It’s Monday night, Alaska is on fire, Hawaii is underwater, Europe is melting into the ocean, and you’re definitely going to die of monkeypox. There’s nothing left to do but sit back, relax and watch the 28th-best reality dating show on television: The Bachelorette! In case you missed my flawless recap last week, there are two BacheloretteS who are dating 30 of the most generic human males you’ve ever seen in your life. Honestly, you could walk into any Brooks Brothers store in the universe and the clientele would seem fascinating and diverse by comparison.
It’s the morning after the non-Rose Ceremony, and Gabby and Rachel are rocking their best no-makeup makeup look for a patio chat. I’ve watched enough Instagram Reels by beauty influencers to know that it takes about an hour’s worth of makeup application to look totally natural, and these ladies have absolutely nailed it. Is that your God-given youthful glow, or did you apply six layers of foundation, bronzer, setting powder, blush, highlighter and misting spray to achieve it? The BacheloretteS were planning a pool party in an effort to get better acquainted with the most important traits of the contestants — their abs — but Mother Nature, catty bitch that she is, sent a rainstorm instead. How are these girls expected to find true love if they can’t get these men in swim trunks? Life is so unfair.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, there aren’t enough beds for the remaining contestants so these guys are sleeping on the porch, patio, sofa and floor. Please consider donating to ABC’s GoFundMe campaign to give these men and their rock-hard abs a home and a warm bed. For just $17 per day, you can provide three protein shakes to bros in need.
Bachelor Pageant
The BacheloretteS show up to the mansion and announce that it’s time for a Bachelor Pageant. They tell the guys they have 30 minutes to get ready, and they leave a gift bag for them. Spoiler: It is a bag of Speedos. The men begin greasing up and doing sit-ups to get ready for the contest.
The men gather in the pageantry lounge and prepare for the festivities. JPalm tells them that the prize for the pageant is an invitation to Gabby and Rachel’s afterparty. He then tells the men to “disrobe and show us your look forward and backwards.” Thanks, I hate it.
Let the record show that I find this challenge degrading, and if the roles were reversed, I’d be livid at The Bachelor for making women parade in teeny-tiny bikinis. That being said, our nation’s highest court recently ruled that women with opinions will die by guillotine or something, so who am I to protest? The men start stripping down and posing for the ladies. All of the men have a black box over their junk, and we’re not sure if it’s because ABC doesn’t want us to know they have penises or because all of these men are smooth in front like a Ken doll.
Logan is up first, and for his “talent,” he does the worm because it’s required “before love can blossom into a butterfly.” I feel like someone should tell him that worms don’t turn into butterflies, caterpillars do, but the caterpillar is such a lame dance move by comparison. The rest of the talents range from a guy swinging nunchucks (I hope that black box is made of steel) to another guy giving a lesson on mortgages (stop eating avocado toast and you can buy a house in 50 years) to multiple guys juggling (they definitely didn't have sex in high school). The man who goes by the name Meatball pours marinara sauce all over himself. I would’ve been more into this if his nickname were Nacho and he covered himself with melted cheese. Aven, Logan, Brandon, Jason, Johnny and Colin — six men I’ve never seen before and can’t tell you a single distinguishing fact about — win the invite to the after-party.
As soon as the party starts that evening, Blond Rachel pulls Jason aside for a chat and he immediately tells her that he feels a better connection with Brunette Gabby. Wow. Give it at least two minutes, my dude. Meanwhile, Brunette Gabby is already getting some mouth-to-mouth action with a floppy-haired bro named Johnny on the patio. Blond Rachel is feeling disheartened as she struggles to make conversation with these guys. Really? These cultured scholars whose greatest talents include pouring Ragu on their naked bodies can’t make good conversation? I am shocked.
Blond Rachel finally strikes up a conversation with Worm Logan, who wiggles his way into her mouth. Five seconds later, he says some generic-ass thing to Brunette Gabby and she starts making out with him too. The worm’s got game, despite his embarrassing lack of knowledge on metamorphosis. At the end of the evening, Blond Rachel gives her rose to Worm Logan, and Brunette Rachel gives hers to floppy-haired Johnny.
Rachel’s One-on-One Date
Drag racer Jordan V. gets invited on the first one-on-one date with Rachel. Rachel picks him up in a vintage convertible Chevy Impala and takes him to an airport. Is she going to pilot a plane for him? No. She’s going to take him in a Zero G Plane so they can experience weightlessness. I’m here for it. Nothing is hotter on a first date than puking. Like the old saying goes, the couple who throws up together grows up together. They float around on a plane for awhile, and ladies and gentlemen, we have our first zero-gravity kiss. I guess the only one throwing up on this date is me.
That night, Rachel and Jordan have dinner in the lobby of a beautiful theater. It’s a shame how many people completely overlook the magic of a theater’s lobby in favor for the auditorium and the stage and the actual entertainment. Give me concession stands or give me death, that’s what I always say. Fortunately, these two understand that the real beauty of a theater is in the tiny bit of a space that was solely designed for foot traffic.
