Welcome back to a surprising overview of the panoply of entertainments available to the viewer. Everything is still on fire, and pollution from the East Palestine, Ohio, chemical chaos is something everyone should be very conscious of. Thankfully, there are options.
Below, find a roundup of titles currently available to stream or purchase via physical media.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 4k via Dark Sky UHD
What can be said about TCSM that hasn’t already been said? It’s an enduring classic in the field of horror cinema — a film whose raw edges, effective performances and perfection in the fields of title and tagline have ensured that even people who wouldn’t go anywhere near such a film know what a TCSM is and exactly what it means. As an acerbic and sometimes unpleasant fat guy, I must give respect to Paul Partain as Franklin Hardesty for lighting the way, and maximum respect to Teri McMinn as Pam, who gets the doomed-oracle role. It’s like in other films when there would be a two-minute scene in a classroom, and whatever the teacher was talking about would be the theme of the movie; only for Pam it’s astrology, and she rocks it.
It doesn’t matter how you watch Tobe Hooper’s 1974 magnum opus (beaten-up 16 mm print, multiple-generation VHS recording, DCP; I’ve seen them all). Such is the craft and sheer, visceral fear within it. But damn if this new 4K Ultra High Definition from Dark Sky Films/MPI Media isn’t something truly special. Because it uses HDR (a concept that I remain in awe of despite not completely understanding it — basically, there’s increased resolution to the color black that allows more visual precision or something to that effect, but if you’re reading this column, I can guarantee you know someone who will help you find the proper HDR settings for your system), we’ve got a surprising amount of shadow detail, making the darkness yield a bit more of its secrets. It’s got the lossless original mono sound mix. (Here’s a secret tip: Think of most horror movies from before 1985 the way you would the pre-stereo Beatles albums. Mono mixes don’t fuss around, and they deliver.) It has a good 2.0 mix and a Dolby Atmos mix as well, which is relentless and will doubtless shake up the strongest of constitutions.
Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities on Netflix
The best horror anthologies find a way to blindside you in a different way with each episode, and this handsome gathering of dark tales, all overseen by icon and all-around good dude Guillermo del Toro, delivers creative shocks at each step of the way. Personal favorite episodes of Cabinet of Curiosities include “The Viewing” (Mandy’s Panos Cosmatos introducing a face-melting preternatural presence at a druggy party for psychics and weirdos), “The Autopsy” (from the director of The Empty Man, a great small-scale alien invasion story that features the most breathtaking opening shot of anything I saw in 2022) and “The Outside” (Ana Lily Amirpour documenting a suburban breakdown amid the rise of a superlotion). But all eight episodes are creative and enjoyable in some capacity.
The Last of Us: “Long, Long Time”on HBO Max
I’ve never played the video game that spawned the HBO series The Last of Us. I haven’t even watched the first two episodes. (Truthfully, I was waiting to make sure it didn’t turn into The Walking Dead 2.0.) But when “Long, Long Time” dropped, it was made apparent to me that I needed to check it out. The central 45 minutes of the series’ third episode is a moving and affectionate portrait of queer resiliency that feels all the more resonant given how openly the Tennessee state legislature is crafting its discriminatory bills. It’s also fascinating that, between this and Knock at the Cabin, the new trend for mainstream representation of gay couples is aspirational entropy, where being a good example for the rest of folks makes up for the utter horrors faced just for existing, and death is ultimately the best one can hope for. But here’s the thing about “Long, Long Time”: Awful people may draw hatestrength from the fact that it ends with a low-key suicide pact, but the idea of 20 more years of relative peace and quiet during the utter collapse of society and then staying in control of one’s own decisions is better than the majority of people on the planet can hope for. We all die, despite what the worst people in the world may think. And Nick Offerman and Murray Bartlett do an incredible job of giving us a pointillist portrait of an evolving relationship. Much respect for giving Linda Ronstadt her Kate Bush moment as well.
Cheaters via Freevee/Pluto/VH1
Allow me a moment to praise Cheaters. It’s still the best reality television program out there, with more than two decades of discontinuous adventures in the dramatic lives of people who can’t bring themselves to talk honestly. Oh, there are plenty of cheaters, and those they cheat upon. But at every point what we get are portraits of delusion and or desperation, and it always — ALWAYS — comes back to not talking openly and honestly at the beginning of a relationship. New host Peter Pankey (fka Peter Gunz) has found his own hook with the material, often working through de-escalation and making personal connections with the involved parties, but it’s second host Joey Greco who defines the series, walking perfectly the tightrope between sincere and smug (and the best off-the-cuff responses to the material). And it’s the late Clark Gable III whose episodes best get at the sad emotional impasse that so many of these couples find themselves in; it is Gable who dwells behind a perfectly narcotized poker face, and it is also he who breaks past that buffer with an overwhelming emotional response. Personal favorites include the Renée Lewis wrap-up segment, Jill the LARPer and that one segment of Cheaters: Too Hot for TV in which the woman whose kink is municipal road repair and her boyfriend decide that their relationship can encompass that kink, embrace it and grow even stronger. It’s absolutely the most inspiring bit of reality television I’ve ever seen, even with all the dildos and the roadside-chartreuse color scheme. Also, some places streaming Cheaters use uncensored video masters.
For the Love of DILFs on Out TV
This one is an interesting endeavor. For the Love of DILFs is the perfect companion piece to MILF Manor over on TLC. It’s honestly fascinating in the fact that it unfolds in a manufactured world where the closest thing to a straight person is bisexual hostess Stormy Daniels — and nobody gives her any foolishness, because if you gather a group of gay and bisexual men together, nobody is going to give anyone grief about that one person they had sex with and have been trying to live down ever since. On one side are the Himbos, an assortment of five twinks and twunks. On the other side are five Daddies. And there’s a series of dates and activities in hopes of helping a duo find true love (and a $10,000 prize). Sounds pretty much like any other dating reality show, but there’s something intriguing about how things unfold, with the way that expectations aren’t universal, and how sometimes being boring is worse than being evil. It’s still very early in its run, but it has the kind of energy that’s exactly right for anyone who watches The Bachelor or The Bachelorette and thinks, “These people are dawdling a lot for people who very obviously want to be doing it.”
Too Beautiful to Die via Tubi/Shudder/Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray
The one universal constant in the Italian genre of suspense thriller known as giallo is that being a model or dancer pretty much carries a death sentence. And after the tragic death of dancer Sylvia following a harrowing encounter at a decadent party, who’s going to star in the Frankie Goes to Hollywood video (for “Warriors of the Wasteland”) that this crew of tech people, models, dancers, pimps, drug dealers, diamond mules and sexhavers are trying to get made? Too Beautiful to Die is a 1988 film (and know that there’s only one film more 1988 than this, and it’s unavailable currently) and a mystery steeped in impeccable production design and outfits, perky nudities, and a taste for elaborate set pieces. Director Dario Piana wears his affection for Flashdance on one sleeve and the films of Brian De Palma on the other. It’s trashy and awesome and worth a watch for anyone who misses the weird multiquadrant efforts at sexy suspense that the ’80s excelled at. Also, any film that uses Kissing the Pink’s “Certain Things Are Likely” gets major eurodisco points from me, even though it ends with a Huey Lewis and the News song you haven’t thought about in decades.
