. You know what I’m talking about — a midriff-baring top with spaghetti straps, sexy cut-off shorts and a denim shirt tied around her hips. Who among us hasn’t showed up to the gym in the exact same outfit? Their hike ends up in a temple in a cave. Much like that church camp you attended in junior high, there’s a strict no-kissing rule in the temple. Apparently canoodling isn’t off-limits though.
JoRo and JoJo talk about JoJo’s family, and JoRo admits he’s nervous that his potential future father-in-law won’t be able to look in his eyes and know he’ll protect his daughter. JoJo is afraid that JoRo is too good to be true. I can assure her that he’s not. Case in point: He shows up to dinner in a scoop-neck white T-shirt and a blazer.
At dinner, they discuss what the future together could look like. Jordan says he doesn’t know and that scares JoJo. He tries to reassure her that his job (as a former NFL quarterback?) doesn’t require him to have a home base. JoJo admits she has a hard time believing him and asks him how he knows she’s the one. He basically says, “I can picture a wedding day with you” and “I feel different than other times I thought I was in love” and she seems giddy, but I’m thinking maybe those aren’t good answers … ?
Jordan reads the Fantasy Suite card, but says, “No, I don’t think I can share a bed with you before we are married. I love and respect and value you too much to steal your virtue.” JK. He basically drools, grunts and says, “Let’s bang!” The next morning Jordan and JoJo have perfectly coiffed hair, and JoJo points out that they’re eating their first breakfast together — THE EXACT SAME LINE SHE USED ON ROBBY! Although I can’t totally fault her. Breakfast is a thing worth commemorating. Jordan tells JoJo last night was “exactly everything I needed” and JoJo says, “it was … nice.” They make out by the door, Jordan ponders things — probably basic math and who that Benghazi guy is — on a balcony, and JoJo walks on a beach and thinks about how hard it is to be in love with two people: Robby and Jordan. Sorry, Chase-Bot. Your mainframe is about to be destroyed.
Chase’s Date
Chase shows up on a moped and has been programmed to Playful Mode. He kisses a fish then eats JoJo’s face. They embark on a boat and make out some more and laugh at a monkey. Chase thinks JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable and they are making him feel the feelings of falling in love. They sit on a beach and talk about all the things that happened on last week’s two-hour snoozefest and JoJo doesn’t want this date to end. Really? Because I’m dying to wrap it up. I don’t feel comfortable when robots start getting too comfortable and friendly. It probably means they’re plotting something sinister. Brobot and JoJo get in the water and have a meaningful discussion about how their world views, political stances and personal values would coincide in the real world. Nope. In reality, they grind on each other and feel the motion of the ocean.
Before their nighttime date, Brobot sifts sand through his fingers and reflects on the meaning of life. JoJo stares out at the ocean from a balcony and reflects on which lip-gloss to wear to dinner. Then there’s a knock on her door and … it’s Robby. He just totally spontaneously showed up at her room during the brief window of time she was back at her place between her afternoon and evening dates with Chase. What are the chances?? ABC continues their trend of eliminating any suspense or drama from the show by basically giving away the ending when JoJo says how much she loves Robby and loves Jordan and could maybe possibly kinda see herself falling in love with Chase. See ya, Brobot. Nice knowing you.
At dinner, Chase toasts “to just kinda trusting me … ” and I don’t feel bad for him at all. He tells JoJo he wants to be the man she deserves and he wants to smear that lipstick. (Real thing he said. I am incapable of making up stuff that douchey.) Chase can’t read through the Fantasy Suite card without giggling like a prepubescent boy seeing the intimates section of a Sears catalog. Back in the Fantasy Suite, Chase tells JoJo he’s 100 percent in love with her, and her crestfallen expression says it all. She’s not into human-robot relations.
JoJo excuses herself to go sit outside alone for a little while. Not a good sign, bro. She returns from her alone time to tell Chase that she doesn’t think they’re in the same place and that it would be unfair to spend the night together. Chase is not pleased, to put it lightly. It’s safe to say he is feeling emotions of anger and rejection.
JoJo tries to make it better by telling him that he’s perfect and wonderful and if they met outside of this show, they would be in love and everything would be wonderful. She cannot understand why that doesn’t comfort him. Chase cracks open a can of beer as he’s getting into the sad-wagon and says, “Oh, is this my fantasy suite?” and it is the first time I like him on this show.
Rose Ceremony
Jordan and Robby are shocked when JoJo arrives instead of Chase. She starts telling the guys how awful it was to send Chase home and how angry he was and — what do you know — Chase shows up. They are playing it really fast and loose with these rose ceremonies lately.
Chase tells JoJo he cares too much to let their relationship end the way it did “the other night.” So, days have gone by and the best time for him to have a follow-up conversation is during JoJo’s only 30-minute time commitment this week? He tells her he loves her and respects her and wants her to be happy. I’m sure none of this is motivated at all by his desire to go out of this show on a high note as a heartbroken gentleman who might be loved and adored and pitied by fans, thus earning him a potential spot as the future Bachelor. Personally, I support his bid as Bachelor 2016. It’s high time that this show reach beyond their narrow-minded prejudices and finally make a robot the Bachelor.
JoJo gives roses to Jordan and Robby (the only two guys at the ceremony). Their shirts both have sweat stains on them but their hair looks like a flea circus could win a sponsorship from Billabong by surfing on their gelled waves.
Tune in tonight to watch the Men Tell All special (Chad is back!!!) and check back here tomorrow for a full recap. If I have to endure it, you have to endure it. We’re in this together.
Both parts of "Robots," a song featured in the pilot episode of Flight of the Conchords. It's also the ninth track on their self-titled full length that was released in April.
