Like a new strain of COVID, this season of The Bachelorette is slightly different than the original, and it’s here to ruin your summer. I have taken a hiatus from recapping throughout most of the pandemic because the only thing worse than watching this garbage show is watching it alone, but I’m loaded up on antibodies and apathy and ready to go!
This is roughly the 98th season of The Bachelorette and ABC has finally decided to change things up a bit. Instead of one white woman with Instagram beach waves dating a bunch of doofuses, we’re going to watch two white women with Instagram beach waves dating a bunch of doofuses. Groundbreaking stuff. To commemorate this momentous, historic, iconic, dramatic change, ABC has designed a new logo for The Bachelorettes where the added “S” looks like it was smeared with blood. Will someone get murdered this season??? Sadly, no.
Another noteworthy change this season is that ABC has replaced the 50-year-old generic white guy in a suit with a 43-year-old generic white in a suit as host. Heroic! Jesse Palmer is the new host, but it’s not his first time on the show. He competed in the fifth season of The Bachelor, back when all the roles were played by men and the show was performed on stage at the Globe Theatre.
Jesse Palmer starts the show by asking some really thought-provoking questions. How will this work with two bachelorettes? I’m dying to know! What will happen if both girls like the same guy? I can’t even imagine! How the hell did I, Jesse Palmer, get this job? Heck if I know, JPalm.
Now it’s time to meet the Bachelorettes. Here is everything I learn about them: Their names are Rachel and Gabby. One of them is blonde (Rachel), one of them is brunette (Gabby). They both have families. They both have lip fillers. They’re both “so deserving of love.” Especially after “everything they went through.” Apparently, “everything they went through” was being dumped simultaneously by a man whose head is so blocky, he looks like the prototype of a Lego character. This blockheaded man was the former Bachelor and his name is Clayton. Rachel and Gabby refer to the time they, two beautiful able-bodied young women, were dumped on national television by a man they had been dating for a couple weeks as “torture” and “the worst thing they’ve ever gone through.” Ladies, don’t look now, but your privilege is showing.
These girls are both pretty dumb but pretty funny, so I think this will actually be a fairly entertaining season. There is much debate among our viewing party over which girl we like more, but esteemed political reporter and editor Stephen Elliott settles it. “The blonde one is better.” You heard it here first, kids.
The girls arrive at the Bachelor Mansion and drink Champagne at sunset while giggling and tossing their perfectly coiffed hair. Is this the beginning of their love story … with each other? How great of a twist would that be?! Chris Harrison would roll over in his grave. (I know he’s not dead, but he’s not on TV anymore so he might as well be dead.)
It’s time to meet the 32 Rhodes scholars and Mensa candidates vying for a temporary relationship with Rachel or Gabby and a lifetime supply of Instagram followers. Jesse Palmer is waiting on the soaking wet driveway when Rachel and Gabby arrive. Gabby’s dress is completely sheer and bedazzled to high heaven, while Rachel’s glittery gown has a slit up to her vaj. JPalm can barely form words. His 43-year-old ticker can’t take this level of excitement. Then again, that might be the sign of head trauma from the six minutes he played in the NFL.
The limos arrive and drop off guys so generic that I’m fairly certain they are all AI generated. ABC producers typed in “human man with muscles from Middle America,” and these are the results. Some highlights:
-Jason, a 30-year-old investment banker, says he’s in love with three women: his mom, his sister and his dog. I feel fairly certain not a single one of them loves him back.
-Jordan, a software developer, steps out of the limo and my fellow viewing party guests say things like, “Is he a murderer?” and “He seems scummy” but then he puts noise-canceling headphones on each girl so he can have a sincere conversation with the other one and everyone agrees that it is a good gimmick. Well played, you scummy murderer.
-Kirk, a college football coach, screams words of encouragement at both women. Sheer dress, full glass, can’t lose.
-Logan, a videographer, shows up with two baby chickens so he could practice hanging out “with two chicks.” One of the birds poops on a Bachelorette. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my animal familiar.
-Jacob, a mortgage broker from Scottsdale with amber waves of hair, shows up shirtless and greased up and riding a horse like Fabio. I wish a goose would kamikaze his face.
