Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
When I work on creative projects, I spend most of my time procrastinating. I used to rationalize that it was part of my "process," but it just adds more stress. How do I become more focused and efficient?
—Jennifer in Van Nuys, Calif.
I like that! “Part of the process.” Hahaha. I’m gonna use that next time I’m watching a 1983 high-dive competition on YouTube instead of writing this column — “it’s part of the process.”
“It’s part of the process,” he said to himself, as he dragged a lint roller across his bald spot and googled “Dyan Cannon topless.”
Lord, Jennifer, if I knew the answer to this, I wouldn’t be answering this question at midnight the day before my deadline. If I knew the answer to this, I’d be an award-winning gymnast. If I knew the answer to this I’d be ... Elon Musk? God forbid.
I believe that we all should be very afraid of people who do not procrastinate.
Famous People Who Did Not Procrastinate:
- The motherfuckers who tore down New York City’s Penn Station.
- The motherfuckers who launched the Iraq War.
- The band Styx before they made the album Kilroy Was Here.
Procrastination is a nasty word for something very human and worthwhile: deliberation. “Procrastination” means, by definition, that you intend to do something — otherwise it wouldn’t be procrastination, it would be loafing. Not that there’s anything wrong with loafing. I’d take a loafer over one of these
Randian“Ideal Man”-type sociopaths who this shitty global money culture has elevated ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. But since procrastination is the lead-up to an action and is a result of the healthy anxiety that should accompany the taking of an action — especially a significant one — we need more of it, not less. It is a sign of sensitivity.
Lack of “procrastination” (consideration, deliberation, YouTube, gummy worms) is what leads to terrible decisions. And WHAT’S THE RUSH?! Is the planet about to fall off its axis without another boutique hotel? Do we really need more high-end restaurants? Now? When people are living in cars and tents and crowdfunding medical care? Maybe we should stop and think.
Is Elon Musk a hero for making luxury cars and rockets? Or is he a moron for making luxury cars and rockets? Maybe if he’d procrastinated a little he would have decided to direct his obviously prodigious energy toward goals more human — and humane. He’s the richest man in the world because of making gadgets. WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE GADGETS. Gadgets, diamonds, ballers, billionaires, influencers, boutique hotels, high-end this, high-end that, rockets, luxury cars and the title “the richest man in the world" are the fucking problem, not the solution.
“The second-richest man in the world,” Jeff Bezos, is another celebrated non-procrastinator who is — not coincidentally — involved with gadgets. He is a “GEEEEENIUS” who figured out that an army of low-wage, micromanaged workers can get stuff delivered fast. Gadgets, mostly. Gadgets made in China by an army of low-wage, micromanaged workers. WHAT A GEEEEENIUS. The Pharaohs who “built” the pyramids and the Manifest Destiny dickheads who “built” the railroads were also geniuses, by that standard. Labor exploitation = genius? Fuck that.
What was the question? Ah yes, procrastination. Did you know that Elon Musk wanted to bore giant tunnels under Los Angeles so he could get to the airport faster? We need MORE procrastination, not less.
Take your time, Jennifer — do it right.
