<i>The Bachelorette</i> Recap: When You Say Nothing at All

Photo courtesy of ABC

Welcome back to The Bachelorette, a show with all of the bloodlust and power dynamics of Game of Thrones but with none of the backstabbing dragons, enchanted castles, sassy talking birds, curses that can only be broken by true love’s kiss, Quidditch tournaments, ogres who seem threatening but turn out to be your friend, gargoyles who lunch or flying monkeys. (I haven’t actually seen GoT, but this pretty much covers it, yes?) 

We open on a shot of Hannah hopscotching through a gazebo and attempting to rap (if you want to call it that), and I’m shocked to say it is … not good. Meanwhile, the Bros are sipping Champagne by the pool and toasting to “treatin’ your girlfriend nice.” King of the Bros, Chris Harrison, shows up to whip his douchey dominions into shape. Luke P. explains how good it felt to get the first impression rose, all the while the thick gold chain he’s wearing is making an impression on me that’s ... not good.

Group Date No. 1

It’s time for the first group date of the season. What a momentous, historic occasion. Who will cry? Who will get drunk and belligerent? Who will claim to be here for the Right Reasons when in fact he is here for the Wrong Reasons? Time will tell.

The date card arrives and it’s addressed to Grant, both Lukes (that’s S. and P. for all you surname initial enthusiasts), Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones and Dylan. If you’re desperately trying to remember who all eight of these guys are, you’re not alone. I’m staring at them on my TV right now and I still can’t tell you. They all have broad shoulders, overly gelled brown hair and faces that seem to be constantly stuck in the expression of someone who didn’t hear what you said and asked “Huh?” in an annoyed manner. The card says Hannah is “Looking for Mr. Right.” Keep looking, honey.

Hannah painted on some jeans and hauled her tight little behind to an empty theater to parade these meatheads down a catwalk. It’s our very own episode of Tools and Tiaras. And guess what? Miss J. is here!! Miss J. is here!! Miss J. is here!! This is my favorite episode ever.

<i>The Bachelorette</i> Recap: When You Say Nothing at All

Photo courtesy of ABC

Miss Jay, the international runway trainer and judge extraordinaire who you might remember from all 824 season of America's Next Top Model, is joined by two drag queens: Alyssa and Alaska. They are going to train these guys for the Mr. Right Pageant. Since Hannah is looking for a guy who is the total package, the pageant begins by putting their total packages on display in a speedo competition. These guys are waxed, tanned and have muscles in places I didn’t know muscles could exist. I’m talking about the sides of their necks — get your mind out of the gutter.

Next, it’s time for the talent competition. Since the guys already showed all of their “talent” in the speedo competition, there’s not much left for this round. There’s some very bad tap dancing, unicycling and juggling, and then Nashville singer-songwriter Jed gets up to do some bad singing. “I’ve gotta say, his voice is ... not great,” says the professional musician at our viewing party. “I concur,” says me, a person with ears.

First Impression Rose Luke P.’s talent is making unwarranted, overdramatic declarations of love to strangers and then kissing them on national TV, I guess, because that’s what he does. The men are outraged, the nation is disgusted and yet Hannah is swooning that this human Stretch Armstrong has a heart and it loves her. (It does not.) Luke P. is named Mr. Right. The last time I was this mad to see a man crowned was when Screech was named the very first Mr. Miss Bayside.

That night at the cocktail party, Mike Johnson (still the only good one) makes a toast to being real and finding love that lasts forever, not just 15 minutes. Burn! Suck it, Luke P.! Luke P. follows that up by stealing Hannah away immediately while the guys slowly breathe through their 'roid rage instead of snapping Luke’s neck. Hannah asks Luke how he could feel so strongly so quickly. He tells her he is confident he’s starting to fall in love with her (reminder: they’ve known each other less than 24 hours and probably spent less than 24 minutes together), and she melts into a puddle. She gushes to the camera about how Luke is telling her everything she needed to hear. Oh, bless your heart, Hannah B.

<i>The Bachelorette</i> Recap: When You Say Nothing at All

Photo courtesy of ABC

Back with the guys, Luke P. pulls out the classic “I’m going to go after what I want” and “I’m not here to make friends” and wow. Just wow. Over time, I come to hate everyone on this show, but I don’t think I’ve ever fallen into hatred so quickly. When I started this journey, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever fall in hate again, but after just one episode with Luke, I’m feeling something I never dreamed would be possible. I think he could be the one I spend the rest of my life loathing. It’s just so … so unexpected. And yet it feels so right.

Meanwhile, while Luke is turning the entire house against him, Nashville Jed helps himself to a big scoop of sloppy seconds. Ultimately, Hannah gives the date rose to Jed, and Luke doesn’t look very happy.

One-on-One Date

Hannah shows up wearing white denim on white denim with a side of white denim to pick up Tyler G. (the other guy from Nashville) for the first one-on-one date. A helicopter whisks them away from Broville to a random field, where I hope they’ll be left to fend off bobcats until night falls. Since no one ever listens to my very good ideas, this date will actually involve Hannah taking Tyler to “sling some mud” on four-wheelers like the couple of hillbillies they are. After riding some trails, Hannah gets mud “in places where mud shouldn’t be,” which I presume is all over her white Canadian tuxedo. Hannah and Tyler G. have a talk about their feelings, and these two wordsmiths are a match made in heaven. Tyler says he’s planning to “be real in hopes that they can develop something … real,” while Hannah nods along enthusiastically. Tyler is the type of guy to say, “Allow myself to introduce … myself.” And Hannah would respond, “That sounds real sophisticated-like.”