-Quincey, a 25-year-old life coach from Miami, tells them he hasn’t had sex … in a year and a half … because he’s saving himself for the right person. Is it considered “saving yourself” when all of the women of the world simply do not want to have sex with you? Also, no 25-year-old has any business being a “life coach.” You have experienced life for roughly 12 seconds, my child. Give it a minute.
-Alec, a wedding videographer, exploits some poor choir kids by making them wear matching sweater vests and perform a song about how much Clayton (the old Bachelor) sucks. Catchy tune, but haven’t these show choir children been through enough? Like they need another reason to get beat up.
-James, a “meatball enthusiast” who goes by the nickname “Meatball,” shows up with a six-foot meatball sub. Man after my own heart.
-Tino, a contractor who shows up on a forklift, tells the ladies they look “forking gorgeous.” Gag me with a forking spoon.
-Spencer arrives with two chairs so the ladies can sit for a few minutes. Absolute legend. Marry him immediately.
It’s finally time for the cocktail party, and at first, they force the ladies to stay together as they chat with the guys so every conversation feels like a group job interview. Magician Roby does some card tricks for the ladies, but fails to convince them how he can improve productivity and increase revenue in Q4, so no kissy-kissy for him. In case that wasn’t enough to help you hit your cringe quota for the night, the girls are forced to talk to a pair of identical twins, who I’m pretty sure still sleep in the same bed. A twin bed.
Gabby and Rachel finally split up and chat with the guys solo. Hayden — a man I will be referring to as Grocery Store Joe 2.0 — writes a birthday card on a napkin for Blonde Rachel and it’s clear no one has ever done a kind thing for her because she’s about to burst into tears. Next, she chats with Jordan V., a drag racer, who brought a race car to show Rachel because she’s a pilot and I guess operating heavy machinery is the foundation of a good relationship. Rachel is shocked that Jordan V. doesn’t kiss her, and then she’s also shocked that another man named Aven doesn’t kiss her. In my experience, if a man doesn’t attempt to kiss a woman within 16 seconds of meeting her, it probably means she’s unworthy of love and will be alone forever.
Meanwhile, Fabio is lying on a bearskin rug by a roaring fire reading off the handwritten list of what he wants in a woman to Brunette Gabby. The list includes some really important traits like “takes care of herself physically” (aka “is hot”) and “isn’t afraid of physical touch” (aka “is horny”). I respect a man who knows what he wants. Gabby, understandably, leaves that conversation without physically touching Fabio, but she quickly is sucking face with Mario. Fabio sits alone in the corner and adds “is into bare-chested men by roaring fires” to his list of needs.
Tino takes Blonde Rachel to the stairs and says he wants to create a better memory on the stairs for her. This is clearly a reference I’d understand if I had watched last season. Did a fellow contestant push Rachel down the stairs at one point? Was she sitting on the stairs when she learned that her entire family had been destroyed in a freak natural disaster? Did she take an unflattering selfie on the stairs once? Who can say what trauma befell her on these wicked stairs, but Tino is ready to make some happy stair memories … with his tongue. Tino either asks, “Would you let me kiss you?” or “Would you like me to kiss you?” — jury’s out and we’re too lazy to rewind the scene — and either way, the answer should be no but Blonde Rachel says yes.
Back to Gabby, who is now making out with a man named Erich, who I will be forever pronouncing as E-Rich, like an electronic version of a man named Rich. Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to her tongue tango partner, Tino. Gabby gives her First Impression rose to her tonsil hockey teammate, Mario. All the other men gaze out the window in abject sadness.
The sun is rising on a new day, which means it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Despite being at this cocktail party for 72 hours straight, the women still haven’t talked to a majority of the men, so they don’t want to do a Rose Ceremony. Jesse Palmer says they can do whatever they want, but he encourages them to not string along anyone that they know they don’t have a future with. Our viewing party jokes that maybe they’ll just send home the nerdy twins and the nerdy magician, and I kid you not, they only send home the nerdy twins and the nerdy magician. They’re keeping the other 29 guys, but they made that magician disappear. I wish someone would make me disappear.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 9 (4 women, 3 men, 2 children)
Drinks Consumed: 23
Bachelorettes: 2
Contestants Remaining: 29