They talk about how dramatically different their careers are. Rachel flies planes, and Jordan drives cars. It’s a real Romeo and Juliet situation here. How will these two ever find common ground? They talk about Jordan’s tragic life story — divorced parents, can you even imagine? — and Rachel leaves in the middle of the date to tell a producer that she’s not feeling it. She returns to the table, holds the rose in her hand and sends him packing. Wait — I need a rule check. Is Rachel allowed to send a guy home without Gabby’s blessing? Did Gabby already cross him off a list? What if he was Gabby’s one true love? Did Rachel just ruin Gabby’s only chance at happiness? Explain it to me, ABC!!
Rachel is especially sad because she had planned a private concert with Ashley Cook and Brett Young. Are they famous, you ask? We asked the same question and the answer is no, they just have super generic names that sound similar to names of famous people. They sing a private concert of a song you’ve never heard and never will hear again, while Rachel paces the theater dramatically. She cries to the camera and says, “I don’t want to be Rachel the Bachelorette. I just want to be Rachel.” I feel like it’s bad if she’s having this revelation on the very first episode.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the men are already in a duel because Chris (?) says that if he made it to the Fantasy Suites, he would never want to date a girl who had sex with more than one man. The other men shut that down really quickly, and Nate tells him he does not get to manipulate his queen like that. We love Nate now. Nate is our king.
Gabby’s One-on-One Date
It’s time for Gabby’s first solo date of the season. A date card arrives for Nate that says “Meet me at my place.” Did the producers just show her a video of how much Nate was defending her honor? Don’t you send my precious baby home, Gabby.
Nate shows up at Gabby’s house, and they start with a Champagne toast that’s interrupted by her roommate … the other Bachelorette Rachel. They all drink Champagne together before Gabby and Nate exit to the terrace and immediately start kissing. Five seconds into the date! Get it, girl! A helicopter picks them up, while Rachel stands sadly on the terrace stabbing a Gabby-shaped Voodoo doll. HaVe FuN oN yOuR dAtE, gUyS! I’ll MiSs YoU!
Gabby and Nate kiss as they pass the Hollywood sign and then land at a hot tub on a runway. I love a runway hot tub. Why would you put a hot tub in a beautiful lush backyard or overlooking the ocean when you could set one up in a sea of hot concrete?
After their runway hot tub moment, they go out to dinner in a fancy bank or something, and Nate tells Gabby that he has a beautiful 6-year-old daughter. He talks about being a girl dad (which admittedly is normally a thing I hate to hear men talk about but it’s actually really precious), and Gabby gets emotional. They dance in the middle of the lobby of this bank/train station/mall (?) and kiss in the warm glow of the information booth.
Cocktail Party
The ladies arrive at the mansion in two of the worst pageant dresses I’ve ever seen. Seriously, who is the stylist for this show? Gabby and Rachel are both beautiful women with banging bodies — stop putting them in sequined gowns suited for the Mrs. Shady Acres Retirement Home Pageant. If your stylist résumé lists Dynasty and Golden Girls as past positions, you should not have this job.
Mario, who kissed Gabby last week, pulls Rachel for a one-on-one chat right away. He picks her up and starts doing squats, and I think we can all agree that the only thing we as women want is a man who can pick us up and carry us around. Life is too hard, the daily news is too debilitating — all we want is a man to carry us from room to room so we can drink wine and cry.
A guy who owns carnival games on the Jersey boardwalk starts playing basketball with Blond Rachel and kisses her. Then she plays putt-putt with another guy and makes out with him. Meanwhile, Gabby is snuggling with the mullet man E-Rich and kissing him. Ladies! Get it! I am proud of you both.
A few of the guys are scheming about whether or not they should tell the BacheloretteS what Chris said about the Fantasy Suites. The answer to this question is always no. Don’t get involved, my brother in Christ. These jokers never listen to me, so of course Quincey pulls Blond Rachel aside and he and two other guys tell her that Chris said he wouldn’t stay on the show if they slept with another guy in the Fantasy Suites. She immediately tells Gabby, and they confront Chris. He condescends a bit and they finally send him packing.
Chris leaves the mansion — and by extension, the show — for approximately 12 seconds before reentering the mansion and grabbing a few of the guys for a chat. Gabby and Rachel shut it down yet again and tell him to leave. Boy bye.
Rose Ceremony
Jesse Palmer finally gets six seconds of airtime to tell the guys, while dramatic music plays, that many of them will be going home. Thank you, JPalm. What would we do without your guidance? Hopefully all of the men will be sent home and we can call that a wrap on this season.
Nate, Johnny and Logan already have a rose. The remaining roses go to Jason (never seen him before in my life), Aven, Erich (mullet man), Zack (shrugging emoji), Jordan H. (the only remaining Jordan), Quincey (a shit-stirrer), Michael (couldn’t identify him in a lineup), Tino (Rachel’s first impression rose recipient), Jacob (Tarzan), Tyler (no clue), Jermaine (?), Hayden (Grocery Store Joe 2.0), Meatball, Kirk (who?), Spencer (the king who brought chairs for the ladies to sit in last week), Alec (nope), Ethan (nada) and Mario (Gabby’s first-impression rose recipient).
That means a bunch of dudes that you’ve never laid eyes on in your life are going home. I’m pretty sure that our one and only Nashville representative is leaving too, but fear not, at least eight of these bros will move here after the season ends. See ya at the angel wings mural, my brothers.
By the Numbers
Viewing Party Guests: 8 (5 women, 3 men)
Drinks Consumed: 20
Jordans Remaining on the Show: 1
Meatballs Remaining on the Show: Aren't they all kinda meatballs?