That night, they have dinner on a rooftop and bond over the fact that they have shared the same traumatic experience in life: going on the first one-on-one date on this show. If they can endure that, they can face any challenge that comes their way. Hannah decides to share her “brave dreams” with Tyler — things like being a mom and having some type of yet-to-be-determined career and doing something incredible. These are the very generic things she actually lists as her dreams. When other little girls were playing doctor or “salon worker,” Hannah was doing something no little girl has ever done in the history of the world: pretending to be a mom. Groundbreaking stuff. Hannah and Tyler both say a lot of words without ever actually managing to say anything coherent. Hannah gives this dumb-dumb a rose and they make out.

Group Date No. 2

For the second group date, Hannah invites Devin, Matteo, Darren, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter and Garrett, 10 more guys you definitely couldn’t pick out of a lineup.

Hannah shows up for the date wearing some knee-high socks and leather hotpants for a day of sexy sports. The workout hasn’t even started and someone’s thirsty. The guys head inside and discover they’re playing roller derby! Everyone is very nervous about this activity, which is dumb because it’s not like a head injury is going to make one iota of difference among these Mensa candidates. The last time Hannah went roller-skating she broke her arm, so she thought she’d try it again as a grown woman. Maybe that explains the outfit. She’s wearing the same shorts she wore as a 9-year-old who broke her arm roller-skating. I get it now. There’s a nice montage of guys falling on their asses, and this is good TV.

Back at the mansion, Cam the Rapper is playing the blues on the harmonica and lamenting the fact that he didn’t get a date this week. Oh, poor guy. Are you being forced to lie beside the pool in a California mansion, while someone fixes you free cocktails and does your grocery shopping? This too shall pass.

<i>The Bachelorette</i> Recap: When You Say Nothing at All

Photo courtesy of ABC

Back at the derby track, Chris Harrison is joined on the sidelines by the corpse of Fred Willard in what I assume is an elaborate Weekend at Bernie’s-style ruse. The game (match?) begins and guys just basically fall on top of each other and crawl around for a while and I guess this is roller derby ... ? A man named Dustin is injured but not enough to call in the fake Bachelor ambulance. Better luck next time, Dusty.

That night, Hannah and the Dudes meet up at an antiques store after hours. This promises to be a very dope party because everyone knows the best place to make out is on a shabby-chic settee. Dustin, the guy who injured his ankle, is the first to get alone time and a kiss. Hannah talks to Peter the Pilot about how amazing it is that he uses witchcraft to fly big planes through the air. Cam the Rapper crashes the date with a bouquet of carnations from the half-price bin at Kroger to spend some time with Hannah. But it’s like he always says, “A.B.C: Always Be Cam.” I wonder if he knows that Cam is a white rapper. He might rethink that catchy little saying. Quite frankly, I prefer N.B.C. — Never Be Cam.

Hannah’s years of pageant training have paid off, because she is faking a smile like a champ while Cam tells her how much he wanted to see her. Hannah has the same plastered smile and calm tone you use when trying to cajole your toddler into putting his clothes back on and not pee all over this nice lady in the department store. Afterward, Cam is feeling really proud of himself while he talks to the camera and three different guys interrupt him to tell him he’s a tool.

Hannah returns to the group to apologize that she hasn’t had time to talk to everyone because Cam was Always Be Camming. She gives the rose to Dustin, a guy who seems nice but has a nose ring so I feel skeptical of him.

Rose Ceremony

Hannah shows up to the cocktail party in tears and tells the guys that she wants to be real. She starts talking about how great they are (while the men nod in agreement) and cries harder and I keep waiting for her to tell them a loved one has tragically died, but I soon realize she’s just crying because she feels so #blessed. I too would be crying by the second date if I had to hang out with these neanderthals, but for a very different reason.

Some guy pulls her aside and asks her if she wants to scream, and she is into it. Always Be Camming interrupts their one-on-one time and says he’s planned something for all three of them, so he pulls them into a rose petal circle and serves Hannah chicken nuggets on a silver platter. Back in the house, the guy who was interrupted confronts Cam and throws nuggets at him. Yes! Nugget fight!

Tyler C., the general contractor who “loves to dance,” joins Hannah in the sacred nugget circle and they look at each other, and then discuss how much they like looking at each other. Cool. Promising start to a long and successful relationship, I’m sure.

Back in the private massage room of the mansion (?),  Luke P. is giving Hannah a rubdown and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. Hannah takes Luke’s shirt off and is all over him on a massage bed when Nashville Jed walks in. “This isn’t very appealing,” he says to describe the scene and my feelings about this show. Hannah freaks out and meets Jed outside, and he actually does a great job of diffusing the situation. Good on ya, Nashville. I didn’t think you had it in you.

<i>The Bachelorette</i> Recap: When You Say Nothing at All

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony. Nashville Jed and Nashville Tyler already have roses, along with Dustin, the nose-ring-wearing victim of roller derby. After reiterating how hard this is, Hannah gives out roses to Footloose Tyler C., Garrett, Devin, Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Mike Johnson the Good One, Peter the Pilot, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, Rev. John Paul John, Grant and … the final rose goes to … Cam. I guess Always Being Cam pays off. I hope next week the others guys decide to Always Beat Cam.

Just when you think the episode is over, Hannah disappears into the confessional and Luke P. sneaks in to see her. She doesn’t waste any time straddling him and sucking his face in front of 16 different cameras, and all I can think about is the poor production assistants who were in that room to conduct her interview and are now stuck watching these two make a baby.

By the Numbers

Viewing Party Guests: 13 (4 women, 6 men, 3 kids who left before the show started, we're not terrible people)

Drinks Consumed: 20

Roller Derby Injuries: 1

Chicken Nugget Injuries: 1

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