In 2014, comedian, musician, podcaster and Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton shares his hard-won wisdom with whoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Twitter and Instagram (@thecroftonshow), and check out his The Advice King Anthology and Cold Brew Got Me Like podcast. To submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread@gmail.com.
Dear Advice King,
There’s nothing good on TV. What should I do with all my free time since I don’t watch it anymore?
Thanks!
—Lynette in Las Vegas
Nothing Good on TV?!? What about the CBS drama Where’s My Tape Measure? starring Hollywood’s new “it boy” Reef Bozeman as a crime-solving handyman? Or that Howie Mandel game show with all the suitcases — Suitcase Sunrise. One of the 10,0000 suitcases has a Groupon for a massage in it. All the others contain rubber chickens. Don’t forget The Noise, where those famous musicians sit in big red chairs and pretend to like horrible music that they are personally invested in.
My favorite show is Shark Tank. This is actually a real, very sad show. Regular people, trying to do capitalism the normal way — inventing some new kind of soap, opening a bowling alley — can’t get a loan from a bank, because these days banks will only fund crazy, bloated, vulture-capital-type stuff. So they have to go on TV and beg the criminal, tax-avoiding vulture capitalists who have successfully gamed the system (usually using money from their great-grandparents, who invented a new kind of soap, or opened a bowling alley) for a loan instead. What a hoot!
I’m kidding around, Lynette. I don’t watch TV either. But I do watch YouTube. I watch abandoned mine exploring videos. That’s about it. That and the Majority Report With Sam Seder.
I know all the mining terms: adits, stopes, drifts, raises, incline shafts, decline shafts, gobbing, lagging, winzes, et cetera. Imagine how much fun I’d be on a first date! After we were done with mining, we could talk about the history of The Allman Brothers.
Also, you’re in mine exploring territory! There are 200,000 abandoned mines in Nevada. You read it right: 200,000. You could explore them. You have to be very careful, though. They’re dangerous as hell. And it’s mostly illegal, but so are monopolies and they currently control the world, sooo ...
Many of those mines are like time capsules. Like shipwrecks, but underground. Tobacco tins, pickaxes, sardine cans, candles — lying where the miners left them, 100 years ago, when workers in America were just beginning to unionize. Before trickle-down economics. Before Citizens United. Before TV.
Lynette, I am thrilled that you have stopped watching TV. We all should do the same. Watching TV is not helpful. Especially cable news. That isn’t news — that’s the 1 percent endlessly misdirecting us.
THE NEWS IS: Income inequality, stagnant wages, money in politics, illegal monopolies.
THE NEWS ISN’T: Blaming your neighbor.
Enforcing antitrust laws is the news. Supporting independent journalism is the news. Voting is the news. Running for office is the news. The news you need is outside your window, and down at the state Capitol.
And in, ahem, certain advice columns in certain discriminating alt-weeklies.
