Comedian, musician, host of Chris Crofton's Advice King Podcast and former Nashvillian Chris Crofton asked the Scene for an advice column, so we gave him one. Crowning himself the “Advice King,” Crofton will share his hard-won wisdom with whosoever seeks it. Follow Crofton on Facebook and Twitter, and to submit a question for the Advice King, email bestofbread[at]gmail[dot]com or editor[at]nashvillescene[dot]com.
Dear Advice King,
How do you write a movie script? I want to write and sell a movie script. I’ve noticed that you sometimes write short plays in your advice columns. Is it the same process? I want to write and sell a movie script. Also, do you have any story ideas that you’d be willing to give me?
Thank you!
—Barbara in Brooklyn
Oh boy! I just took a sip of coffee and pressed play on the Survivor album Vital Signs. It’s 1:43 a.m.. I love this question.* “There’s a story in my eyes. Turn the pages of desire” That’s what the singer of Survivor is saying. SPOILER ALERT: The story in the singer of Survivor’s eyes is that he’s horny.
Sexy movies used to be popular. Now it’s all Iron Man VIII and The Green Lantern Goes Crazy. Write a sexy script:
Interior, butcher shop
A man named Harold chops meat behind a counter. Harold is played by Benedict Cumberbatch. A woman named Fiona walks through the front door. Fiona is played by Queen Latifah.
Harold: May I help you?
Fiona: I doubt it.
Harold: Huh?
Fiona: You look like a weasel.
Harold: I love sex.
Fiona: Let’s go to Germany. On my boat.
That’s a good start. They have sex on the boat and talk about global warming in between sessions. Then they have sex in Germany a bunch.
You can have that. It’s called SEX BOAT TO GERMANY. The boat captain is Dua Lipa, playing herself. She’s a global warming denier (in the movie). I have to admit that that script is a money grab. It’s a pander to people who like sex. The global warming thing was tacked on to generate Oscar interest.
Speaking of the Oscars ... just kidding. I’m not gonna do it. OK, OK — just one paragraph:
Will Smith is crazy. Every celebrity is crazy. Everybody is crazy. Social media has scrambled everyone’s brain. Will Smith probably thought he was slapping an emoji he didn’t like.
Plays are different than movies, Barbara. Plays are supposed to be boring, and all the best plays end with the world exploding. The stage is usually bare except for two pieces of beat-up furniture, and people are always singing about lost dreams.
Here’s an example of a good play:
THE ORPHANAGE by The Advice King
The stage is bare except for a beat-up couch and an end table. The lamp on the end table is flickering. Five orphans are scrubbing the floor in front of the couch.
Orphan 1: I’m tired of scrubbing!
Orphan 2: We have to! Captain Vickers returns today!
Orphans 3, 4 and 5: WE DON’T CAAAAAARE! *orchestra starts*
Before I finish this horrible play, I must mention that the Survivor record ended. Now Lou Gramm is singing “I knew this girl would get me right here, where happiness and heartbreak meet.” Back to the orphans:
Orphans 3, 4, and 5 throw their scrub brushes at the flickering lamp, smashing it, and begin to sing, to the tune of “God Bless America”:
“IIIIIII doooon’t like scru-uh-bbing, I want aaaaaa dog! I’m a-leaving, in the moooorning, to get my dreams, and a dog, and a mommmmmm”
Orphans 1 and 2 call the police.
*world explodes*
That play is too commercial. It’s a pander to people who like dogs.
By the way, Barbara, you can have any of these for free. Last one: This is another movie idea — the kind of movie they would show at The Museum of Modern Art. It’s called BUS, STOP:
-BUS, STOP-
Two men are at a bus stop. One has a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. The other is very angry for reasons which are never revealed.
Angry Man Without Briefcase: Whaddya got in the briefcase, hot shot?
Man With Briefcase: Pictures of your ass.
The two men scuffle, and the briefcase falls open. Hundreds of Sweet’n Low packets spill out. The men begin weeping, and a piano that says “CAPITALISM” on it falls from the sky, crushing them.
-FIN-
*I answered one just like it, years ago.
