Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
Should I get the COVID vaccine? It’s not [fully] FDA approved, which worries me. Also, I don’t like the government telling me what to do. And I have heard that there’s a microchip in it. Do you have any thoughts on the microchip thing?
—Ryan in St. Petersburg
Of course you should get vaccinated, you dope! The FDA?! First of all, both the Pfizer and the Moderna vaccines have been given emergency use authorization.
Also, if you want to talk about about FDA-approved drugs, here are some of the possible side effects of an FDA-approved antidepressant called Abilify:
ABILIFY may cause serious side effects including:
- Increased risk of stroke and ministroke has been reported in clinical studies with oral aripiprazole of elderly people with dementia-related psychosis and can lead to death.
- Neuroleptic malignant syndrome (NMS), a serious condition that can lead to death. Call your healthcare provider or go to the nearest emergency room right away if you have some or all of the following symptoms of NMS: high fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, or changes in pulse, heart rate, and blood pressure.
- Uncontrolled body movements (tardive dyskinesia). ABILIFY may cause movements that you cannot control in your face, tongue, or other body parts. Tardive dyskinesia may not go away, even if you stop receiving ABILIFY. Tardive dyskinesia may also start after you stop receiving ABILIFY.
- Problems with your metabolism such as: High blood sugar (hyperglycemia): Increases in blood sugar can happen in some people who receive ABILIFY. Extremely high blood sugar can lead to coma or death. If you have diabetes or risk factors for diabetes (such as being overweight or a family history of diabetes), your healthcare provider should check your blood sugar before you start receiving ABILIFY and during your treatment.
Death and uncontrolled body movements! Thanks FDA! (In the FDA’s defense, once you are dead, you are no longer bipolar.)
What made me think of Abilify, you ask? After taking it, my father developed tardive dyskinesia.* He got the COVID vaccine though, and he’s fine. Well, fine except for the tardive dyskinesia he got after taking Abilify — that’s permanent.**
Soooo ... even if and when the FDA fully approves the vaccine, that does NOT mean that it wouldn’t kill you, Ryan. And the FDA has approved it “for emergency use.” It’s not as if your Libertarian neighbor Cody made it out of egg whites and hydroxychloroquine. By the way, I think Libertarians should have to manufacture their own vaccine. They hate taxes, ergo they hate public health. United States taxpayer money helped develop and distribute these vaccines. If there’s anything a Libertarian hates more than taxes, though, it’s being consistent — they’ll be the first ones in line to get the goddamn shot.
As far as “not liking the government telling you what to do,” are you aware that the FDA is the government? Also, what is your position on drivers' licenses? If you are against them, I admire your commitment to “not liking the government telling you what to do.” Have fun catching polio from the unvaccinated 8-year-old who just ran you over with his Porsche.
Now, for the fun one: Microchips. Are you out of your fucking mind, Ryan?! MICROCHIPS?! Do you have any idea how many ways you are already being tracked?! Do you use credit cards? Do you send emails? Do you have a cellphone? Do you text? Do you use social media? DO YOU HAVE A FITBIT? DO YOU USE “ALEXA”?!
The government doesn’t need to waste its time putting chips in our goddamn vaccines, THEY KNOW WHERE WE ARE. Jesus. FACEbook. FACIAL recognition. Notice how they both have "face" in them?
Here’s the truth, Ryan: The vaccines are good. The vaccines help. You wanna know why I am so certain? Because the government doesn’t want you dead. You are worth more to the government alive. The government wants you to WORK, and the government wants you to CONSUME. Dead people can’t staff Amazon warehouses, and dead people don’t order from Amazon. And as I have already established, dead people don’t buy antidepressants.
You know that economy politicians want to open so badly? It’s built on the backs of people. Live, depressed people.
Take the vaccine first, then question your beliefs, Ryan.
*100 percent true
**100 percent true